Aa
A
A
Close
Avatar universal
husband's blues after wife's breast reduction
I'm trying to be as supportive as I can with this, she's had the surgery, I told her before that she's doing this only for herself, not because I had any complaints about her breasts.  I like the new ones ok, but liked the old ones better.  I was suprised at the feelings I have of betrayal, neglect, almost grieving the loss of my favorite part of her body, feelings of depression.  The comments I read from women completely discount the feelings of the men.  I'm now having problems "finishing" the act of sex.  After she is satisfied I just loose interest, I want to finish in my mind but the feeling just isn't there.  I look over at her in normal situations and the fact that she is so much smaller bothers me.  It's been 5 weeks now, we'll keep trying, hoping these feelings go away.  When I ask if there is a support group for husbands of wives with breast reduction, I get told oh it's all about you then? No It's not all about me, but I do have feelings, and they are hurt, and there isn't anybody willing to talk to about them.
Cancel
34 Answers
Page 1 of 1
Avatar universal
Many women get breast reduction surgery, not just for cosmetic reasons, but for medical ones. Can you imagine having very large breasts and how much weight that is to carry around? The bra straps on your shoulders are digging in and are painful and red. You begin to have back problems because the weight of the breasts pull you forward. You are lugging around pounds that put extra pressure on your whole body. Think of it this way, try imagining walking around with two large bags of sugar attached to your chest. How do you think that feels? That's not an easy thing to deal with and you should be happy for your wife now that she has a better life, free of the pain and discomfort. Don't you want your wife to feel good physically? This is just something to really think about. Your wife did not lose her breasts(many women do from breast cancer or other medical problems), they are still there, so that is something to think of as well.

This is a change for you and your wife, so try to give it all some time. She has to get used to her new body and so do you. Though why not focus on who your wife is and how much better off she is now, than focusing on an old feeling of pleasure for you that in the past caused your wife pain.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Good advice. I used to put my wife on a pedestal before the surfer and this really probably wasn't too healthy for me. Now I've been able to focus on the relationship with more equality. This has helped me immensely because I have more time for other passions that I have like racing now that she's doing more around the house. She used to have discomfort doing dishes, cooking, laundry, yard work/raking leaves etc...so I always used to do everything even though I work full time. I split the work load in half and I now have TONS more time to go have fun. Sure I'd like to be more intimate with her but getting more time around the race track really is pretty nice. I know that her participating more in our household is helping to be more together.
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
I completely understand where you're coming from.  I'm still having difficulty looking at what she so proudly shows off. Irrespective of the medical benefits of reduced weight, I think a lot of it for my wife was "fixing" her aestetic and while she's happy with the results its still very difficult for me to process and look at. I liked the large breast when we first met and thought she looked great even after 3 kids and 14 yrs of marriage. I think sweetpea can talk a lot of platitudes and while its true that one needs to get used to it I'm concerned how long that will take. The hard part is trying to be supportive, while hiding how disturbing the the look and feel are.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
I'm still not used to the look either. Quite frankly she's now not the kind of woman that I would give a second notice if I were dating. She too is oddly proud of this surgery which is puzzling to me. I must have a great poker face. My wife's health was perfect before the surgery so it wasn't for health reasons as she claims. I'd like to say it gets better but we're not there yet. I'm very supportive of her I just don't want to be with her intimately. And going to the doctor for this phony "erectile disfunction" is a real pain in the ***.
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
168348 tn?1379360675
I happened upon this thread and was wondering how both husbands are doing now that a few months have gone by?
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
Wow, I can't believe no body talks about this. There is no way a husband or wife can alter their body and then say it is only their business. Imagine a wife who is only attracted to tall men. One day her husband comes home and say,"Being 6'5" makes me feel socially awkward and people always stare at me. Clothes never fit right and they are hard to find. I'm reducing my height to 5'6" so I can live a better life." Post-op the wife would not feel as attracted to the husband and many "height fixated" women would file for a divorce. Somehow, men who are attracted to large breasts are villianize, but it is a common and natural thing among men. Unless a wife is in pain and everything else has been attempted to help, I think wives are wrong to get reductions. Why would a wife want to make herself less atrractive to her husband? Totally selfish.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Good point, thank you for sharing. I know if I came home with an extra 100 lbs. suddenly my wife would be packing her bags. My wife's reduction had nothing to do with pain. She wanted to fit into more clothes and refused to do the real work to lose and keep weight off. Breast reduction surgery was her "quick fix" and now she's putting weight on again. She's never been further from attractive since I've known her. Thank you again for your words.
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
What is selfish, is to compare height with breasts... Compleatly obsurd! Breasts cause PAIN! I carry around pounds and pounds and pounds on my petite little shoulders... My husband is very supportive of my reduction though he loves my size H extremely saggy blobs of postpardum disgustingness. i dont get it, but he does... I happened upon this site because i was looking for ways for us BOTH to heal post reduction... How naive to assume reductions are a selfish thing to do. I am 5'5" 138lbs. 15+ lbs of that boob. I am a 32 H and any woman would understand 32 means i am tiny... TINY. With these big things i lug around causing me to not be able to run, excersize, be modest and I have to hand alter all my shirts with carpultunnel... buy my bras overseas because American chains do not make my size and if they do they are uglier than a hairless dog in a sweater... I have nerve damage due to the weight and am developing a hump back and my posture is causing not just upper back pain but pain that shoots down both legs... i can not wear a wireless ra and cant sleep without having my breath cut off. i have broken blood vessels where the wire is in constant contact with my chest and underarms... I am getting this paid for by my insurence because it is medically necessary! I am appauled that men can be so simple minded to think that its okay to even post this... jeez, your wife is no longer suffering and rather than be happy for her your being a whiney baby all about the past... get over it! -Rose
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
This is the exact insensitive attitude that men get from anyone near this procedure being done. We have no place to go, to share, to heal (if possible). Some of our wives were not suffering but just didn't want to do the work. My wife didn't have pain, she just didn't want to do the work involved to lose weight. Calling us "winey baby" says a lot about you. Yes I will "get over it". My household is equalizing-she now gets to do a fair share of the housework and I no longer have to go shopping with her. It's nice. I miss the sex but it was diminishing anyways. I have other passions in life and now get to spend more time following that. She wants to spend more time with me but maybe I should just tell her to "get over it" and that she's just being a "whiney baby". Yah, that should work because it's sensitive to her needs too.
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
I realize that many women get reductions for medical reasons and that is understandable. Just saying that having empathy for husbands and boyfriends who find large breasts aestheticly pleasing should not be seen as completely unimportant. You mentioned that you don't understand finding large breasts attractive so I assume you have not empathy at all. But it is hard to experience the women love become suddenly different and less attractive even if you know it is to relieve her pain. I still believe breast reduction and height reduction are close aesthetic equivalents in a gender sense.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
What is selfish is the way this surgery screws up more relationships than lives it betters. When a man is attracted to a woman that is a good thing. How can you possibly fault an individual for being attracted to you. If he likes your breasts that is a great thing. The doctors tell you how out of proportion you are and they can reduce the size back to a more normal size. Let's step back a second and think about what is actually going on here. A strange individual takes a small sharp knife and cuts large pieces of breast tissue from those very glands that define you as a woman. He then pulls what is left back together staples it and stitches what he can back together to form some resemblance of a breast. In my wines case the nipples look like they were cut with a small cookie cutter, she is scarred from armpit to armpit, half of each breast has ended up as bags under each armpit and the doctor took well over two thirds of each breast. Now she looks normal I guess. Sure they are smaller but very ugly.  I can only speak for myself but this surgery was a complete disaster for our marriage.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
What is selfish is the way this surgery screws up more relationships than lives it betters. When a man is attracted to a woman that is a good thing. How can you possibly fault an individual for being attracted to you. If he likes your breasts that is a great thing. The doctors tell you how out of proportion you are and they can reduce the size back to a more normal size. Let's step back a second and think about what is actually going on here. A strange individual takes a small sharp knife and cuts large pieces of breast tissue from those very glands that define you as a woman. He then pulls what is left back together staples it and stitches what he can back together to form some resemblance of a breast. In my wines case the nipples look like they were cut with a small cookie cutter, she is scarred from armpit to armpit, half of each breast has ended up as bags under each armpit and the doctor took well over two thirds of each breast. Now she looks normal I guess. Sure they are smaller but very ugly.  I can only speak for myself but this surgery was a complete disaster for our marriage.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Yes! I miss the size but my god the shape is HORRIBLE now. Guess what too-she's gaining weight and it's going back to the breasts in very odd ways. I would feel bad for her if I wasn't so mad. I'm so disappointed. I'm ruined over this. I just feel myself caring less and less and I'm experiencing severe sexual disfunction. Pills to get erection and I can't finish anymore.  Maybe if she was in pain or had cancer god forbid I could really understand better but right now I'm a mess.
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
My wife of 26 years, had very large breast in her mind in mine her body was perfect.. After about 16 years of marriage my wife told me she had discussed it with her sister and after they were done discussing it.. She
thought she was going to have a reduction done. After I let her know there was no way on God green earth this was not going to happen. Not because I rule the home with a iron fist, but this was the same woman who had told me we would grow old gracefully and not under the knife. My wife is 4 years older than me and 99% of people believe I'm 5+ years older than her. Now we know who's aging gracefully. My biggest problem at that time was it was discussed with her sister, not me. Move forward 10 years. My wife,  our daughter 22,  our son 19, and myself are sitting at a restaurant and I'm told along with our kids. She has good news, "she has decide she is going to get a breast reduction" I just froze . I 've been in therapy for over 10 + years. When my therapist asked if after 30 years of being together, I've told my wife how much I was against it and it bothered me, I could not believe how quick the word "NO" came out without even thinking about it. I replied "it wont matter" after hearing myself, I decide to bring it up. In her loudest voice she let me know "I knew you would make this all about you". I said no but can we talk about it, maybe come to a middle. "NO" she replied. I then said something that was not a threat but just a very sad feeling. "if we don't talk about this ,it could destroy our family & marriage". After healing time.  We tried to be intimate twice, the first time I couldn't even look, nor receive pleasure, the second time wasn't much different. After 10 weeks of her recovery, it just didn't feel right any longer it was just quite. I told my wife I was going to move out. Almost 7-8 months later we just keep growing apart. I have dreams of my family and want to go home.  She is the only woman I ever wanted to spend my life with. Know I just want to love again and be loved in the way I feel loved. So ladies(wives) we know its your body and its your breast, but try to remember your our wife's(LIFE'S) and who knows why but we go through something very painful also our hearts breaking. Last thing enough with the red mark from the underwire or straps. My belt leaves the worst red mark that hurts and itches and my shoelaces when there too tight, but I've never considered cutting off my feet or waist down. You put the bra on, wear a looser one or none. The men are looking if you wear one or don't and 99% of the time we're always saying looking good....Last and most important God forbid should any of you ever get breast cancer the husband who loves you, will be dragging you to the hospital to have them removed. We know how much we need you. We just want to feel needed and have our feelings count also.  
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Thank you for posting. I feel the same. We're made to feel like "jerks" for having any opinion contrary to the reduction. My wife's reduction was because she thought she would look better and fit into more clothes. I was appalled that she didn't try to lose some weight to do this. I'm disappointed and disgusted quite frankly that she didn't want to work towards losing weight the old fashioned way. When she would lose some weight her breasts would go down slightly and she was happy. Insurance lopped off a lot of breast and she's small. More than just small she looks horrible now and resembles a pile of mashed potatoes instead of the wonderful curves she had before. I suddenly have "erectile disfunction" and seeking treatment for that. What a joke. At least I have more time for my race car and I'm not available for art shows or going shopping anymore.
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
Rose if there is pain or any other medical condition and a husband doesn't understand the reason for getting it done when it is to take away pain or give you a healthier life. Is a man who fell in love with your boobs and not you. I realize this is not your story. My wife did speak of discomfort or pain every once in awhile, but I rarely ever seen or new that she would take a over the counter pain med and never anything stronger. So how bad was the pain??  I'm guessing and in no way standing in judgment, if anything I
hope when you were in pain there was something you had that would help you. There are no awards for living in pain. My wife about 6 years ago had a skin cancer not diagnosed  correctly on her chin for 3 years until she changed doctors. By the grace of God it did not go into her bone. They only had to remove her chin under her bottom lip from right to left, but the chin bone stayed. I walked into the room where she was sitting up and ask me how she looked as there are no mirrors in the room. With my eyes filled with tears that were now rolling down my face, she asked "how do I look"? My mouth open and the words BEAUTIFUL came out he did such a great job. My brain was in high crazy gear crying harder than it ever has asking God "WHERE IS MY WIFES CHIN" AS THERE WAS NOTHING BUT A GAPPING HOLE WHERE HERE CHIN ONCE WAS. My wife had a large scar that was in a football shape. When she asked this time  " How do I look during this time " I replied the truth "AS BEAUTIFUL AS EVER" So when its about health there is doubt thing need to be done. But when its really not(not that the marks aren't there and the straps are leaving marks) but GEEZ THESE HUSBANDS(REAL MEN) MARRY, TRY TO RAISE A FAMILY CORRECT, AND IN SOME CASES (MINE FOR SURE) I THE HUSBAND WORK SO HARD TO EARN ENOUGH SO MY WIFE CAN LIVE THE LIFE SHE CHOOSES. I DIDN"T ASK FOR THIS PAIN (HEART BREAK) or want it. BUT IT IS REAL AND THE FEELING FOR MY BEST FRIEND SINCE I"M 20 YEARS OLD NOW 49 ARE GONE, and I want them back. I will never not love her she is the mother of my children. I want to love her again as the only love in my life.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
I know this pain your are experiencing. My husband of 28 yrs has been messed up for the past 12 yrs since I had my breast reduction... It has ruined my marriage. I had neck and shoulder pain and my husband WAS supportive about the surgery. We discussed it, watched a video of the surgery together etc. what came after was so unexpected . My husband cried for months, tried antidepressant mess and we did grow apart. I  acknowledged his feeling,tried to reassure that surgery takes time to heal and settle down. My husband started having erectile problems and things continued to get  worse. I do understand he may be grieving and it is a body image change. I guess after dealing with such strong emotions for months I just wanted to move on with my life, but he couldn't. He was stuck in this rut"your not the same person".  Difficult to deal with these emotions for past 12 yrs and yes it has ruined us.. It took a few years after surgery for things to sexually be better but we're not the same couple anymore. My breasts are back to the same size when I meet my husband now(grew larger after each child).he can't get passed it!
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Thank you for post. I'm the husband in the same situation. I have seeked counceling but it is so hard. I'm ruined over it.
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
Thank you for posting this. I have had the similar experience. 7 years later I am still so sad. She had the operation despite my expressed wishes, and after I could feel nothing but disgust.
I tried and I tried, but I could not get the feeling back. She broke up because my lack of interest.

I am so sad still. I am so f'n sad. I feel you man.

Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
It's not like we can completely control sexual attraction. If w could, then we would decide to be excited about any kind of body whatsoever. Would make life easy. But as it is, if we are disgusted by, or stressed by the reduced breasts, then, in my experience, it is almost impossible to "wish it away and be happy".
Loving someone and feeling sexual attraction is not for men perfectly aligned. And its not because they don't wish it were.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
Well I have been with the same partner for 11 years.  She got the breast reduction early on in our relationship.  Maybe after one year together.  I still hold a lot of resentment, anger, frustration, betrayal, depression. I felt and still feel shallow for caring so much about her breasts but that is how I feel. I feel it is something a female will never fully understand.  What if I decided to get a penis reduction?  Would most woman be accepting of that?  Highly unlikely. She had a wonderful pair of breasts and went from DD to B/C . I am partial to big **** but I love breast in all shapes and sizes, they were hers and it hurt a lot to see them go.  I repressed it for a while but it just made it worse.  I regret not speaking up more prior to her doing it.  I feel if she were to consider doing it now I would put a up a huge battle.  Also it was not for back issues, purely a confidence thing.  Well I wish I was hung like a horse but I'm not going to get an operation!  Just had to get that off my chest.  Getting married in two months and I am still holding on to this ********.  If anyone has any advice to finally put this **** behind me, please let me know.

Thanks

Al
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
I spoke up a lot before my wife's procedure but of course any comment made that wasn't 100% supportive meant I was being an insensitive jerk that only cared for her breasts. I now have complete sexual shutdown and am madly depressed over this. She wasn't in all that much pain but wanted to fit into more dressess. She understood somewhat but did it anyways. Knowing she likes tall men (I'm 6'3")--I told her what if I came home one day and I was 5'3". She got that analogy but continued anyways. I love her but I'm completely torn up inside.
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
In December of 2013, I had made the choice to undergo breast reduction surgery. (I was a 40G and went to a D)This is something I had wanted since I was 17 years old (now 38). This decision was not made lightly and in fact was always something I had talked about to my husband from very early on in our relationship prior to getting married. When it would be talked about he was supportive, but as time drew closer, he wanted no part of it and began telling myself AND family members he would in fact, divorce me if I followed through with it. I knew that he liked my breast but to be quite honest, our sex life was practically non existent which was making me feel even worse. He said that he knew if I went through it, he may never forgive me and if I didn't do it for his sake, I would resent him. The sad reality is just this...do breast make the person? What about weight loss and gain? Hair changes, long, short, brown, blonde?
I get that there is physical attraction but when you make the commitment to marry a person, and enter into that holy sacrament , is it strictly for that physical reason? Because if that is the case, then you should not marry that individual. Marriage should be so much deeper than that.
I do not regret my choice because I have no more back pain, my shoulders do not pull forward, I can find bras and clothes that finally fit and it actually got me to start becoming more healthy because of them not being in the way of exercising. I regret that we started out on the same page and fell away from that. Now, here is the interesting turn of events, after about two months after surgery, he finally wanted to see them. We were both hesitant but made it through. It actually began to draw us closer, to open up about so many other things that we had misunderstood over the years. We actually started to have a great, regular sex life!  Sadly, after about six months, he is back to wanting a divorce and this being the no. 1 reason. YHe would go to the bar after work and then come home telling me about this particular girl, saying how big her **** were, how he tries to not look but now that I don't have them, he HAS to look at everyone else's and telling me she is a missed opportunity because he is married. Needless to say, we are back to bad and he actually has been staying with this new said girl.
I am desperately trying to understand his points and can gactually empathize with him, however, it IS my body, my pains and I dealt with the constant stares. Everyone will have their opinions but being mean and cruel to another person should never be ok irregardless of the situation.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
It's so aweful as a woman to feel that you are worth nothing more than a pair of breasts... My breasts are the same size as when I met my husbad( got larger with pregnancy)After 12-13 years of dealing with emotional issues over this and some other things that have come up in our marriage because of my surgery we are now in the middle of divorce... I can't live with shallow Hal  any longer.. I'm a cute, educated, good mom of 3 with great sense of humor and a passion for my job .. Time  does not heal this.. Counseling may help sort out deep feeling why this is so over the top
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
I'm saddened to read this. You certainly are more than a pair of breasts but body image and sexual attraction are very deep, complex issues. Calling him shallow is showing the same level of disappointment is the same level of disappointment that he experienced. I know as a man I feel completely marginalized and crazy for not being 100% supportive. I now have to take drugs just to be intimate with her and I'm completely ruined about it. The worst part about was that when she would lose weight her breast size would go down. She just doesn't want to do the work and puts the weight back on. Her body went from a very beautifully curved form to a version that resembles a pile of mashed potatoes. I'm so upset all the time.
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
Wow.  It was gut wrenching to read a lot of these comments.  Many of these men suffer the anguish of seeing the woman they love and desire surgically altered to a point where their sex life suffers only to have it compounded with what amounts to mental abuse by others who claim they are being selfish and insensitive.  When I first told my friends 20 years ago that I was going out on a date with my future wife, they asked if I meant that chubby girl.  Yes, she was chubby and still is and always will be.  It's her body type.  Society and men in general put all kinds of pressure on each other to marry the "right type" of girl and that generally means skinny.  I am so happy I didn't listen to any of that because I ended up with the most loving and caring women I have ever met.  She also has a fantastic pair of DDs.  She knows that.  I find her, the whole package immensely attractive.  I know her boobs put pressure on her back and sometimes hinders her in other ways.  I asked her if she would like to have smaller breasts.  After thinking about it she admitted that it would be a gift in many respects but also she knows I enjoy them during sex and that she enjoys that I enjoy them.  She said that she always hears the other nurses at work complain about their lame sex lives and it makes her appreciate how active ours is and that she wouldn't ever want to jeapordize that because it is one of the reasons we are so close to each other.  Another example of why she is so amazing.  
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
You are a very lucky person. Thank you for your words.
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
It is only a matter of time. Give yourself some time till you get comfortable with the changed shape of your partner's body. Once you will get comfortable with it, you will start liking the change. You have to understand that its her body & there must have been a solid reason behind her decision to go through breast reduction surgery.
One of the following Problems must have enforced her to undergo the surgery:-
-The woman with macromastia presents enlarged breasts that tend to be sagging, the weight of which cause her pains in the chest, neck, back, and shoulders
- Inhibit breathing deeply; rendering the woman unable to take a deep breath and fill her lungs with air.
- Lower breast-hemisphere skin infection (inframammary intertrigo)
- Cause brassière-strap indentations to the shoulders; and render her unable to properly fit her clothes.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
How much time? She's gone back to her old ways and gained weight. Her torso is bigger than it was. I'm struggling with "erectile disfunction" and she has never looked worse. Imfeel horrible for saying this. She went from sexy to pudgy gramma literally overnight and has only gotten worse. I feel so crappy.
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
For reference about breast surgery(breast reduction/breast augemntation):-
http://kyraclinic.com/breast_reduction
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
Women have no clue.  You completely discount what this man is saying.  He is telling you how he feels.  My wife had a breast reduction 10 years ago and I am still depressed about it.  Poor me I know, but that is how I feel.  If there is any constructive suggestions for men who are depressed about their wives breast reduction please comment
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Oh I am the same. Thank you for speaking out. I'm ruined over this. Sex life has gone to about 20% of what it was and I have to take pills to be intimate with her. "Suddenly" i have erectile disfunction. I feel horrible.
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
Like already stated "I was surprised at the feelings I have of betrayal, neglect, almost grieving the loss of my favorite part of her body, feelings of depression." My wife had a reduction 13 months ago. I have tried to get used to her new much reduced shape and it is not going well. I find it difficult to look at her scarred breasts. She says what if I had cancer? I say that is different, you underwent a voluntary procedure because you didn't like the way people looked at you. We get nowhere. I more or less can force myself to be with her, but if I think too much while being together I cannot maintain an erection. If I was not in my 60's I would move on, but I don’t relish the thought of "dating." I love her for many reasons, but don't find her sexually attractive. So where does that leave us? In some sort of limbo, a plutonic type relationship without desire that make me nauseous when I think about it. I lusted for my wife for many years, now I have difficulty looking at her.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Finally. It's been so hard to find anyone speaking up like this. I feel the same. Life is really horrible in the intimacy department. I've looked to engage myself in other passions but its weird to even get in bed with my wife now. Feel like we're just roommates. I'm really torn up about this and its not getting better. Thank you again for speaking out.
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
Well said. My husband actually encouraged me to do breast reduction i refused. Two years later i started getting back and shoulder pains. Did reduction 1/16/2015 and am so happy with the outcome. Wish i did it long ago.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
Unconditional love sees through the physical.  Couples both female and males can go through all sorts of physical illnesses that change the way they look through illnes,s aging, operations and life saving operations etc.  Also, women can suffer prolapse and have difficulties with the ability to have sex and men can suffer issues with erectile issues for a number of reasons.  If this alters the relationship it may be a good time to consider counselling to address the changes that life brings to our bodies as we get older.  
If a woman had breast cancer and had to have a mastectomy would her husband not feel attracted to her?  Would he want to reject her?  Some men may want to move on.  This is sad but the truth is.. that his wife would simply know more about him, his fears and tolerances etc.,  He would not have changed, but have opened up more for her to see.  Is this good?  She may be very sad, but sometimes if a partner is no longer attracted to a woman simply because of physical changes to her appearance it may make her question if she has the close unconditional relationship she always thought she had.  
We are all entitled to our feelings both male and female.  
If fears and deep resentments arise in any area of a couples relationship it could be a good idea to get counselling to address this rather than allow the relationship to suffer.
If resentment builds as our partners get happier for whatever reason, there may be more going on than literally meets the eye.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Sorry, "unconditional love" exists between a parent and a child only. If I lost a foot of height or gained 100lbs. I wouldn't expect "unconditional love" to kick in and save me any more than Santa Claus coming down the chimney. I've lost so much joy in my life and at this point I'm not just talking about breasts.
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
8  years later and I have never gotten used to my wife's changed body.    I never will and no amount of counseling  will change.  I've tried.  We're still married but sex life is non existent.   I don't dare say anything or I'm a selfish *******.   I just suffer in silence and accept the fact that my sex life is basically over.   I'm committed to being faithful.  The anger is there and it manifests itself in depression but there is nothing I can do to change  my wife's body back or erase the image of what was lost to me physically.  Sad but true.  There are many aspects about my spouse I love.  I pleaded with her to reconsider before going ahead with the surgery but was basically told to get over it.   If I could have even had some say as to the extend of the reduction I may have felt different, but it basically came down to the surgeon and my wife making the decision and I had no input.  

I dare not say anything or I am a bad person.   So, I'm sorry ladies who feel we are selfish bastards, but  I've tried to adjust.   Most men are just wired to the visual appearance of a woman.  It has been proven over and over that sex is very much about the visual and tactile experience for men.  What are we supposed to do?  Deny our hormones?   If a women is suffering PMS due to hormonal changes, it is accetable.   If a man has inabillity to adapt due to physical changes in a women we are just awful people.  Frankly, I give up.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
I'm very surprised this is the best conversation across the internet so this is my story for the past couple months my wife has been hinting she was going through with this procedure and for the longest i was very supportive and the night before the operation we tried having sex but i really wasn't into it and we both went to bed upset at each other she said it would change her life for the better then the day came i had high hopes that things would come out great until i seen her after the operation i was extremely let down from what was said during the pre op she would go from a g cup down to maybe a solid d cup but she looked more like a average c cup on the way home my disappointment and anger got the better of me and i said some very hurtful things and after she had enough she said some back it took me to call a family crisis line to get advise on how to handle the situation they said the same thing many of the female commenters said "she is the one going through the surgery""it's her life"and etc but the only thing that really hurts my feeling that i thought that we are a team and we should think together instead of apart later that night i reassured her that i wasn't going anywhere but i still fall in with some of the guys i have always been attracted to my wife other than her physical appearance she is loving and trusting and we have been through a lot more together than any other women i have ever been in a serious relationship with but i always enjoyed her being a plus sized girl and that was one of the great physical attributes my wife had c cup sized breast look great on a female of a certain body sized but if you put them on a larger size girl it just doesn't look natural at all i understand the women side of the story with the health benefits but i understand the guys side of maybe getting some reassurance than the procedure won't go horrible wrong she is left with nothing but in the end what is done is done i can't cry over her decision when i have my own life to live that's something she has to live with i don't have to like the final result but i have to accept it because she is my wife and thats who i vowed to honor and cherish just like she is going to honor and cherish me  and as far as the other commenters now matter if it's been 1 day or 8 years ago that you and your spouse had this procedure done don't let something special slip away over something like this just remember the good times and the bad and the reasons on why you two decided to get married or get involved into a serious relationship in the first place it's not the men fault that they have feeling's or emotion's and it's not the women fault that they have health concern's with having large breast WE ARE ALL HUMAN and all of us are very unique and in a relationship we need to work with, respect, and understand each others needs and feeling to have a healthy relationship p.s. I HATE C-CUPS!!!
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Wow. I'm shocked by how similar we are. Excellent words. I hate the C-cups too. I wouldn't date a woman that looks like my wife, I just wouldn't AND THAT'S OK! Men are visual and to go further there's got to be a lot more and to get married is everything. I hate the implication that we're marrying these women for their breasts alone. Women saying this are victimizing themselves. I think a lot of these breast reductions could be done with weight loss alone. My wife was not and is not willing to do the work. With her C-cups now she resembles an awful pile of mashed potatoes. She has to scoop the tragedy known as her chest into her new bras and then looks horrible but no where near as bad as when she is nude. Sex is non-existent. Our bedroom is constantly pitch black with curtains drawn. Any snuggling is in the dark and we are fully dressed. I too am human and tired of feeling ashamed because I prefer a voluptuous woman.
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
It's incredibly sad to me that so many of you have let your marriages fall apart because of what you deem as a physical imperfection. My boyfriend and I had only been together for 4 months when I underwent my surgery. I was then forced to spend the following 3 months recovering states away from him, but throughout this time he was incredibly loyal and, above all, excited for me. We've been together for over two years now and I have never felt more confident and comfortable in my body, resulting in an even healthier sex life. Next to trust, the most important part of a relationship is putting the other's health and happiness before your own. It's pretty pathetic that a 19 and 20 year old were able to endure something so inconsequential (in the grand scheme of things) better than some of you who have been married for over a decade. I feel sorry for your poor, undervalued wives. I hope they some day find men who will be attracted to their other physical and intellectual aspects which you have failed to appreciate.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
"It's incredibly sad to me that so many of you have let your marriages fall apart because of what you deem as a physical imperfection."

So it's the man's fault here? All we hear as men from anyone in, around, or near this surgery is that we are insensitive and suffer from having a fetish. I'm sorry but if I gain 100 lbs. my wife is leaving. Would she be letting my marriage fall apart by me losing 100 lbs.?

Newsflash-your boyfriend likes breasts just not big breasts. There's a big difference. Just like I've run into guys that are obsessed with a woman's *** and any breasts over a B-cup is considered excessive or as described in private company -"gross". I run into these guys plenty and they are perfectly "fine" with these surgeries because they don't care. It doesn't affect them. Luckily as I've stated prior this breast reduction surgery has brought more equality to our relationship. I put her, albeit unhealthily, on a bit of a pedestal from doing more work around the house. I would come home from work throughout the week (she doesn't work) and make dinner for the kids (incidentally I prepare all the children meals at our house), the laundry, the cleaning, yard work, pretty much everything. We've been to couples therapy to discuss my "obsession" with her breasts and now that's gone of course so I can really focus on her as a person and bring some balance into the relationship. It's great because I now have a TON of free time. Too much of my passion was centered around her physically and now I get to focus on other passions like car racing. So there's some balance I guess-less with her and more in my life apart from her. Not having to go shopping with her and equalizing the housework has been amazing I have to admit. Also returning Sundays to all day football has been nothing short of fantastic.
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
I feel all the confusion here by the men. Breasts are wonderful. It's some sick game that society plays when you strive for perfection. But if you have a man who truly loves you why change??

As for me. I had a reduction. I hate it. I'm not me anymore. I'm anyone. I'm not special. I wish I'd never done it   I am looking to get implants to take me back. Any women. Is it a reduction you want or an uplift. Be clear.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Thank you for sharing and for your honesty. You had your best intentions with your procedure. Hopefully in time it gets better for you. Thank you again for sharing-
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
My beloved wife of 20 years just told me a couple weeks ago she wanted a reduction. I was shocked and didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything and listened. After a couple of days of soul searching I sat her down and explained my perspective.

First, I reminded her that she asked me out after we had met at a party. I really wasn't interested. She used her breasts to attract me and even went so far as to take her shirt off when we started making out a little. They were fabulous and in my testosterone laden youth they were plenty of incentive to seek a second date. Without her breasts I would never have pursued her or fallen in love with her because quite frankly she wasn't my type. She was and still is pretty chubby.

I told her no matter what she does, I will always love her. After 20 years I still lust after her as well. I cannot guarantee that will continue to be the case if she gets a reduction though. The hard truth is she will then be chubby with small or medium boobs in proportion to her body. I am a passionate man and I will not live a passionless life. The implication is clear and the decision is hers. She said she was shocked, upset and flattered all at the same time. I did tell her that I know I should do a better job romancing her to show her how wonderful she is. She doesn't need an esteem boost from smaller boobs. She needs a daily reminder from me.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
I am really sad to read these men's views. I was 17 when I had a breast reduction. I was 120lbs with 32e boobs. Men of all ages constantly stared and made horrible comments and laughed at me with their friends. I felt like a freak having such big boobs on a small body. I had to give up sports because they hurt so much and I wore really baggy clothes to hide them. All I ever wanted was to have normal sized or small boobs like all my friends had. I did not want or understand the attention. I begged my mother to let me get a reduction. I truly believe I had to have it because I was so out of proportion, but I do have scars and this has affected my relationship s with Men because I don't want them to be turned off by me so I have only ever had sex in dark which I know is also a turn off to men. At 33; I've tried so hard to overcome this and tried to think differently about this and hope that someday a men will like me for who I am,and the fact that I have other attractive qualities about me but it seems what most men really want is a nice pair of boobs and that's really really really awful and they will throw away 'love' because of this one aspect. I'd rather be single than be in a relationship with a man who isn't 100% happy with me like the men commenting here.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
The thing you're missing here, and I'm sorry for your experience when you were younger, is that you're not in a committed relationship or marriage for 10 years. There are men that will be 100% attracted to you as you are. They will notice your eyes, your smile, your hair, legs, whatever and then want to learn more about you. As they get to know how wonderful you are they will want to go even further and make even more of a commitment. This is normal. Men are visual. Men who like a woman's eyes are no different than men who like a woman's breasts just more socially acceptable as it turns out. The difference that you're not appearing to recognize is that a dramatic change like this physically is drastic, sudden, and affects sexual desire. No your sterling personality doesn't carry you through just as my gaining 100 lbs. suddenly is going to hold water with my wife. While you describe the men on this site as shallow beings at best you're showing us what a lot of women have presented us in the face of these reduction surgeries - complete insensitivity. We get to like what we like and if you think we married you or have long lasting relationship based on the size of your breasts then you are selling yourself very short.  
Comment
Cancel
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
Words of encouragement for men and women on both ends of this---- my comment is worth a read for advice and maybe a little or a lot of healing!!  I'm a 56 year old woman who had a reduction at age 28.  My husband (now married 32 years) agreed to the procedure, because after our second child, my boobs almost hung down to my belly button.  Here is the weird part....After the reduction, I sort of blocked everything out, and focused on the kids - my husband and I still had great sex, although he wasn't all over my boobs anymore and I kept them covered and assumed the .. ahem .. top position.  Oddly, I didn't care - I wouldn't and couldn't allow myself to care.  Fast forward 28 years from reduction dat.  Here I sit, with my boobs almost back to the size they were before the reduction, as a spilling over 36 D.  Pre-reduction was DD.  My boobs are better shaped than they were, but I am anguished over the scars.  I practice yoga regularly, and am in good shape, but hate the scars.  
Here's where the hope and healing comes in: Instead of wallowing in the past, the woulda (not done it) coulda (not done it) shoulda (not done it), here is my advice to you all.  Women, buy some of prettiest, sexiest lingerie you can get your hands on.  I like pieces I can shimmy down under my boobs to cover the scar lines, then hoist the boobs up over the top - like a corset.  Or push them up over the top of any neckline so your nightie is basically a sling.  LOVE yourself , massage vitamin A cream into the scars to get them as supple and faded as possible and grow your hair long!  
HUSBANDS!  Here is the most important thing for you to do, and I SWEAR it will bring amazing healing to you both.  Please try to love her new boobs.  Kiss them and caress them (overcome).  Fondle them and tell her she is beautiful. Watch it come true, your words are VERY powerful.  Buy her flowers, put some petals on her for healing in a moment of togetherness.  
Help her heal, because I can guarantee if you are feeling appalled, she is feeling those feelings 100 times over.  You can actually turn this around some, and watch for yourself the amazing power of acceptance, love, transformation...all within YOUR ability.  Please try
, and see the wonders of your human touch, kind words and caring.  Try it...it might not happen over night, but try it for a while and watch your wife become beautiful again.  You need it, she needs it.  You can't go back but you can change today and tomorrow.  Try it... :)  Best to you all. xo
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
I think you'd be doing your wife an extraordinarily big favour if you left her. I don't know her, but my heart aches for her at having a man like you in her life. She deserves so much better, and I hope she finds it.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Avatar universal
Is this just about really liking big boobs or are you feeling like your wives/girlfriends made this decision without taking your feelings into consideration? As a woman about to undergo a breast reduction, I can tell you it is very easy to get caught up with the notion of finally being ‘free’ of these burdens that cause daily aggravation – from unwanted attention to outright physical agony – that it is difficult to see a downside sometimes.
If my boyfriend told me he wanted me to keep my large breasts, I would have them reduced anyway. I would be very sorry that he felt that way but this is not a ‘team’ decision, I’m afraid. I do value his opinion and I want him to find me attractive, but he does not have to live with them every moment of every day. I agree that it is important to talk about this kind of thing, however I know and he knows that it would be incredibly selfish of him to expect me to live with enormous breasts (30H), when they make me miserable (physically and mentally), just because it gets him off.
Pdxbrb – honestly, it doesn’t sound like you just ‘prefer a voluptuous woman’ you sound like you really don’t like your wife at all. She is ‘a pile of mashed potatoes’, her breasts are a ‘tragedy’, she looks terrible in clothes but even worse when nude, wanted surgery for ‘a quick fix’ because she is too lazy to exercise, she has never looked worse, etc … and you are faking erectile dysfunction because you do not want to talk about the fact that you are still crying over a breast reduction that you didn’t want her to get. I think you are right to say you put her on a pedestal as she was, and now she has revealed herself to be, in fact, an imperfect human being, you can’t handle it.
Comment
Cancel
Comment
Avatar universal
Comment
Comment
Submit Comment
Your Answer
Avatar universal
Answer
Know how to answer? Tap here to leave your answer...
Answer
Submit Answer
A
A
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Cosmetic Surgery Community Resources