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husband's blues after wife's breast reduction
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husband's blues after wife's breast reduction

I'm trying to be as supportive as I can with this, she's had the surgery, I told her before that she's doing this only for herself, not because I had any complaints about her breasts.  I like the new ones ok, but liked the old ones better.  I was suprised at the feelings I have of betrayal, neglect, almost grieving the loss of my favorite part of her body, feelings of depression.  The comments I read from women completely discount the feelings of the men.  I'm now having problems "finishing" the act of sex.  After she is satisfied I just loose interest, I want to finish in my mind but the feeling just isn't there.  I look over at her in normal situations and the fact that she is so much smaller bothers me.  It's been 5 weeks now, we'll keep trying, hoping these feelings go away.  When I ask if there is a support group for husbands of wives with breast reduction, I get told oh it's all about you then? No It's not all about me, but I do have feelings, and they are hurt, and there isn't anybody willing to talk to about them.
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Avatar_f_tn
Many women get breast reduction surgery, not just for cosmetic reasons, but for medical ones. Can you imagine having very large breasts and how much weight that is to carry around? The bra straps on your shoulders are digging in and are painful and red. You begin to have back problems because the weight of the breasts pull you forward. You are lugging around pounds that put extra pressure on your whole body. Think of it this way, try imagining walking around with two large bags of sugar attached to your chest. How do you think that feels? That's not an easy thing to deal with and you should be happy for your wife now that she has a better life, free of the pain and discomfort. Don't you want your wife to feel good physically? This is just something to really think about. Your wife did not lose her breasts(many women do from breast cancer or other medical problems), they are still there, so that is something to think of as well.

This is a change for you and your wife, so try to give it all some time. She has to get used to her new body and so do you. Though why not focus on who your wife is and how much better off she is now, than focusing on an old feeling of pleasure for you that in the past caused your wife pain.
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Avatar_m_tn
I completely understand where you're coming from.  I'm still having difficulty looking at what she so proudly shows off. Irrespective of the medical benefits of reduced weight, I think a lot of it for my wife was "fixing" her aestetic and while she's happy with the results its still very difficult for me to process and look at. I liked the large breast when we first met and thought she looked great even after 3 kids and 14 yrs of marriage. I think sweetpea can talk a lot of platitudes and while its true that one needs to get used to it I'm concerned how long that will take. The hard part is trying to be supportive, while hiding how disturbing the the look and feel are.
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168348_tn?1379360675
I happened upon this thread and was wondering how both husbands are doing now that a few months have gone by?
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Avatar_m_tn
Wow, I can't believe no body talks about this. There is no way a husband or wife can alter their body and then say it is only their business. Imagine a wife who is only attracted to tall men. One day her husband comes home and say,"Being 6'5" makes me feel socially awkward and people always stare at me. Clothes never fit right and they are hard to find. I'm reducing my height to 5'6" so I can live a better life." Post-op the wife would not feel as attracted to the husband and many "height fixated" women would file for a divorce. Somehow, men who are attracted to large breasts are villianize, but it is a common and natural thing among men. Unless a wife is in pain and everything else has been attempted to help, I think wives are wrong to get reductions. Why would a wife want to make herself less atrractive to her husband? Totally selfish.
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Avatar_f_tn
What is selfish, is to compare height with breasts... Compleatly obsurd! Breasts cause PAIN! I carry around pounds and pounds and pounds on my petite little shoulders... My husband is very supportive of my reduction though he loves my size H extremely saggy blobs of postpardum disgustingness. i dont get it, but he does... I happened upon this site because i was looking for ways for us BOTH to heal post reduction... How naive to assume reductions are a selfish thing to do. I am 5'5" 138lbs. 15+ lbs of that boob. I am a 32 H and any woman would understand 32 means i am tiny... TINY. With these big things i lug around causing me to not be able to run, excersize, be modest and I have to hand alter all my shirts with carpultunnel... buy my bras overseas because American chains do not make my size and if they do they are uglier than a hairless dog in a sweater... I have nerve damage due to the weight and am developing a hump back and my posture is causing not just upper back pain but pain that shoots down both legs... i can not wear a wireless ra and cant sleep without having my breath cut off. i have broken blood vessels where the wire is in constant contact with my chest and underarms... I am getting this paid for by my insurence because it is medically necessary! I am appauled that men can be so simple minded to think that its okay to even post this... jeez, your wife is no longer suffering and rather than be happy for her your being a whiney baby all about the past... get over it! -Rose
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Avatar_m_tn
I realize that many women get reductions for medical reasons and that is understandable. Just saying that having empathy for husbands and boyfriends who find large breasts aestheticly pleasing should not be seen as completely unimportant. You mentioned that you don't understand finding large breasts attractive so I assume you have not empathy at all. But it is hard to experience the women love become suddenly different and less attractive even if you know it is to relieve her pain. I still believe breast reduction and height reduction are close aesthetic equivalents in a gender sense.
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Avatar_m_tn
What is selfish is the way this surgery screws up more relationships than lives it betters. When a man is attracted to a woman that is a good thing. How can you possibly fault an individual for being attracted to you. If he likes your breasts that is a great thing. The doctors tell you how out of proportion you are and they can reduce the size back to a more normal size. Let's step back a second and think about what is actually going on here. A strange individual takes a small sharp knife and cuts large pieces of breast tissue from those very glands that define you as a woman. He then pulls what is left back together staples it and stitches what he can back together to form some resemblance of a breast. In my wines case the nipples look like they were cut with a small cookie cutter, she is scarred from armpit to armpit, half of each breast has ended up as bags under each armpit and the doctor took well over two thirds of each breast. Now she looks normal I guess. Sure they are smaller but very ugly.  I can only speak for myself but this surgery was a complete disaster for our marriage.
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Avatar_m_tn
What is selfish is the way this surgery screws up more relationships than lives it betters. When a man is attracted to a woman that is a good thing. How can you possibly fault an individual for being attracted to you. If he likes your breasts that is a great thing. The doctors tell you how out of proportion you are and they can reduce the size back to a more normal size. Let's step back a second and think about what is actually going on here. A strange individual takes a small sharp knife and cuts large pieces of breast tissue from those very glands that define you as a woman. He then pulls what is left back together staples it and stitches what he can back together to form some resemblance of a breast. In my wines case the nipples look like they were cut with a small cookie cutter, she is scarred from armpit to armpit, half of each breast has ended up as bags under each armpit and the doctor took well over two thirds of each breast. Now she looks normal I guess. Sure they are smaller but very ugly.  I can only speak for myself but this surgery was a complete disaster for our marriage.
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Avatar_n_tn
My wife of 26 years, had very large breast in her mind in mine her body was perfect.. After about 16 years of marriage my wife told me she had discussed it with her sister and after they were done discussing it.. She
thought she was going to have a reduction done. After I let her know there was no way on God green earth this was not going to happen. Not because I rule the home with a iron fist, but this was the same woman who had told me we would grow old gracefully and not under the knife. My wife is 4 years older than me and 99% of people believe I'm 5+ years older than her. Now we know who's aging gracefully. My biggest problem at that time was it was discussed with her sister, not me. Move forward 10 years. My wife,  our daughter 22,  our son 19, and myself are sitting at a restaurant and I'm told along with our kids. She has good news, "she has decide she is going to get a breast reduction" I just froze . I 've been in therapy for over 10 + years. When my therapist asked if after 30 years of being together, I've told my wife how much I was against it and it bothered me, I could not believe how quick the word "NO" came out without even thinking about it. I replied "it wont matter" after hearing myself, I decide to bring it up. In her loudest voice she let me know "I knew you would make this all about you". I said no but can we talk about it, maybe come to a middle. "NO" she replied. I then said something that was not a threat but just a very sad feeling. "if we don't talk about this ,it could destroy our family & marriage". After healing time.  We tried to be intimate twice, the first time I couldn't even look, nor receive pleasure, the second time wasn't much different. After 10 weeks of her recovery, it just didn't feel right any longer it was just quite. I told my wife I was going to move out. Almost 7-8 months later we just keep growing apart. I have dreams of my family and want to go home.  She is the only woman I ever wanted to spend my life with. Know I just want to love again and be loved in the way I feel loved. So ladies(wives) we know its your body and its your breast, but try to remember your our wife's(LIFE'S) and who knows why but we go through something very painful also our hearts breaking. Last thing enough with the red mark from the underwire or straps. My belt leaves the worst red mark that hurts and itches and my shoelaces when there too tight, but I've never considered cutting off my feet or waist down. You put the bra on, wear a looser one or none. The men are looking if you wear one or don't and 99% of the time we're always saying looking good....Last and most important God forbid should any of you ever get breast cancer the husband who loves you, will be dragging you to the hospital to have them removed. We know how much we need you. We just want to feel needed and have our feelings count also.  
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Avatar_n_tn
Rose if there is pain or any other medical condition and a husband doesn't understand the reason for getting it done when it is to take away pain or give you a healthier life. Is a man who fell in love with your boobs and not you. I realize this is not your story. My wife did speak of discomfort or pain every once in awhile, but I rarely ever seen or new that she would take a over the counter pain med and never anything stronger. So how bad was the pain??  I'm guessing and in no way standing in judgment, if anything I
hope when you were in pain there was something you had that would help you. There are no awards for living in pain. My wife about 6 years ago had a skin cancer not diagnosed  correctly on her chin for 3 years until she changed doctors. By the grace of God it did not go into her bone. They only had to remove her chin under her bottom lip from right to left, but the chin bone stayed. I walked into the room where she was sitting up and ask me how she looked as there are no mirrors in the room. With my eyes filled with tears that were now rolling down my face, she asked "how do I look"? My mouth open and the words BEAUTIFUL came out he did such a great job. My brain was in high crazy gear crying harder than it ever has asking God "WHERE IS MY WIFES CHIN" AS THERE WAS NOTHING BUT A GAPPING HOLE WHERE HERE CHIN ONCE WAS. My wife had a large scar that was in a football shape. When she asked this time  " How do I look during this time " I replied the truth "AS BEAUTIFUL AS EVER" So when its about health there is doubt thing need to be done. But when its really not(not that the marks aren't there and the straps are leaving marks) but GEEZ THESE HUSBANDS(REAL MEN) MARRY, TRY TO RAISE A FAMILY CORRECT, AND IN SOME CASES (MINE FOR SURE) I THE HUSBAND WORK SO HARD TO EARN ENOUGH SO MY WIFE CAN LIVE THE LIFE SHE CHOOSES. I DIDN"T ASK FOR THIS PAIN (HEART BREAK) or want it. BUT IT IS REAL AND THE FEELING FOR MY BEST FRIEND SINCE I"M 20 YEARS OLD NOW 49 ARE GONE, and I want them back. I will never not love her she is the mother of my children. I want to love her again as the only love in my life.
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Avatar_f_tn
I know this pain your are experiencing. My husband of 28 yrs has been messed up for the past 12 yrs since I had my breast reduction... It has ruined my marriage. I had neck and shoulder pain and my husband WAS supportive about the surgery. We discussed it, watched a video of the surgery together etc. what came after was so unexpected . My husband cried for months, tried antidepressant mess and we did grow apart. I  acknowledged his feeling,tried to reassure that surgery takes time to heal and settle down. My husband started having erectile problems and things continued to get  worse. I do understand he may be grieving and it is a body image change. I guess after dealing with such strong emotions for months I just wanted to move on with my life, but he couldn't. He was stuck in this rut"your not the same person".  Difficult to deal with these emotions for past 12 yrs and yes it has ruined us.. It took a few years after surgery for things to sexually be better but we're not the same couple anymore. My breasts are back to the same size when I meet my husband now(grew larger after each child).he can't get passed it!
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Avatar_m_tn
Thank you for posting this. I have had the similar experience. 7 years later I am still so sad. She had the operation despite my expressed wishes, and after I could feel nothing but disgust.
I tried and I tried, but I could not get the feeling back. She broke up because my lack of interest.

I am so sad still. I am so f'n sad. I feel you man.

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Avatar_m_tn
It's not like we can completely control sexual attraction. If w could, then we would decide to be excited about any kind of body whatsoever. Would make life easy. But as it is, if we are disgusted by, or stressed by the reduced breasts, then, in my experience, it is almost impossible to "wish it away and be happy".
Loving someone and feeling sexual attraction is not for men perfectly aligned. And its not because they don't wish it were.
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