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Paternity situation
Hello,

I'm in a rather unique situation me and this woman has a child about 7 weeks ago and I'm about to find out through a DNA test that I'm either the father or I'm not. I'm hoping and praying that the child is biologically mine as I'm 32 with no other children.  I've supported this woman the entire time since we find out she was pregnant. She has a 16 month old in which I've been around the entire time and consider her to be my daughter even though I know she isn't biologically but it does not matter as I love her just like my own child. I've had a long time to think about if the newborn isn't my child or not because I had questions from the jump.  I've made up my mind that I still would like to be apart of the child's life and be recognized as her father and her as my daughter. However, in the event that she isn't I'm very perplexed on how to handle the situation.

Do I...

1) Never say a word to mom and just take this news on the chin so to speak.

2) Do I just go missing in action (fall off face of the earth) and never speak to the mother again.

3) Do I try and talk to the mom face to face about me finding out the child isn't mine. (She isn't the most mentally stable person and I fear she will fly off the handle bars so to speak.

4) Do I write her a letter and explain my findings to her.

I know the decision is up to me however just trying to get people's opinions on the situation as it is so confusing.
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134578 tn?1483549754
Maybe #1, not #2, possibly #3 if you have counseling and talk about the situation while a counselor is in the room, not #4.

I take it from the way you talk about her that the mother is not officially your girlfriend or fiance and that you are more interested in being a dad to these kids than you are in her as a partner?  If that is a correct assessment, and if she understands that, then if the DNA test turns up negative, just tell her you would like to be in the children's lives, and define in what way you would like to be around.  An uncle?  A friend? A dad who doesn't live with the family?

If you would like to marry the mom, then it is a more serious matter if the test comes out negative, since you would then have to deal with apparent infidelity.  (Or were you not in an exclusive relationship?)  If you are trying to have a long-term relationship with the mother but also have the complicating factor of thinking she is unstable, if you find out you are not the biological dad you do need to deal with the overhanging suspicion that she has had a child with someone else's DNA and has implied it is yours to you and accepted your support all through the pregnancy.  For this, you should probably seek relationship counseling together.  It would also help with the fact that you characterize her as unstable.

But what do you really want in terms of a relationship with the mom?  I'm not really hearing you say you want her, just to be a dad.  Sticking with a woman for her kids is not really a bad thing, since the kids benefit.  It just shortchanges you in the future when you meet someone you really love, and shortchanges her also.
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I do want a relationship with this woman regardless of the results.  I know it may sound crazy but I'm willing to forgive her and try and understand why she chose to lie about this. I believe she truly doesn't know who the Dad is and was scared that I would leave her if she was upfront with me from the jump.

When we found she was prego we were only in a relationship for a short period of time (5-6 months)

I say that she is unstable because she has bi-polar disorder and has had several traumatic things happen to her in her life. (Rape, post traumatic stress disorder from several bad experiences with men)

I'm going to find out tomorrow at 6 pm and I'm really just trying to think of the best way to handle the situation as it is going to be gut wrenching painful if the child isn't mine. I'm thinking it's best to not react right away even though I know that I will want to.
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134578 tn?1483549754
See if you can talk to a counselor, a minister, a wise uncle, or someone, before you get the results.  I'd go for a therapist or social worker.  It wouldn't do to unload on the mother if things don't turn out as expected.

How is it that you will find out at 6 pm?  That is an odd time of day to learn such a thing from a lab.
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134578 tn?1483549754
Did you ever get test results?  Do you think the test was reliable?
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came back 0% chance shes mine : (
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134578 tn?1483549754
Well, then, my friend, it's time for you to decide what *you* want out of the situation.  To act as the dad?  To act as a loving member of the family who does not claim to be the dad?  To get out of there?  It rather sounds like you are wanting to be involved with a woman who you don't think is very stable, is that really what you want long-term?  (Because if you are going to be an active part of the children's life, you had better plan on long term for their sake as they develop ideas that will stick with them for their whole life about how reliable love is.)  

Definitely definitely talk to a good counselor, and work out some plans.  You really need to talk to someone else (not the mother) to work through your feelings first of all, and also to develop a plan and just get a clearheaded approach to the upcoming discussion with her.

It isn't who makes 'em, it's who takes 'em, as the saying goes.  But you have to feel that way.  Raising kids is work, pure and simple, and you have to love them enough to not care.

Good luck to you.

Annie
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Thanks Annie I appreciate your kind words and support.

I want to be involved with her and the kids however, I cannot bite my tongue and live a lie. She either comes clean with it or not. If not then I'm gone and I'm going to move on with my life. If she wants to come clean which I highly doubt as she the results prove to me she is a liar and manipulator.

I'll leave it up to her on what she wants to do however I'm tired of being Mr. Nice guy and being taken advantage of by this woman.
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134578 tn?1483549754
I hope you used a reliable testing company and not one of those Internet cheapie labs that only tests 8 pairs of chromosomes.  Those are pretty harsh words to throw around unless you are sure you are right.

Good luck to you with your decision-making.  Be SURE you are right before you say things to her that you might have to un-say.  And see a counselor first.
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Ya well I've also found two different convo's between her and another guy clearly indicating that he is the father.
I'm going to believe my gut, the DNA test and the convos between her and the other guy.

After the baby was born she was sending pictures of "my baby" to this man and asking him if he is going to step up and be apart of her life and if he is going to sign paper work. So yeah **** that *****
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134578 tn?1483549754
So, what do you intend to do in terms of how you will say things and whether or not you will simply leave?  I'd aim for dignified, if you can possibly manage it.  And I wouldn't wait long, since the 16-month-old won't remember you if you go soon but she will remember and miss you if you wait and leave later.

My suggestion is a clean start somewhere else, even a new city if you can swing it.  Do you have any legal entanglements with the woman, such as a signed lease?  Because if you did leave and she stopped paying, it's on your credit record.

In my world, I would simply pack and go, unless of course there is that least thing keeping you.  Even if there were, I would go talk to the landlord.  I wouldn't mention her leverage over you in this regard to her, but would tell the landlord in his private ear to notify you if she stops paying.  (If you're on the lease together and you leave and she stops paying, you would have to keep paying until the term of the lease is up just to keep your credit rating from going down the crapper, but it would be worth it.)  

Since you are a single guy, presumably you can simply walk away.  I just would do it with no drama.
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134578 tn?1483549754
"lease" thing not least thing
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