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The 10 Biggest Reasons Men Resent Their Wives
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The 10 Biggest Reasons Men Resent Their Wives

http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/10-biggest-reasons-men-resent-wives-143100288.html

Despite the picture-perfect impressions we get from upbeat Facebook posts or boastful holiday letters, even the healthiest marriages aren't 100% free of conflict. At some point, virtually everyone feels wronged by a romantic partner. Bob Navarra, PsyD, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT), says that those feelings aren't what throw a marriage off course-it's how couples handle them. "While it may be frustrating that the toothpaste cap was left off, happy couples talk about these small things," he says. But when those emotions are swept under the rug, a more toxic variety of negativity begins to fester: resentment. Here, marriage experts share some of the most common reasons husbands resent their wives and how to protect your relationship. Photo by Getty Images.

1. Not fighting fair.
Happy couples don't necessarily fight less, Dr. Navarra says; they just fight better, by "describing their own feelings and needs rather than labeling their partner as faulty." And the ball is probably in your court for that. Research shows that wives are more likely to bring up problems for discussion, while husbands are more likely to withdraw at the first sign of an argument. When this keeps happening, women tend to start conversations on a negative note, which only makes things worse. Instead of resorting to personal attacks-"You're such a slob!" "We're going to be late because of you!"-which lead to defensiveness, Dr. Navarra recommends sticking to "I-statements," such as "When (this happens), I feel (frustrated, angry). What I needed was..."

Related: 9 Fights You Should Have With Your Husband.

2. Treating him like a child.
"A big issue I see in couples is a man resenting his partner because he feels she talks down to him," says Mary Kelleher, LMFT. This can leave him feeling "less-than," and nothing triggers resentment faster than inadequacy. So avoid threatening his independence-the way pressuring him to go for a promotion so he'll bring home more money may be perceived-suggests couples therapist Vagdevi Meunier, PsyD. "No one wants to feel 'managed' by a spouse," Dr. Meunier says

3. Involving other people in your marriage.
What you might think of as harmless complaining to friends and family can actually break your husband's trust. It threatens the safety of the "couple bubble" you've created together. "Men find this humiliating and hurtful," says Norene Gonsiewski, Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), a couples' therapist at the Portland Relationship Center in Oregon. If you really need to vent, consider talking to a doctor or therapist to keep things confidential.

Related: 25 Ways To Improve Your Relationship

4. Not showing appreciation for thing he does right.
"Men will never ask for it," Gonsiewski says, but regular doses of praise are important. "They need to hear that their wives are proud of them." Scott Haltzman, MD, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women, notes that men tend to be more action-oriented than women, which means they show affection in different ways. "He may empty the dishwasher as a way of saying he cares about you." Haltzman's suggestion: "Pay attention to what he does, and let him know you notice."

5. Withholding sex as punishment.
While women generally need emotional intimacy to make love, men express emotional intimacy through sex, says Marla Taviano, author of Is that All He Thinks About? When a wife turns down sex, in her husband's mind, "she's turning him down as a person," explains Taviano. Using sex as a bargaining chip to get your needs meet isn't negotiating-it's emotional blackmail, which can alienate him. "Withholding sex may make your partner feel less love from you and give you less love in return," says Dr. Haltzman.

Related: 8 Secrets of Sexually Satisfied Couples.

6. Trying to change him.
"Every person can change, but it's better to focus on our own changes, rather than our spouse's behaviors," says Anne Ziff, LMFT, author of Marrying Well. And yet, some women see marriage as a starting point for a "husband makeover." This isn't all bad-studies show that married men tend to eat healthier and have fewer problems with drugs and alcohol than single guys-but avoid creating a relationship in which your husband can't be himself. "When a man feels his home is not his castle, and he can't just be a guy-whether it's walking around in his boxers or letting out a burp-he'll feel like he's been put in a box where he has to act prim and proper all the time," Dr. Meunier says. Sometimes, it's smarter to let the little things slide.

7. Making important decisions without his input.
Research shows that money is a top source of disagreements among married couples, even those with bigger budgets. In a lot of ways, money equals power, and balancing power is important to harmonious relationships, Meunier says. Whether you're considering booking a vacation or buying a dishwasher, your partner deserves a say. The same goes for decisions that affect how you and your husband spend your time, such as inviting company over for dinner or signing up your kids for soccer. Although it may seem simpler to beg for forgiveness instead of getting him on board, unilateral decision making can drive you two apart.

8. Not giving him the chance to be the kind of dad he wants to be.
Mothers often parent differently than fathers, but not necessarily better. For instance, some studies show that parenting styles more common with dads, such as rough-and-tumble play, offer children unique developmental benefits. "Men's resentment grows as their children develop with gaps in their competency and independence, two attributes men rate highly," Gonsiewski says. "When a woman doesn't trust her husband to parent she sends a message that he's wrong and only she's right." Instead, "reinforce your husband for the positive contributions he makes to your children's lives," Dr. Haltzman recommends.

9. Acting jealous when he looks at other women.
Men are visual creatures, Dr. Meunier says, so it's not surprising that a typical heterosexual man would notice a good-looking woman. "Women who understand this and don't take it personally minimize unproductive fights about jealousy." When a wife overreacts to a situation, her husband will likely feel defensive, and eventually, resentful. Dr. Meunier's advice? "Chill out." Responding to a visual cue isn't cause for worry, she says-curious comments or behaviors, like dropping your hand to head across the room to talk to another woman, could signify a lack of commitment to you.

10. Expecting immediate forgiveness after you apologize.
Studies show that seeking and granting forgiveness greatly contributes to marital satisfaction and longevity. But beware of empty words. While apologizing manages conflict, Dr. Navarra says a simple "I'm sorry" often isn't enough. To truly earn her husband's forgiveness, a wife needs to show that she understands why her husband is upset. Dr. Haltzman recommends being specific about what you're apologizing for, accepting responsibility for what you did, acknowledging that you what you did was harmful and lastly, asking what you can do to make it up to him. "If you've gotten to the first three steps cleanly, most men will say 'forget about it' to the last question," Dr. Haltzman says.
25%
 (3) 
So True
75%
 (9) 
Bunch of crock
12 Members voted
14 Comments
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The one who voted crock was undoubtedly our Glass.
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206807_tn?1331939784
Close call, but I just read this which means 2 others beat me to it.
After 30 years there will always be spurts of resentment along with spurts of awe. There is no top Ten List. There are times when I wake up and just watch my wife sleeping and she looks like an Angel and the next morning I may way up and think “Crap, the ***** is still Breathing”. I know there are times my wife Worships the Ground I Walk on and times that the only thing that prevents her from killing me is because she watched one to many episodes of CSI. That’s what a relationship is. You suck it up through the Good Times and the Bad.
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I do, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health till death do us part.

The ONLY thing wrong with relationships is the fantasy outlook of what a relationship actually means. More people need to study the vows before they take them and decide if they are truly committed beforehand.

There were times when I liked my children I gave birth to and there were times when I couldnt stand them. LOL, All relationships can be  both rewarding and not rewarding at times.

Respect of one another goes a long way to curing these stated ills....imo
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There are times when I wake up and just watch my wife sleeping and she looks like an Angel and the next morning I may way up and think “Crap, the ***** is still Breathing”
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ROFL!
I wanted to cut and paste it all. Very sweet and funny. I think it is beautiful that you can both experience awe with each other, even if it is only for an
occasional moment.
@Teko

The ONLY thing wrong with relationships is the fantasy outlook of what a relationship actually means
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Very true.
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649848_tn?1357751184
You could take that same list and turn them around so they'd be a wife's 10 biggest reasons to resent her husband.

The article makes it seem like the wife/woman should make all the changes and go out of her way to make hubby feel special.  That has to work both ways.

I like RGlass's take on it........ I can say the same things for my husband and myself after nearly 46 years.

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You could take that same list and turn them around so they'd be a wife's 10 biggest reasons to resent her husband.
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I agree. It definitely goes both ways. It does seem to me that generally speaking, women try harder to figure out and fix what is wrong, but that may be just me...
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206807_tn?1331939784
1. Not fighting fair. - A fight is not a discussion, you fight to win.

2. Treating him like a child. - Why would any women want to marry a man that is such a wuss that he would allow himself to be treated as a child?


3. Involving other people in your marriage. - I doubt my wife would go for it and to tell the truth, I’m to old for it. Seriously, my wife and me learned early not to get friends and especially family involved with any marital issues. It cost friendships and family is not as quick to forgive and move on as we are. As far as Therapists, I know a couple of Therapist/Counselors and they are just as messed up as everyone else is. One of the popular Marriage Counseling teams here was a Husband and Wife Team. They even had a Live Radio Show. They Divorced.

4. Not showing appreciation for thing he does right. – What is he? A pet that needs to be given a treat for doing something right?

5. Withholding sex as punishment.- I have Papers on that thing. It’s Registered in My Name.

6. Trying to change him.- If you want to change him, why did you marry him in the first place.

7. Making important decisions without his input.- Why would this even be on the list. What kind of a Husband (or Wife) would make or allow the other to make important decisions without input?

8. Not giving him the chance to be the kind of dad he wants to be.- (SEE #2)

9. Acting jealous when he looks at other women.- Marriage 101, NEVER “Grade The Meat” in the presence of your wife! Not only is it disrespectful to her, it can be Fatal for you.

10. Expecting immediate forgiveness after you apologize- There is no such thing. You just File it away for ammunition for another day. (See #1)

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Thanks for your take, I was rolling with laughter with some of them.

4. Not showing appreciation for thing he does right. – What is he? A pet that needs to be given a treat for doing something right?
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LOL! True, but c'mon you know that a little positive feedback goes a long way. It is not meant as a behavioral training tool but rather an expression of appreciation.

5. Withholding sex as punishment.- I have Papers on that thing. It’s Registered in My Name.
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ROFL!!!

6. Trying to change him.- If you want to change him, why did you marry him in the first place.
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Excellent point. I think it is the biggest issue with women who are unhappy in their marriage. They had convinced themselves that hubby was a certain way because they wanted those qualities in a hub. Maybe they knew and figured they could change him. Not saying men don't do it but I think it comes from women more--it is part of the Mommy complex.
Not good for a relationship.

7. Making important decisions without his input.- Why would this even be on the list. What kind of a Husband (or Wife) would make or allow the other to make important decisions without input?
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LOTS!

9. Acting jealous when he looks at other women.- Marriage 101, NEVER “Grade The Meat” in the presence of your wife! Not only is it disrespectful to her, it can be Fatal for you.
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LOL. I am so not jealous. Lots of faults, that one had never occurred to me. On the other hand I would never consider being with a slime bag who would be eyeing/drooling over strange women.
That was fun!
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"4. Not showing appreciation for thing he does right. – What is he? A pet that needs to be given a treat for doing something right?
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LOL! True, but c'mon you know that a little positive feedback goes a long way. It is not meant as a behavioral training tool but rather an expression of appreciation."  
That goes both ways and in some cases (not mine) it is behavioral training... I cook, clean, do laundry, mow the yard and there's little mention of "appreciation" and I really don't expect it, because it's all part of life....... BUT - let it not get done and all hell breaks loose, or he'll empty the dishwasher one day when I'm not feeling well and it's like he cleaned/sanitized the whole house, top to bottom, in one fell swoop and wants praise for the next 2 weeks.......  Yep, hubby used to do this, but doesn't anymore - well, he still wants praise, sometimes, for things he should be helping with anyway.... but "thank you for emptying the dishwasher" now suffices.  lol

"6. Trying to change him.- If you want to change him, why did you marry him in the first place."  Totally agree..... of course, it's really  hard to "know" someone without living with them, but if he's a slob and you're a clean freak, plan on trouble, because 30 years down the road, he's probably still going to be a slob and if you aren't putting his undies in the hamper, you'll be picking up his beer cans (no this isn't a problem for me, but know some for whom it IS a problem)

"7. Making important decisions without his input.- Why would this even be on the list. What kind of a Husband (or Wife) would make or allow the other to make important decisions without input?"  What about him making important decisions without her input?  Probably happens more often because he thinks he's "head honcho".

Of course, "grading the meat" (love that term) in the presence of one's wife is never cool, but that, too can go both ways. Should be "NEVER grade the meat in the presence of one's *spouse*".  It's disrespectful, no matter which spouse is doing it and I've seen it coming from both sides.

"On the other hand I would never consider being with a slime bag who would be eyeing/drooling over strange women."  I think someone (probably El) mentioned a while back about "eye candy"....  works for both sexes.

Yeah, fun...... I'm glad I'm too old to worry about most of this stuff........ lol
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I'm glad I'm too old to worry about most of this stuff........
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Me too!

You sound like an amazing partner/wife. Hope he realizes how extremely lucky he is.
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"You sound like an amazing partner/wife."  Thanks, but nope; I make mistakes just like everyone else; it's just that we wouldn't have stayed married for 46 years if we didn't learn, early on, that all of these things work both ways.  Whatever consideration he wants/needs/expects from me, he, also has to be willing to provide - we both need respect and support, equally.  A one sided relationship, where one person does all the "giving" just doesn't work, because the person doing the giving will eventually end up with tons of resentment.

"Hope he realizes how extremely lucky he is."  Probably; he knows there are plenty of times when no one else would put up with him; AND *I* know there are times nobody, but him, would put up with me, too.  LOL

RGlass put it so well:  "There are times when I wake up and just watch my wife sleeping and she looks like an Angel and the next morning I may way (sic) up and think “Crap, the ***** is still Breathing”. I know there are times my wife Worships the Ground I Walk on and times that the only thing that prevents her from killing me is because she watched one to (sic) many episodes of CSI. That’s what a relationship is. You suck it up through the Good Times and the Bad."
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We’re Old School and I feel sorry for this Generation because they expect a “Micro Oven Relationship”. They have no clue about what it takes to make it for the “ Long Haul”. Like Teko said.” I do, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health till death do us part.

The ONLY thing wrong with relationships is the fantasy outlook of what a relationship actually means. More people need to study the vows before they take them and decide if they are truly committed beforehand.”
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*How* did this thread get to the top of the page???? lol
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It looks like MH had a glitch. It happens sometimes.
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