Aa
Does this sound like she's legitimately pregnant?
Hey y'all, I have a question about a pretty sticky situation... I'm not looking for remorse, or a pity party, I'm just asking for feedback...
Here's what happened, about 2 months ago, after a concert a girl whom of which I have an awfully bad past relationship with, insisted that I come over to her house... You get it. We screwed. She was on the pill, I trusted my pullout game and her honesty--- since she had a BOYFRIEND, I didn't really sweat it... 13 days go by and I get a phone call... She says she's pregnant.
I'm freaking out, unlike nothing before, and she just hits me with the most psychotic reasonings to why she won't abort etc.... Here's what gets me.. She goes to her obgyn, and sends me a very limited view of paper work. She tells me that blood is drawn etc etc, but it states "patient took two pregnancy test at home-says positive---procedure, proscribe prenatal and monitor"... NO FACTS at all, just arbitrary here say that the doctor logged....
Then, weeks go by and she opts for a paternity test, I agree.. Being that prenatal ones are $1500.00 upfront, she must of thought I'd say no. I agreed and ordered the test. She then text me saying that she doesn't really know how far along she is, but follows with a completely detail lacking image of a ultra sound that doesn't have any details....
IM SO CONFUSED MAN. She says stupid **** like, my boyfriend loves me-- you can just sign paper work and hand the baby over... It's just a huge cluster ****. What's your insight guys? Btw she lives 2 hours away.
Here's what happened, about 2 months ago, after a concert a girl whom of which I have an awfully bad past relationship with, insisted that I come over to her house... You get it. We screwed. She was on the pill, I trusted my pullout game and her honesty--- since she had a BOYFRIEND, I didn't really sweat it... 13 days go by and I get a phone call... She says she's pregnant.
I'm freaking out, unlike nothing before, and she just hits me with the most psychotic reasonings to why she won't abort etc.... Here's what gets me.. She goes to her obgyn, and sends me a very limited view of paper work. She tells me that blood is drawn etc etc, but it states "patient took two pregnancy test at home-says positive---procedure, proscribe prenatal and monitor"... NO FACTS at all, just arbitrary here say that the doctor logged....
Then, weeks go by and she opts for a paternity test, I agree.. Being that prenatal ones are $1500.00 upfront, she must of thought I'd say no. I agreed and ordered the test. She then text me saying that she doesn't really know how far along she is, but follows with a completely detail lacking image of a ultra sound that doesn't have any details....
IM SO CONFUSED MAN. She says stupid **** like, my boyfriend loves me-- you can just sign paper work and hand the baby over... It's just a huge cluster ****. What's your insight guys? Btw she lives 2 hours away.
COMMUNITY LEADER
4ever, from everything Lumber has described, it's an open question whether she is faking her assertion that she is pregnant at all, or that he is the dad. But getting a positive on a home test on day 13 after sex (if that is really what happened) doesn't rule him out. I myself got a positive on day 11 on a home test when I was pregnant. Some brands of home test are very sensitive, and it is no sweat for an early-results test to accurately detect pregnancy before a missed period.
Heads up. It would be UNLIKELY for a home pregnancy test to be positive only 13 days after sex. That's a little early. If pregnant, I suspect she was already pregnant when you had sex. You need a copy of her ultrasound REPORT and then you can compare dates - or sit down with an OBGYN provider to help you compre the dates on a gestational wheel or use an app- clearly you have the date of intercourse since it was right after the concert. All sounds like a BS story to me. If she was on the pill it is 98% effective plus you used withdrawal - which isn't 100% reliable, but it does have some effectiveness. So the chances of failed contraception are petty low. To avoid these situations in the future - keep some condoms handy and don't have sex with the crazy.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi, thanks for the compliment. I would also possibly suggest that either now or when you get to Texas, find yourself a counselor or therapist and talk it over. You won't need much help but a safe place to vent is nice to have. It's helpful to talk over something so frustrating. Shrinks, unlike friends, don't blab what you said.
Write back when you hear more.
ps -- You might also want to re-think your use of 'pulling out' -- not only does it do nothing to protect you from STDs, herpes and AIDS, but pre-ejaculatory fluid can contain sperm. Women get pregnant all the time using that so-called 'method.' As this little episode reminds, Mr. Condom is our friend.
Write back when you hear more.
ps -- You might also want to re-think your use of 'pulling out' -- not only does it do nothing to protect you from STDs, herpes and AIDS, but pre-ejaculatory fluid can contain sperm. Women get pregnant all the time using that so-called 'method.' As this little episode reminds, Mr. Condom is our friend.
Annie, I don't know you but damn if you aren't MY HERO. Regardless of the circumstances I appreciate your insight more than you can imagine. Keeping this type of thing capped up can reallllly take a toll on you emotionally, which leads to an all around decline in QOL. Im moving from the east coast to TX next month to start working for another agency... Hopefully everything pans out. Thanks again, Annie!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, if she is trying to hide this from her boyfriend, rumors won't appear unless *you* open your mouth. So keep it shut, don't tell your buddies or your parents or anything. Guys have problems with this one because it's juicy -- "Hey man, have you ever had to take a DNA test? Yeah, my crazy ex says I'm the dad but she is a lyin' wacko ..." is too salacious for most men to keep under their hats. But though it is a titillating drama-king moment for you, it is life and death for her. She will be the one to try to keep a lid on it and will be frightened of you going around and giving her a bad name and also making it impossible for the baby to grow up with nobody whispering. So, Lesson One: do not chat about this to ANYONE local, except maybe your lawyer and your shrink, if you respect the baby's right to grow up without a besmirched name. You're not doing this for her, you're doing this to begin to do your duty by the child -- even if it is not your child, no child deserves some guy laying the groundwork for its birth with a pathway of scandal.
If she is not trying to hide this from her boyfriend, it is slightly possible that some minor word might get around. But all that will get around is that he could be the dad or you could be the dad, and that a DNA test will be done. This (in today's world where people have sex) is not going to be astonishing to anyone if you don't act all cringing and freaky about it. There is nothing for you to do except to act mature and rational, and to accept that when the time comes, a DNA test will show what is what. And of course, if the baby is yours you will either step up in terms of child support and fatherly duties, or will consider signing adoption papers if her boyfriend really wants to be the dad. (This last seems a bit surprising to me, I think perhaps the woman was asking you to sign with her without him knowing, so the secret would hold, but maybe not. Some guys don't mind raising someone else's kid if they really love their partner.)
Anyway, look, pull up your socks. This is not grandpa's world where he was lucky if a gal would let him get to second base, much less have all the free sex men have today. One consequence of the new world of sexual availability is that sometimes people have to get tested for STDs, and sometimes guys have to take DNA tests. Too bad the sex was unprotected but that is water under the bridge now. But from all you have said, my intuition tells me that she has changed her mind about how sure she is you are the dad, and that in time things will prove you are not. Maybe remembering that will help you maintain the mature posture you will need to walk through this if any rumors begin, just shrug and say you don't think the baby is yours but of course you will do a DNA test at the appropriate time. And stop acting so wiggly and freaky! lol
Take care, and write back any time,
Annie
If she is not trying to hide this from her boyfriend, it is slightly possible that some minor word might get around. But all that will get around is that he could be the dad or you could be the dad, and that a DNA test will be done. This (in today's world where people have sex) is not going to be astonishing to anyone if you don't act all cringing and freaky about it. There is nothing for you to do except to act mature and rational, and to accept that when the time comes, a DNA test will show what is what. And of course, if the baby is yours you will either step up in terms of child support and fatherly duties, or will consider signing adoption papers if her boyfriend really wants to be the dad. (This last seems a bit surprising to me, I think perhaps the woman was asking you to sign with her without him knowing, so the secret would hold, but maybe not. Some guys don't mind raising someone else's kid if they really love their partner.)
Anyway, look, pull up your socks. This is not grandpa's world where he was lucky if a gal would let him get to second base, much less have all the free sex men have today. One consequence of the new world of sexual availability is that sometimes people have to get tested for STDs, and sometimes guys have to take DNA tests. Too bad the sex was unprotected but that is water under the bridge now. But from all you have said, my intuition tells me that she has changed her mind about how sure she is you are the dad, and that in time things will prove you are not. Maybe remembering that will help you maintain the mature posture you will need to walk through this if any rumors begin, just shrug and say you don't think the baby is yours but of course you will do a DNA test at the appropriate time. And stop acting so wiggly and freaky! lol
Take care, and write back any time,
Annie
Thank you so much for the feedback. I am going to take your advice and have a more business approach to the situation as you suggested. The only this is this is constantly weighing on my mind, she doesn't communicate with me AT ALL. Id like more clarity, but I can't force anything on someone 2 hours away. She's supposedly going to see a nurse or something next week to "check" and see if prenatal is a good idea.
Last question. In terms of dealing with the rumors l, if they appear... Should I shrug it off? Or how do I respond?
Thanks again.
Last question. In terms of dealing with the rumors l, if they appear... Should I shrug it off? Or how do I respond?
Thanks again.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Don't worry about the post back versus comment thing, it all shows up. (This is a new format to all of us -- I think the "comment" function is for when someone wants to post an aside to something further back in the conversation, and the main answer box is to keep with the main conversation. You did fine.)
Anyway, let's see. When was the sex, and how far along in weeks does she say she is now? (Remember, a doctor's count in "weeks pregnant" begins two weeks before conception, but that is the count everyone uses so you may as well use it too.) Do you know what number of 'weeks pregnant' she is right now?
If a woman with a boyfriend (with whom she regularly has sex) impulsively sleeps with someone else and gets pregnant, it can take a while for her to figure things out. It takes a lot of work to learn the nomenclature and to determine how the doctors count gestational age and to compute in the long life of sperm in the woman's body and the timing of ovulation. She might not have been very sure (or might have been wrong) what was what when she called you 13 days after the sex with you. If, when she called to say she was pregnant, you immediately got into an argument about whether she should get an abortion, that was probably not so good of an idea on your part. If you could have calmly asked her how she was figuring this, you might still be talking rationally today and might have figured out that her original assumption was wrong. Maybe she thought you were the dad but was wrong; I guess it's possible she might have not thought you were the dad but wanted you to think it,;or she might just have been opening a conversation that got problematic too fast to backtrack. If you guys began arguing, the last thing she would want to do is go into how difficult it is to tell which of you is the dad and what she thought the doctor meant and other analysis, even if it would have helped to do so.
The question now is why she is saying you could just sign a document assigning any parental rights to her boyfriend. It almost sounds like she is now pretty sure her boyfriend *is* the dad, and she sees this as a face-saving way out, without having the embarrassment of doing a DNA test and getting a negative for you and having you assume she originally had been lying. If you think back, can you remember any indication that originally, on the day when she called to say she was pregnant, she might not have been all that sure, or might have just have gotten things wrong? If you guys' argument was rough enough, she might not want to admit that even now.
Regarding how you are approaching this: first of all, please understand that you don't have any legal right to "demand" she take a prenatal test. If a baby is born and someone thinks he is the dad, he can go to court for a test, but not prior to the birth. I'm also feeling like you care too much, when you say things like "she scalds me with negative comments...". If someone just had casual sex with someone else and she got pregnant, he wouldn't use the word "scalds," no matter what she happened to say. He just wouldn't care. He would just want to figure out the paternity question and move on. But you are confused about x and frustrated about y, indicating that you're giving her more power than necessary. You would do way better with her and in the situation if you could be more detached and businesslike.
Does her boyfriend know this happened? Possibly she is concerned that he will find out? If so, I don't see why you are worried about gossip. She has a very big incentive not to tell the story around.
If her boyfriend does know you might be a candidate and you really feel compelled to test before the baby is born (and she is willing), both men should test, not just you. Set it up with Ravgen or the DDC, and have the swabs handled through a reliable local lab. Don't do a home test, don't use an Internet cheapie. Swabbing both guys will avoid problems. I haven't heard of any lab with a great reputation that charges only $1,500, but prices might be changing.
But again, it's hard for me to see why you are so dead set on testing now. You can't force her, and it sounds like she is changing her mind about who is most likely to be the dad, and a DNA test only costs a tenth as much after the baby is born.
If you two were still calm enough for a reasonable phone call, ask her in a friendly and sympathetic way what the problem is, has she re-figured things and now feels the baby is her boyfriend's? If she says yes, then just sit on this and think about it a while. While it sounds like you don't want the baby to be from you, you also sound like if it is, you'll want the chance to be the dad. If so, your play is to talk to your lawyer about how to subpoena a paternity test after the baby comes.
Also, keep in mind, we hear on this site from women every single day who didn't know what the doctor's count of pregnancy meant, or took his telling them from a little wheel or calendar when their pregnancy began as gospel when it wasn't. Women misinterpret doctors' comments about how far along they are all the time. When you talk to her, keep open the possibility that this happened, and that she was really not out to get you. It might be your tone and not the situation that is setting her off.
Anyway, let's see. When was the sex, and how far along in weeks does she say she is now? (Remember, a doctor's count in "weeks pregnant" begins two weeks before conception, but that is the count everyone uses so you may as well use it too.) Do you know what number of 'weeks pregnant' she is right now?
If a woman with a boyfriend (with whom she regularly has sex) impulsively sleeps with someone else and gets pregnant, it can take a while for her to figure things out. It takes a lot of work to learn the nomenclature and to determine how the doctors count gestational age and to compute in the long life of sperm in the woman's body and the timing of ovulation. She might not have been very sure (or might have been wrong) what was what when she called you 13 days after the sex with you. If, when she called to say she was pregnant, you immediately got into an argument about whether she should get an abortion, that was probably not so good of an idea on your part. If you could have calmly asked her how she was figuring this, you might still be talking rationally today and might have figured out that her original assumption was wrong. Maybe she thought you were the dad but was wrong; I guess it's possible she might have not thought you were the dad but wanted you to think it,;or she might just have been opening a conversation that got problematic too fast to backtrack. If you guys began arguing, the last thing she would want to do is go into how difficult it is to tell which of you is the dad and what she thought the doctor meant and other analysis, even if it would have helped to do so.
The question now is why she is saying you could just sign a document assigning any parental rights to her boyfriend. It almost sounds like she is now pretty sure her boyfriend *is* the dad, and she sees this as a face-saving way out, without having the embarrassment of doing a DNA test and getting a negative for you and having you assume she originally had been lying. If you think back, can you remember any indication that originally, on the day when she called to say she was pregnant, she might not have been all that sure, or might have just have gotten things wrong? If you guys' argument was rough enough, she might not want to admit that even now.
Regarding how you are approaching this: first of all, please understand that you don't have any legal right to "demand" she take a prenatal test. If a baby is born and someone thinks he is the dad, he can go to court for a test, but not prior to the birth. I'm also feeling like you care too much, when you say things like "she scalds me with negative comments...". If someone just had casual sex with someone else and she got pregnant, he wouldn't use the word "scalds," no matter what she happened to say. He just wouldn't care. He would just want to figure out the paternity question and move on. But you are confused about x and frustrated about y, indicating that you're giving her more power than necessary. You would do way better with her and in the situation if you could be more detached and businesslike.
Does her boyfriend know this happened? Possibly she is concerned that he will find out? If so, I don't see why you are worried about gossip. She has a very big incentive not to tell the story around.
If her boyfriend does know you might be a candidate and you really feel compelled to test before the baby is born (and she is willing), both men should test, not just you. Set it up with Ravgen or the DDC, and have the swabs handled through a reliable local lab. Don't do a home test, don't use an Internet cheapie. Swabbing both guys will avoid problems. I haven't heard of any lab with a great reputation that charges only $1,500, but prices might be changing.
But again, it's hard for me to see why you are so dead set on testing now. You can't force her, and it sounds like she is changing her mind about who is most likely to be the dad, and a DNA test only costs a tenth as much after the baby is born.
If you two were still calm enough for a reasonable phone call, ask her in a friendly and sympathetic way what the problem is, has she re-figured things and now feels the baby is her boyfriend's? If she says yes, then just sit on this and think about it a while. While it sounds like you don't want the baby to be from you, you also sound like if it is, you'll want the chance to be the dad. If so, your play is to talk to your lawyer about how to subpoena a paternity test after the baby comes.
Also, keep in mind, we hear on this site from women every single day who didn't know what the doctor's count of pregnancy meant, or took his telling them from a little wheel or calendar when their pregnancy began as gospel when it wasn't. Women misinterpret doctors' comments about how far along they are all the time. When you talk to her, keep open the possibility that this happened, and that she was really not out to get you. It might be your tone and not the situation that is setting her off.
A part of me believes it to be true, but the fact that she remains with her boyfriend amongst this information she's given me leads me to believe that she is weary of who the father may be. Believe me, I'm 24 and a pretty upstanding member of my small community and this isn't something that I want AT ALL. But if it is mine, I want to ensure that mentally, financially and socially I am up to par with what I will be faved with.
One thing that confused me is that for her to be so convinced it's mine, when I told her that I already made the schedule with the DNA lab, she questioned the accuracy of the reading. It's 99.9 percent accurate...she claims then that they're faulty the scaulds me with negative comments about not trusting her etc.... It's a hard situation. And not something I want publicized. So, should I wait and play ignorant to rumors and risk looking foolish/trashy/making my parents have a stroke--or bite the bullet and demand that she takes this expensive test and take the steps needed after?
One thing that confused me is that for her to be so convinced it's mine, when I told her that I already made the schedule with the DNA lab, she questioned the accuracy of the reading. It's 99.9 percent accurate...she claims then that they're faulty the scaulds me with negative comments about not trusting her etc.... It's a hard situation. And not something I want publicized. So, should I wait and play ignorant to rumors and risk looking foolish/trashy/making my parents have a stroke--or bite the bullet and demand that she takes this expensive test and take the steps needed after?
1 Comments
Do NOT I repeat DO NOT sign the birth certificate until you do a DNA test.
COMMUNITY LEADER
In your shoes, Lumber, I would ask for legitimate paperwork from the doctor that shows she really is pregnant. It should include her name, medical ID, the GA (number of weeks and days "pregnant" -- but keep in mind that number will count back to the first day of her last period, not to conception), and her estimated due date. Don't necessarily tell her what you are looking for, or she might find a way to fake it, but do tell her you don't believe the paperwork she sent.
I assume your willingness to do a prenatal DNA test was a way of testing her, to see if she backed out? Because there is no harm in you waiting until the baby is born and then doing a DNA test, they are lots cheaper.
Do you think she is trying to hide from her boyfriend that you two had a sexual encounter, or do you think she is just trying to con you?
Don't forget when you see a number like "6 weeks 4 days" from a doctor, if it came from an ultrasound, you mentally subtract 2 weeks from that figure to get to the estimated conception date. A woman who had sex and got pregnant (on the same day -- remember that does not always happen either, she can get pregnant up to 5 or 6 days later from the sperm in her system) will always be given a number of weeks by her doctor that sounds two weeks too big. "6 weeks 4 days" gestational age means 4 weeks 4 days from conception.
Stop in at DNA/Paternity if you want more details. I'll ask MedHelp to shift your post over.
I assume your willingness to do a prenatal DNA test was a way of testing her, to see if she backed out? Because there is no harm in you waiting until the baby is born and then doing a DNA test, they are lots cheaper.
Do you think she is trying to hide from her boyfriend that you two had a sexual encounter, or do you think she is just trying to con you?
Don't forget when you see a number like "6 weeks 4 days" from a doctor, if it came from an ultrasound, you mentally subtract 2 weeks from that figure to get to the estimated conception date. A woman who had sex and got pregnant (on the same day -- remember that does not always happen either, she can get pregnant up to 5 or 6 days later from the sperm in her system) will always be given a number of weeks by her doctor that sounds two weeks too big. "6 weeks 4 days" gestational age means 4 weeks 4 days from conception.
Stop in at DNA/Paternity if you want more details. I'll ask MedHelp to shift your post over.
1 Comments
I responded in a post back and not a comment. Sorry in new!
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the DNA / Paternity Community
Get information and tips on how to help you choose the right place to deliver your baby.
Get the facts on how twins and multiples are formed and your chance of carrying more than one baby at a time.
Learn about the risks and benefits of circumcision.
What to expect during the first hours after delivery.
Learn about early screening and test options for your pregnancy.
Learn about testing and treatment for GBS bacterium.
