Am I paranoid?

[PaleAle]

So Saturday morning I stumbled on a question on the Internet where a man had discovered his wife was pregnant with another mans child. It was all so shocking and disturbing that j had to read on and on and went through the entire thread of over 60 posts.

Then I started doing some more searches and came across this article in the NY Times. http://mobile.nytimes.com/2009/11/22/magazine/22Paternity-t.html?referrer=

I kept searching and searching for more and more information and found this is a whole lot more prevalent than I had ever thought.

It got my mind racing and thinking what if this could have happened to me?

Now I have been married for over 7 years and our child is 3 years old. I have absolutely no reason to doubt my wives fidelity or the paternity of our child. Still after reading everything I did I just couldn't help but feel like I had to do a test to be sure.

This morning without anyone else's knowledge I purchased an identigene kit. First I did my own strips an got them ready then I picked out child up early today from preschool and did hers in the car. I overnighted the kit back to them so I can get the results this week online.

Am I just being stupid and paranoid? Was it wrong to do the test with my wife's knowledge? Again I have no reason to doubt she has my eye color skin color everything. And I have never had a reason to doubt my wife whatsoever.

Has this happened to anyone else? Did I totally just waste $150? Is there anything else I should do besides just wait? Part of me is worried but it just seems totally irrational. Guess I will find out soon enough.

[PreguntonaPensativa]

Hair in braids*

[PreguntonaPensativa]

I personally if I was a man I would do the test!!! Its better now than never. I know many females who cheat on their husbands even some of those are ladies that wear skirts to their ankles and put their haor on braids like pipi longstocking...oohhh they cant break a glass. Anyways...I had doubts about who the father of my fetus/unborn chils was and even though I kinda felt like my bf WAS the dad I wanted him to also know he was for a fact the dad. I would never want to lie to the man I supposedly love or more to my child. However, in infedelity situations women do not want to lose what they have and rather live with a lie and its far too common so as I said if I was a man I would do it and have np shame! Good luck :)

[AnnieBrooke]

By "it sounds like legitimately," I meant it sounds like she has a legitimate reason to be hurt, not that you had a legitimate reason to do the test.

To draw a comparison, let's say your wife had found a story online saying that someone's husband had regularly told her he was going to the grocery store and she later found out he had been off having sex with someone else in a longtime affair, a story your wife found "shocking and disturbing."  She read all 60 comments, didn't talk it over with you, looked for similar things in the newspaper.  And after that, when you came home from the usual run to get groceries, she strapped you to a lie detector to test whether you had really been at the grocery store.  It wouldn't matter to you whether she had found stories online that said some husbands do this; you are her husband and those stories are about someone else.  Right?

Except it is even a deeper insult to intimate to your wife that you question paternity when by your own admission neither she nor anything about the situation (including the baby's appearance) has given you reason to doubt.  You're in essence saying to her, "I feel like it is possible that you cheated on me, you lied, you covered up for the whole pregnancy, you have continued to lie to me for all the years the child is alive, I am not connected enough to you or the child to overcome this story I read online."  A pretty huge slap.

This is why I strongly suggest that if you have not told your wife that you did this, bury it deep and forget you ever did.  If she finds out, all you can do is tell her that you were made temporarily crazy by the other situation (which I assume she knows about) and lost your balance entirely about everything in your life.  She still has the right to be furious, so this is not your best card to play.  You're better off just trying to get some mental clarity and get balanced again and to mark this down as an aberration.

[AnnieBrooke]

It happens.  If my husband has had a great day at work, he pats the dog when he comes in the door at night.  If he has had a problem (especially if important expected income has been postponed), he walks in and scolds that the dog has left footprints on the floor.  He's sort of aware he does this, but I would sure find life easier if he were very aware of it and able to put it into perspective and keep the stress limited to the thing that is actually making him stressed.

My suggestion is, 1) never let your wife know you did this.  She will feel so wronged that you did, and it sounds like legitimately.  And, 2) keep this in mind about yourself -- that it's likely if you're having a rough go in one area of your life, it colors other areas of your life in unrealistic ways.  That second item might be helpful to you sometime in the future when you're letting a bad thing affect your attitude about the good things in your life.

[PaleAle]

Well I have certainly been betrayed in some very serious matters recently which had nothing to do with my family. So maybe I a projecting those insecurities on this situation.

[AnnieBrooke]

If you trust "the statistics" more than you trust your wife, about whom you said "I have no reason to doubt," it suggests that you are not relaxing in the happiness of your marriage, for whatever reason.  It sounds like getting a positive on the test will not end your capacity to mistrust.  Be prepared for it to come up again in a situation in which you irrationally fear you might be taken advantage of.  I just hope it is not aimed at your wife or your parental responsibilities next time.

[PaleAle]

To your last point I don't think it's that simple. You can be 99% sure of something but when it comes to something this serious I guess I felt that it was worth it to eliminate any doubt.

The statistics are pretty scary even if it only happens 2-4% of the time.

[PaleAle]

I used what appears to be most popular brand on the market. Their labs are accredited. Naturally if the test showed I was not the father I would do another test, one which is admissible in court.

I did not get my wife's sample to send in. The kit said it was suggested but not nessisary. Beyond that if I took her sample without her knowledge that would probably be illegal.

[AnnieBrooke]

If you get the unlooked-for ruling that your DNA is not present, test again before you believe the worst, at a DNA lab certified by the courts to determine paternity, and test with you, the baby and your wife.  She deserves to know that you distrust her this much or that you are this paranoid about being taken advantage of by her, so she can understand where she stands in the marriage.  

You asked if it was wrong to do the test.  If you had no reason to doubt your wife, doing it indicates that you were more ready to believe an article in the paper than you were to believe in her and your relationship.  

[AnnieBrooke]

Well, good luck.  Some DNA testing companies are more reliable than others, so if you do get an unexpected finding, don't freak out.  How did you get your wife's sample to send in?