Aa
Confused
I slept with a girl on Jan 18. She was with her ex on Jan 3. On Feb 10 she says she is 4 weeks pregnant. She says she has been to doctor and the did a quad test which read 4000. She says it is my baby and the doctor told her "No way in hell it was her ex's" Would this all sound right. It just doesn't make sense to me. She is talking marriage and moving in, so I think she is just pinning this on me. Her ex says she sleeps around. Would 4 weeks put it on conceiving the 18th?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi, Crapple, from your story, I assume her doctor did a blood draw, came up with an hCG reading of 4000, and dated the pregnancy from that information alone. It does not sound like she has had an ultrasound yet (which would make sense because it would be too early to see a baby on an ultrasound if she is in her 4th week.) This is not enough for you to know whether you are the dad. But you are not OUT of the running, since you had sex on the 18th. If you two had unprotected sex on January 18, your sperm could live five or six days in her system. Meaning, anywhere from January 18 through 23 would be a possible day of conception from your sex on the 18th. And doctors use a count that begins two weeks before conception, because they base all counts of pregnancy on when the woman's prior period began. If the doctor told her the count --(this is important, a doctor's count does NOT start on the assumed day of conception) -- anyway, if the doctor told her the count, it is quite possible that his "4 weeks" means the baby could be yours. If you had sex on January 18 and it produced a pregnancy, she could have been anywhere from 4 weeks 5 days along to 5 weeks 2 days along (counted the medical way) from the sex with you, on February 10..
HCG counts are a very inaccurate way to assess how far along a pregnancy is, unfortunately. They can vary within the same day. And the range is very wide, they will say something like a reading of 50 to 5000 means a certain week pregnant. This is not enough certain for her to be talking about moving in and all. She needs an ultrasound in her 6th or her 7th week of pregnancy. (Again this means since her first day of her last period, not since presumed conception. Get used to it, pregnancy is counted that way.) And it would be better if you went with her.
What you need at this point is for her to book an ultrasound from a good ob-gyn (not the ER please!!!). She should go in what seems to be her 6th or 7th week (counted from day 1 of bleeding of her last period). If she goes later, there is a margin for error for determining paternity that gets larger with time, and if she goes too early, the doctor can't see anything. (Like if she had an ultrasound in her 4th week, all they would be able to see is a thickening of the uterine wall.) Do whatever you can, including offering to pay out of pocket for her ultrasound, to get her in to a reputable ob-gyn and get her a scan in that time window. The tech will measure the embryo and tell her from its size and other developmental markers what her estimated due date is. Make sure to be there when the tech says this, and if the tech doesn't say, ask. Take that estimated due date and plug it into a conception calculator (available online) or just count back on a calendar 266 days, and that will give you an estimated date of conception. Then you can see if you're in the range. (Frankly, it sounds like you are, or at least that what you know up to now does not rule you out. So be careful of the words you say, you might end up having to swallow them in the end. She will remember.)
Of course her ex is going to say she sleeps around, that is exactly the kind of petty thing an ex will say. What you need to ask yourself is how much you personally trust her without the assistance of her ex's opinions. This is because, if the ultrasound shows the time frame to be right for you as the dad, you have to decide if you think she was sleeping with anyone else close to the same time. The ultrasound will tell the time frame but won't tell who the dad is, you have to decide where you stand (without the ex's character assassination factored in) about her truthfulness. You owe her that much, she was good enough for you to sleep with, right? So do some thinking, get your science straight, and make a plan to find out what you can from the doctor in the right time window.
Regarding you getting what you feel like is the bum's rush for her to move in, be a couple and a family, etc., well, do it if you love her, but don't otherwise. It is hard to raise a child, and if the couple has no connection it will only be harder. If this is your baby, the obligations you have are to your child. You'll have a legal obligation to pay child support, and a moral obligation to be the dad to the child. You will also have the practical obligation to stay civil with the child's mother. But you don't have any obligation to marry her if you don't love her. In other words, man up to your responsibilities to your child if the baby proves to be yours, but even the fact of a baby's existence is not enough to base a marriage on.
Anyway, get her in to a good ob-gyn for an ultrasound in a couple of weeks, not any later. Be ready for the "weeks" count to sound wrong to you, remember that it is not based on when the baby began but when her last period began. If the tech says "You're 7 weeks 'along,'" that means 5 weeks since conception. You should be able to figure things out from there, or write in and we can run the estimated due date through a calculator.
Good luck.
HCG counts are a very inaccurate way to assess how far along a pregnancy is, unfortunately. They can vary within the same day. And the range is very wide, they will say something like a reading of 50 to 5000 means a certain week pregnant. This is not enough certain for her to be talking about moving in and all. She needs an ultrasound in her 6th or her 7th week of pregnancy. (Again this means since her first day of her last period, not since presumed conception. Get used to it, pregnancy is counted that way.) And it would be better if you went with her.
What you need at this point is for her to book an ultrasound from a good ob-gyn (not the ER please!!!). She should go in what seems to be her 6th or 7th week (counted from day 1 of bleeding of her last period). If she goes later, there is a margin for error for determining paternity that gets larger with time, and if she goes too early, the doctor can't see anything. (Like if she had an ultrasound in her 4th week, all they would be able to see is a thickening of the uterine wall.) Do whatever you can, including offering to pay out of pocket for her ultrasound, to get her in to a reputable ob-gyn and get her a scan in that time window. The tech will measure the embryo and tell her from its size and other developmental markers what her estimated due date is. Make sure to be there when the tech says this, and if the tech doesn't say, ask. Take that estimated due date and plug it into a conception calculator (available online) or just count back on a calendar 266 days, and that will give you an estimated date of conception. Then you can see if you're in the range. (Frankly, it sounds like you are, or at least that what you know up to now does not rule you out. So be careful of the words you say, you might end up having to swallow them in the end. She will remember.)
Of course her ex is going to say she sleeps around, that is exactly the kind of petty thing an ex will say. What you need to ask yourself is how much you personally trust her without the assistance of her ex's opinions. This is because, if the ultrasound shows the time frame to be right for you as the dad, you have to decide if you think she was sleeping with anyone else close to the same time. The ultrasound will tell the time frame but won't tell who the dad is, you have to decide where you stand (without the ex's character assassination factored in) about her truthfulness. You owe her that much, she was good enough for you to sleep with, right? So do some thinking, get your science straight, and make a plan to find out what you can from the doctor in the right time window.
Regarding you getting what you feel like is the bum's rush for her to move in, be a couple and a family, etc., well, do it if you love her, but don't otherwise. It is hard to raise a child, and if the couple has no connection it will only be harder. If this is your baby, the obligations you have are to your child. You'll have a legal obligation to pay child support, and a moral obligation to be the dad to the child. You will also have the practical obligation to stay civil with the child's mother. But you don't have any obligation to marry her if you don't love her. In other words, man up to your responsibilities to your child if the baby proves to be yours, but even the fact of a baby's existence is not enough to base a marriage on.
Anyway, get her in to a good ob-gyn for an ultrasound in a couple of weeks, not any later. Be ready for the "weeks" count to sound wrong to you, remember that it is not based on when the baby began but when her last period began. If the tech says "You're 7 weeks 'along,'" that means 5 weeks since conception. You should be able to figure things out from there, or write in and we can run the estimated due date through a calculator.
Good luck.
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