Please help me

[Ann123Ann]

I have seen similar posts on this website before and wanted some advice on my situation. Please help me.

I slept with two people very close together when conceiving my second child - one my partner and the other a one off which I completely regret and stopped two minutes into. There was no ejaculation with this man but I am aware of pre ejaculation.

I was aware there was a possibility either could be the father so I had a prenatal DNA test done with the other man. Just to totally prove he wasn't father and so I could continue the pregnancy. The test came back negative.

It was never my intention to not find this out and just pass off baby as my partners.

As soon as the baby arrived he didn't look right. Nothing like my first child and as he is growing up (1year now) he looks nothing like my partner. So much so people make comments that he doesn't look like my partner, looks different to my first born etc. I have also had another dna test done since child born with other man - this once again came back negative.

I am starting to worry the tests are wrong. That the man is a chimera with 2 sets of DNA. The child looks so much like him and he is sooo different to my husband in every way. They are both white and have two eyes etc that is about as similar as they are. I do not understand why my children look so different and nothing like anyone in my husbands family and why this baby looks like the man I had ruled out with a dna test. Even my doctor has said if he is negative it must be my partners - I have been referred for therapy as I am hitting rock bottom.

What the DNA tells me and what my eyes see does not match - it is driving me insane. Plus everyone can see what I can see - the child looks nothing like partner and nothing like sibling.

Telling my partner about my mistake is not an option. He would never forgive me. I am so scared I will lose my children if he ever does find out what I have done.

I have never tested my partners dna - I am so sure if I did I would get a negative and I swear on my children there is no one else.

Do I just carry on? What do I say to people when they make comments?

Is it even possible to pass a child off as someone else's? They look sooooo different.

I do not want to break up my family unit. I live in fear every day. It consumes me. I want to carry on and make up for my mistake but I feel like it's impossible with my child 'giving me away'.

I can't believe I am in this situation - my poor husband and children. They don't deserve this. I've ruined everyone's lives

[AnnieBrooke]

I did say, compare photograph to photograph.  Don't  compare a baby photo (or you or your partner) to a live baby, it just doesn't work the same way.  Get a same-age set and look at them.

[AnnieBrooke]

We don't assume every woman is lying, we assume a lot of people use cheap drugstore tests or cheapie Internet labs that don't test a lot of markers (if you're talking about prenatal testing).  There are a lot of unreliable DNA tests, you need to go to the most reputable lab.  If you are saying that Ravgen or the DDC ruled out your boyfriend, I would believe them.  But if you are saying someone else did, I would not.  

It does no good to dramatize and catastrophize before you know.  Test with your partner and at least you will know what you face.  

[Ann123Ann]

By coincidence I have had to go in the attic today for something. My partner was with me and we looked at this baby photos.

I can honestly say that my child looks absolutely nothing like him as a baby. My first born looks very similar to him - in so many ways.

I guess the next step is some more DNA testing. But to what good I do not know.

I am in this situation pretty deep. I had a test done prenatally it gave me a result which meant I assumed my partner the father and 100%  NOT the other person. I have embedded this child into my family and my partners life. He loves her very much - but if he knew the truth he would never want her or me near him again.

If the tests don't come back in his favour. What do I do? Every time I am with him I am plagued with guilt. I just want to tell him what I've done. He is my friend, my closest person in the world. And this is tearing me apart.

Dna is not 100% every single time. I have read about woman that have both men with negative paternity results. It's rare but it does happen. Do we assume every woman is lying or there is a 3rd man involved? Or perhaps the men weren't honest with their sampling.

Every baby I have seen in recent times I can see the mum or dad or at least a family resemblance. Mine none at all - and I know children look different.

I'm aware how crazy I sound. Thing is I think I would know by sight if baby was my partners. Gut instinct. An obvious similarity. I can see the other father so much in this baby - and the two men are like chalk and cheese. I knew this baby was 'wrong' as soon as I had given birth.

My beautiful first born. My love of my life. I will never forgive myself for what I have done to her future and family. And my second child - who I struggle to bond with everyday. I am so sorry.

[AnnieBrooke]

See a counselor, test with your husband.  As I said, I guess you didn't read it, some of the labs will tell you a way to swab the edge of a drinking glass that your husband has drunk from, if you are genuinely too terrified to tell him that a test is needed.

In the meantime, would you do something?  Get some baby pictures of your husband, and baby pictures of your baby at the same age.  (Newborn to newborn, 6 months to 6 months.)  You might be surprised that the baby does look a lot like your husband at that age.  My husband looks nothing like his baby pictures, you would never be able to tell in a hundred years that it's the same guy, and yet my son's baby pix match my husband's so much that you would think it is the same baby.  Maybe this will help.

[Ann123Ann]

Thank you for replying to me.

I just do not understand why he looks so much like the man tested if he is not the father? It is confusing me so much.

I honestly don't know how to pull myself out of this hole and my behaviour is getting worse and worse. I imagined my life with my two kids, that looked alike - like me and husbands- snd I don't have that.

I don't understand why everyone can't see my husband in child. It's the first thing they say. Why can't I just accept what I have been told?

The thing is no one else knows I've done a test or slept with anyone else so they just see a different looking child. I feel as though I need to shout - it's ok I cheated but he def not the father.

I know I sound insane. I just don't know what to do to get my head round this.

[AnnieBrooke]

Sorry about the typos, writing fast.  The main point is, this is all in your head.  You've gotten not one but two DNA tests.  The sex was fleeting.  He didn't ejaculate.  You've boxed yourself into a corner by imagining the world will come to an end if you tell your husband that a DNA test is needed.  You won't test him surrepetitiously because you have freaked yourself out that he won't be the dad.  You imagine the other guy is a chimera. (!)  That's just going too far.

Please solve your problem by testing with your husband.  And please, please get some counseling.  I am certain your weird reactions when people comment on who the baby looks like will set off the people who know you best, and someone will figure out that you have doubts.  Get moving, the rest of your life is yours to save or ruin, and right now you are ruining it.

[AnnieBrooke]

If you want to put the DNA part of the question to rest, I believe it is possible to swab a drinking glass that your husband has used, please check this with a reliable DNA lab and find out the details.  This way, you can test and finally put the right man into the test.

I also agree with special that you should see a therapist.  I am thinking of Poe's "The Telltale Heart." Your guilty conscience and secret-keeping are pushing you to freak out more than merited by the situation even if the baby were not your husband's, and certainly more than merited by a situation where the baby has been shown by DNA (by elimination) that the baby is your husband's.  Talk to the therapist about the worst-case scenario that you are fantasizing exists -- what would happen if the baby was not your husband's (which, frankly, with two DNA tests in hand, can't be).  You need to realistically face down your catastrophized fantasy world that the baby is not from him by realizing that evev if so, life would go on positively).  Then  do the test.  Then, deal with the guilt (which is really what is killing you here), and atone for your silence by making your husband the happiest daddy in the world.

[specialmom]

Sweetie,  my second child doesn't look like me OR my husband.  You've done two DNA tests.  Those are highly accurate!!  Trust that and don't ruin your life over guilt about what happened.  Move on and never mention this again.  Allow your partner to father this child without your wondering hanging over your head and his like a cloud.  

Are you depressed do you think?  The way you've written this makes me think this could be a possibility.  You've taken DNA tests----  but are choosing to still doubt.  I would recommend counseling and doing your very best to keep what is going on inside to yourself for the sake of your family.  I think you aren't thinking rationally at this point and need some professional help.  good luck