compulsive fidgeting

My husband began as a rocking child in front of the television at three years of age. By the time I met him at 18, he just fidgeted by swinging a foot when crossed and occasional nail biting. It stayed this way for years, but I have noticed in the last decade that he seems to be adding to the list:  throat clearing for months after a cold which I feared continued to irrate his throat perpetuating the cycle; constantly pulling up his socks to the breaking point (twice in a short car ride car ride the other day while he was driving!); as well as many self-soothing behaviors such as eyebrow smoothing, mustache brushing, hair smoothing, eye wiping, and cuticle picking and gnawing which proceeds to bloody fingers. In a meeting or watching TV, these behaviors rotate in a random fashion that often picks up urgency and repetition until it is destracting and embarassing to be seated with him. Is this the usual way -- that folks continue to pick up compulsive fidgets as they age or does something set this off, creating new opportunities for these habits? And is there some other way to self-soothe -- if this is the reason behind the tics -- that offers appropriate stimulation or calming as the need presents itself?

[Ted A Grossbart, Ph.D.]

Some people stay with the same behavior, others rotate, and the picture can get better or worse over time.  Any idea on the obvious question of whether he is feeling more pressure of any sort lately?  What has he tried so far to treat the problems?

tg

[Gail928]

My husband is under more pressure at work these days, and it has been so to varying degrees over the last fifteen years. On the plus side, he is being recognized for his contributions and validated through promotions and raises and job preferences.

A little history...We spent ten years overseas and returned to the US nearly four years ago. At the time we moved to Europe, we struggled with marital issues as well as stumbling into a nightmare work project. From there on out, there have been good jobs and frustrations, including four years in Nigeria living in a compound -- a little like living in a bad resort amongst poverty. I could see these things as reasons for me to become an alcoholic as well, but we emerged unscathed. Perhaps though, faced with uncertainty, lack of familial support and living in cultures that are not one's own could lead to increased self-soothing techniques. However, please don't discount we also had wonderful family times, expat community support and built a stronger marriage along the way.  

All that being said, the compulsive behaviors have increased in variety. And to be honest, it doesn't bother my husband at all as he is not aware of them. He only tries to stop grawing on his hands if he notices I'm looking at him. The funny thing is, some of these littles tics lead to his discomfort, but it doesn't seem to encourage him to stop. The constant wiping at his eyes will go on until they are -- as you'd imagine from sticking his finger in them repeatedly -- irritated and runny. He seems to feel the irritation begins the behaviors, but I honestly think it is the other way around. I suffer with allergies, and I know that rubbing my eyes makes them worse.

I don't mind the gentler things like smoothing his hair twenty times in an hour or tugging at his lip or pulling at his socks. Those things that are socially exceptable and more widely accepted, but he is a professional and bloodying his fingers while we listen to information on college night is awkward.

[Ted A Grossbart, Ph.D.]

That gives me a fuller picture.  I think we need to divide the problem into two parts, the things that bother him (which may be next to none of it) and the things that bother you.  What should or shouldn't bother either of you is subjective and irrelevant.  It sounds like time for a frank discussion.  Will he seek treatment for things that bother you, that he seems to have no trouble with?  If not,  that is really more a couples negotiation issue.  Perhaps there are some things you do that bother him and you could horse trade.

If he is willing to work on the behaviors, either for you or himself, I think there is a good shot that trying to reduce his tension, and develop some new,  better self-soothing techniques could work. (Medication is more of a long shot if we look at the data from skin picking and hair pulling.)

tg
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