Ileostomies and Itimacy

I had a complete colectomy 10 years ago at the age of 33 due to Crohns and have only had 1 serious relationship since then.  I am single again and am contemplating getting back into dating.  My problem is having the ileostomy and self-esteem issues.  I have talked to a number of people and have been told that they would not date someone with an ostomy.  This is very discouraging and I am at such a loss and suffering greatly from depression.  Any suggestions or help out there?  I'm not an unattractive person and most people don't even know I have one.  I'm just really struggling right now because I want to date again and I have allowed this to get in the way.  When is the right time to tell someone and then how do you get past the fact you know it's there and the have the ability to let go?  PLEASE HELP!!!!

[jackie9]

hi i also had a colectomy 10 years ago due to crohns so i understand how you feel its very hard having an ileostomy it knocks your self esteem for ever the people you talked to and said they would not date someone with a stoma arenot nice people they may have to face such body altering surgery at some time how superfficial are they i have been married for four years to m husband and when i met him i was petrified of telling him abot my crohns and stoma but i just came straight out and told him  and he was great about it if someone really loves you they dont see any imperfections they love you as you are  he helps me when my bag bursts or if i have sore skin around the stoma and other things like goin out for a meal can be worrying if it leaks we are not freaks we have an illness that required major life saving surgery my husband is so happy that i lived through it or we would never have met there is someone for you out there who will love you for yourself i hope you find happiness dont give up  you have been through enough xxxx

[elf79424]

My husband had surgery about 2 months ago due to a long history of crohns (17yrs).  He now has an ileostomy. I think what has made our relationship work is that we were friends and I knew about his crohns before we started dating. I'll tell you what I have told him before/during/after his surgery.  I love him!  Not one part but the whole package.  We are a team and will get through it together.  It might take a while for you to find that person you were meant to be with but you will find him.  Don't be ashamed of your bag!  It does not define you.  It just makes you different.

Just remember.... we all have baggage we carry around.  You just wear yours on the outside!

[TrudieC]

Develop a close relationship and then tell them.  Asking someone who hasn't been in a situation of caring for someone with an ostomy is usually going to say they would prefer not to.  If they cared about a person then the story would be different.  Try shopping for nice lingerie that helps to cover that area.  It will help you in the self esteem area.

[Beecdonn]

Hi there

I had UC diagnosed 9 years ago when I was 19 and has my ileostomy within 2 years. At first I remember wondering what would happen and what people would think of me. It was never a secret from any of my friends, it didnt phase me and after I had healed 3 months, I found it was the best thing ever - I had a life and could go back to uni and leave the house. Within 3 months I was back on my horse and out enjoying myself. I had the option of reversal surgery but kept my stoma for 5 years. I am into motorbikes and rallying and if i met a bloke who i liked I would tell them from the off usually first night and said its up to you, take me or leave me as I am, I am in no way phased if it upsets you and I completely understand. In all that time from 21 - 27 no one ever bothered at all. I have now had the reversal and again absolutely fantastic, no bother or complications even though I am well built, lovely scars to show for it and can eat most things. I have never been cross about having UC - would rather consider myself lucky with it because having UC has shaped my job and I see people who are very ill, and will never have the opportunity to get better. For these reasons be confident with ur stoma its a part of you that keps you healthy and dont be afraid if someone asks questions or is unsure - just give them time and if they cant accept it, then they are not the person for you and are not broad minded enough to understand. Good luck with future relations

Donna