obsession/ anxiety

Were to begin....18 months ago my ex-wife started divorce proceedings. 12 months ago I met one particular girl that I'm obsessed with.  I think about her from the moment I awake until the moment I go to sleep.  I have even told her "I don't even like you yet I can't stop thinking about you".  I made a list of pros and cons, only came up with one pro and 25 cons.  I thought for sure it was just ego, because all my friends think she is pretty, but don't understand why it would be ego now that all of my friends know that I've been with her.

She is a very bad person, in addition to all the bad things she does she is completely self-centered and does not care about anyone.

In the past year I have many opportunities with nice pretty girls but I let them all slip by because I can't stop thinking about this one girl.

In a business meeting I can't focus and lose count of how many times I will think about this girl.  I can not hold a normal conversation because she is all I can think about.

I stay away from her for weeks and everytime just about the time I think I am getting over it she'll either call me or I'll call her.

She even told me she doesn't want a relationship with a man (I really think she is gay).

How do I stop?

[Ted A Grossbart, Ph.D.]

I'm glad to hear you are being honest with yourself about who she is and who she isn't.

First a few questions:  

Do you think your ex having recently dumped you leaves you unready to engage with any of the women with whom you might really have a future?

Have you done the practical level safeguards like delete and block her phone number and e-mail?  If not why not?

Have you been or are you now in therapy?

Is your herpes hyperconcern mentioned in other Forums part of the problem?

What would you be thinking about or feeling if you were not using this woman as a 'mind filler?'

tg

[fc_hat]

1)I don't think my ex has a lot to do with it,  I think after being with my ex for 34 years I want to play the field a little bit.

2)Did this for a couple months but then I called her.  Why?  

3)No, I have never been in therapy, recently thought about it but for last three months I am shopping for rather substatial life insurance policy and they keep asking me if I have started any new treatment(s), so I want to wait until the policy is in place.

4)Yes, definitly think this is part of the problem.  This one girl has accepted it so the fear of talking to other women about it certainly may have something to do with it. Do you really think I have shown hyperconcern?  I am not worried about herpes itself but the reaction of people when I tell them.  People don't seem to understand that they probably are already infected.  (if you think I've shown hyperconcern you should see the herpes support forum. people talk about suicide and say they would rather have cancer.  I'm asymptomatic so it's not a big deal to me)

5)work, kids, hobbies, other women.

[fc_hat]

Wish I could edit these posts.  I see now that my answer to number 1 agrees with you.

[Ted A Grossbart, Ph.D.]

Yes I think you are right on #1.  I wonder if the role of the obsession is to keep you from getting involved with any of the 'real' women and getting hurt again.

On the herpes front, I've been working with people with all kinds for 30+ years, so both pre and post anti-virals. It has a unique ability to stir up feelings, but that does not mean that the feelings a necessarily what they appear to be.  Glad to hear it is not a big deal.

I think the plan to get some therapy after the insurance is set is a very good one.

There are a lot of anti-obsessional and anti-addiction 'handy hints' you can find on the web, but I think the direction we have been going is more to the point.

Hope this has all been helpful.