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Disorder in the American Courts
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER  

                                
These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts', and are things people actually stated in Court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place:
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:       He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?  
WITNESS:       My name is Susan!
_______________________________  
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:       Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?  
WITNESS:       No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?  
WITNESS:       July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS:       Every year.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS:       Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.  
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS:       Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:       I forget ...
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:       Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:       He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________  
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your  picture was taken?
WITNESS:       Are you shi**ing me?
_________________________________________  
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:       Getting laid.
____________________________________________  

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS:       Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?  
WITNESS:       None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?  
WITNESS:       Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________  
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:       By death ...
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:       Take a guess.
___________________________________________  

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:       He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?  
WITNESS:       Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.  
_____________________________________  
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:       No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:       All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.  
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:       Oral...
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ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:       The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:       If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________  
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:       Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________  
And last:
____________________________________________________________  
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?  
WITNESS:       No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?  
WITNESS:       No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:       Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.  
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:       Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.  

http://www.owensworld.com/jokes/news-politics/disorder-american-courts
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Avatar universal
OMG!!! I am laughing so hard, I had to stop midway because I was gasping.
Absolutely hilarious!!!
Thanks.
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Avatar universal
I liked all of them but this was pretty high on my list.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:       No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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Avatar universal
Every time I would select one to cut and paste as a favorite, I would read 3 more that had me rolling on the floor. TOO FUNNY!!!!
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Good stuff, and I don't doubt for a second that this was played out in the courts.  I've got a buddy who is a retired court reporter.  Ill have to ask him about this....
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