DNA / Paternity Community
Im learning everyday!!!
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This patient support community is for discussions relating to DNA/Paternity testing. The purpose of the community is for members to discuss information and share support with members who have questions about DNA / Paternity testing. Topics include when to test, types of tests, cost, reliability, confidentiality, legal issues, and results. All questions and comments posted in the patient to patient forums are provided by individual visitors who are NOT MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS.

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Im learning everyday!!!

thankyou to everyone that takes the time to respond. I'm in my 50s & my girlfriend informed me in Nov. she is pregnant. after two weeks of telling me she would get an abortion. she said she wasnt' comfortable doing that. I understood and would never expect her to do that. However, now she informs me that a Dr. she works with could be the the father. wow. i'm reeling. what are my rights and remifacations. are nonintrosive dna testings accurate?
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134578_tn?1404951303
In fact, I have a law degree.  The law can't take away the pain of her cheating, force her to have an abortion, get back at her because she hurt you and made you mad, or make the chance go away that you might be about to become a father.  I'm sorry.  (Possibly in a really extreme case, in which a man could prove beyond any doubt that the woman actively tricked him into thinking she was infertile with the express intent to become pregnant by him, he might find a sympathetic judge, but I haven't heard of any such cases.)  And besides, the child would still be the man's child, no matter how created.  You sound like the kind of guy who would do the right thing for his child, even if having one comes as a shock.

You complain about having "no say in anything."  Frankly, at this point there is not much "say" to be had, whether you are the dad, the mom, or not the dad.  Obviously you did have a say about the big thing, which was to have sex with the mom at an age when you can't pretend you didn't know about the birds and the bees.  And you have already made a choice about another, which is, you decided not to pressure her to have an abortion.  (The law wouldn't have been on your side there anyway.)  In fact, there are only two decisions anyone (you or her) has a say about at this point, one is the abortion decision which sounds like it is made, and the other is whether to go for blood tests before the baby is born.  So please don't hang yourself up in knots feeling like the world's only victim of circumstance, she may well have had a few moments feeling the same way herself, not to mention Dr. SideDish might be feeling a little victimized at the moment as well.

Although the pre-birth blood tests are obviously not seen as entirely reliable by the courts, if not knowing is going to totally racket you to pieces for months, and if the other guy would also be willing to take one, I might suggest you ask to do them, even if you have to pay for both (of you men) to take them.  (I would not take them if the other guy won't, however.  Wait until after the baby is born, and go to a certified lab.)    

Sometimes a father convinces the mother to put the baby up for adoption, which frees him of his legal connection to the child.  If this sounds like what you would like, don't do any exploration this direction (even in conversation with the mother) until you know for sure if it is your baby.  Some things are too theoretical to get angry about about in advance, and if she doesn't want this and the baby turns out to be yours, she will never forget that you suggested it.

My thoughts are, get blood tests if you want; if both of you men do them, there might be one clear answer.  If the baby is yours, have a good long talk with a family-law attorney in your state.  (These laws are state- specific.)  Find out your financial obligations, at minimum.  Then get your act together and have some long talks with the mother about how much you want to be in the child's life, if at all.  

Finally, I might say, some men become fathers in their 50s, and actually find it is the best thing that ever happened to them.  So please continue to be civil, any harsh words you say now you might have to eat later, and if you have a change of heart they will taste like blocks of cement.
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134578_tn?1404951303
Several Internet companies that have been around in the last decade offer blood tests prior to the birth of the baby.  None are approved by the courts for establishing paternity, though two of them have a better name than the others, and one of those two is presently going through the steps to get certified to be accepted by the courts.  Apparently the DNA tests that are done after the baby's birth are both more reliable and much less costly.  But if you want to go the pre-birth route, a little research and you can find the one that is best.  If you're going to go that route, the best thing would be for her to do a test with both of you guys, in hopes that the answer is really clear.

I have to say my hat is off to her for being honest with you about the situation.  A lot of women would try to hide it and figure it out by themselves.  She deserves all the consideration you can give her in the situation.  
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Avatar_m_tn
thank you for your kind words. & yes. I was really hurt & mad at first. but. as hard as it was to come clean. she did. still doesn't help the pain of cheating. people don't realize. that is the most damaging thing. even though i didn't want a baby at this point in my life. i definatley could live with that. sad thing is i'm now a pawn in how this all plays out. i feel like i have no say in anything at this point. any legal beagles out there???
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Avatar_m_tn
btw, annie. i have done much research on the subject. yes, they all quote 99. percent acurate. but, it cost allot of $$$$ to get the blood test. i'm very sure it's not mine... but,,, ya never know. i just told her. let's wait and get the test after birth. comon people. give me some imput. i'm on a lifeboat here!!!
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134578_tn?1404951303
In fact, I have a law degree.  The law can't take away the pain of her cheating, force her to have an abortion, get back at her because she hurt you and made you mad, or make the chance go away that you might be about to become a father.  I'm sorry.  (Possibly in a really extreme case, in which a man could prove beyond any doubt that the woman actively tricked him into thinking she was infertile with the express intent to become pregnant by him, he might find a sympathetic judge, but I haven't heard of any such cases.)  And besides, the child would still be the man's child, no matter how created.  You sound like the kind of guy who would do the right thing for his child, even if having one comes as a shock.

You complain about having "no say in anything."  Frankly, at this point there is not much "say" to be had, whether you are the dad, the mom, or not the dad.  Obviously you did have a say about the big thing, which was to have sex with the mom at an age when you can't pretend you didn't know about the birds and the bees.  And you have already made a choice about another, which is, you decided not to pressure her to have an abortion.  (The law wouldn't have been on your side there anyway.)  In fact, there are only two decisions anyone (you or her) has a say about at this point, one is the abortion decision which sounds like it is made, and the other is whether to go for blood tests before the baby is born.  So please don't hang yourself up in knots feeling like the world's only victim of circumstance, she may well have had a few moments feeling the same way herself, not to mention Dr. SideDish might be feeling a little victimized at the moment as well.

Although the pre-birth blood tests are obviously not seen as entirely reliable by the courts, if not knowing is going to totally racket you to pieces for months, and if the other guy would also be willing to take one, I might suggest you ask to do them, even if you have to pay for both (of you men) to take them.  (I would not take them if the other guy won't, however.  Wait until after the baby is born, and go to a certified lab.)    

Sometimes a father convinces the mother to put the baby up for adoption, which frees him of his legal connection to the child.  If this sounds like what you would like, don't do any exploration this direction (even in conversation with the mother) until you know for sure if it is your baby.  Some things are too theoretical to get angry about about in advance, and if she doesn't want this and the baby turns out to be yours, she will never forget that you suggested it.

My thoughts are, get blood tests if you want; if both of you men do them, there might be one clear answer.  If the baby is yours, have a good long talk with a family-law attorney in your state.  (These laws are state- specific.)  Find out your financial obligations, at minimum.  Then get your act together and have some long talks with the mother about how much you want to be in the child's life, if at all.  

Finally, I might say, some men become fathers in their 50s, and actually find it is the best thing that ever happened to them.  So please continue to be civil, any harsh words you say now you might have to eat later, and if you have a change of heart they will taste like blocks of cement.
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Avatar_m_tn
Thankyou again, for taking the time to give me your input. Your points are all valid & helpful. We aren't communacating very well at this point. So, i'm hopeing everything goes well for her & the baby. Guess i'm just gonna have to ride it out. Life's never boring. ;)
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134578_tn?1404951303
Ain't it the truth.  Take the DNA test when the baby is born, try to stay philoisophical until then.
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