Reassurance

[Jdrama22]

My boyfriend and I briefly broke up last October and ended up sleeping with someone who is now pregnant and has previously claimed the child is his. He swears he wore a condom and that they only slept together the one time the evening of October 14th. She notified him December 4, 2014 that she was approx. 10 weeks 4 days pregnant and that it is his. My boyfriend grew suspicious as the dates didn't add up to when they were together after he started doing online research. By January 9, 2015 she had what she says was her first ultrasound and that she was 15 weeks, 5 days and due June 28, 2015. Again, not adding up. He questioned her to the point that she admitted she wasn't sure who the father was and that there are two other possible candidates. He has not heard from her since late Feb when she was sent him a threatening text saying she was going to take him for as much money as she could and calling him names.   My boyfriend has since seen her around town with one of the other "candidates"

He plans to summons her for a court ordered paternity test to make sure it isn't his. What I want to know is, how reliable/accurate are 15 week ultrasounds at dating a pregnancy? Her behavior alone makes me think she knows hes not the father but was trying to pull a fast one, but looking for reassurance. My own OBGYN said that conception would have likely been around Oct 5, 10 days before my bf was even with her.

If her ultrasound said she was 15w5d which puts her 10 days off from when my bf was with her, they wouldn't change her due date unless it was more than 7 days off from her LMP so it is likely consistent with her OBs other findings which suggests it likely isn't from sex as late as Oct 14/15, right?

[AnnieBrooke]

* by going "what if they kept a conventional 40-week due date?," you really can't.

[AnnieBrooke]

As I pointed out when you first wrote in, you didn't have a reliable first piece of data since the earliest ultrasound was too late to be able to pinpoint conception as the margin for error was over a week by then.  You certainly have no way to know now what someone's ob-gyn was basing things on 25 weeks ago.  All you can do is see if the date of the sex (given that your boyfriend's memory of that date is correct) correlates with when the baby was born.  My calculator says that for sex on the 14th of October, the baby should have been born on July 6 or 7.  It's time for him to do the DNA test.  Please stop thinking you can figure any more out by going what if they kept a conventional 40-week due date, you really can't.  He should get the test and then the two of you should move on from there based on what it says.

[Jdrama22]

Just realized something. Unsure if her due date was determined by Lmp or the ultrasound. Realized that maybe the ultrasound didn't differ from her dates by more than two weeks so they kept the conventional 40 week due date from lmp. Totally unsure if the 15w5 days is what the ultrasound actually showed....not sure if that made any sense

[AnnieBrooke]

If I recall your earlier posts, they didn't give her an estimate until it was really too late to be accurate.  I would not put much credence on the idea that she was 42 weeks.

Anyway, not long now until you know.

[Jdrama22]

His biggest fear is that after they had sex, she disposed of condom and waned to go again. So she went down on him for awhile. He then tried having sex with her again but couldn't perform so they stopped. He's nervousthat any left over ejaculate could've gotten her pregnant- but I'm wondering if the oral sex helped to eliminate that too. The Drs estimated her due date at june 28. I'm unsure if she was induced bc she was almost 42 weeks or maybe they simply got her due date wrong.

[AnnieBrooke]

Use the lab certified by the courts and do everything by the book, with neutral third parties handling the samples.  My calculator says that for sex on the 14th of October, the baby should have been born on July 6 or 7, and that is late but not entirely too late to be somewhat plausible.  I'll cross my fingers that the condom did its job.  If not, and if the baby is your boyfriend's, I'll hope this turns out to be a good thing and not the relationship destroyer you have been fearing.  Remember, he has to have a relationship with his child.  This does not mean he will get into a relationship with the child's mother.  Good luck, write back.  :)

[Jdrama22]

Found out this morning that baby was born sometimes between Friday afternoon and last night. She was served with papers and agreed to paternity testing without a court order. The woman who served her said that she still maintains that the baby is my bf's. And we should know by Wednesday :-/

[AnnieBrooke]

In short, don't worry.  Even if the so-called worst happens, what that means for your relationship is totally in your control.  It also sounds like you don't have a lot to worry about.  Deep breaths.

[AnnieBrooke]

My best advice is handle what comes only if it comes.  What would possibly be the point of freaking out in advance?  It might not be even close to coming true and there you are shrieking and freaking for nothing -- how embarrassing is that?

Seriously, if you care about the relationship, stop stressing over this, stop reading scholarly journals, stop brooding, stop reading up on confidence intervals -- they don't tell you what you need to know.  It wastes energy almost undoubtedly for nothing (unless you like the guilt-and-shame leverage over your bf).  

If a DNA test from an official lab were to show the baby to be his, which has never sounded that likely, even then it won't "alter our future" as you put it UNLESS YOU WANT IT TO.  If so, only if you see a positive test do you even have to decide how to handle it.  Not today.

[Jdrama22]

Well I just thought I'd give an update- and maybe you could tell me what u think. According to the due date we were told (June 28) she would be 42 weeks today and still no baby. She has been seen and is still pregnant. Not sure if I should be freaking out or not. Unsure if they got her due date wrong, they changed it (even though she didn't get a due date until 16 weeks) or that she lied about it. If she conceived the night she was with my be her due date would have been 5 days ago. All the research I've done from scholarly journals says that ultrasounds prior to 20 weeks gestation have a 95% confidence interval of 7-8 days and after 20 weeks more like 10-14 days. I'm confused bc her date actually lined up with the other info we were given
First appt dec 4- dr told her in tenth week almost 11 weeks
Ultrasound jan 9- said 15w5d due date june 28
Anatomy scan first week of Feb- boy.
I don't know if Drs would let her get to 42 weeks.....so confused and starting to worry. She admitted there were several other men that she slept with. Bf says used a condom and she threw it away in bathroom and wanted to go for 'round two" but he couldn't perform. Worried that his lapse of judgement is going to alter our future

[AnnieBrooke]

Given that it sounds off, I don't think I would let myself be drawn in.  You've already wasted 6 months, don't waste any more.  If she calls, he should say only one thing (in a bored voice), "When the time comes, my lawyer and yours can arrange the DNA test."  That is really all there is to say.  He has no business being present at the birth, given the situation.  Please stop spinning assumptions about what the doctor is or is not doing and what it means if she has not been in contact.  All it will do is up-end your lives (which may be what she was trying to do).

The only thing he needs to be certain about is that whatever lab does the DNA test is one certified by the family courts in your jurisdiction to determine paternity.  No drugstore tests.  It needs to be a place where neutral third parties check everyone's ID and handle the samples properly.

Take care.

[Jdrama22]

Thanks for the response. Im trying to remain positive bc as you said, this whole situation seems wonky. I have a little bit of anxiety regarding it, bc I would like to think if she hasn't had any contact in this long, that she probably wouldn't contact him to be present for the birth? Or even after the baby is born.....just want to be able to move past all this, has been the longest 6 months of our lives

[AnnieBrooke]

It would be nice if she had an earlier ultrasound than the 15th week.  Some doctors will tell you that even as early as the 12th week, an ultrasound used for purposes of dating a pegnancy has a margin for error of +/- 7 days, and they get less accurate as the pregnancy progresses.

Your boyfriend is doing the right thing to get a DNA test done.  In the meantime, he should save all threatening emails (or send copies to his lawyer) and document what she has told him when.

You said "they wouldn't change her due date unless it was more than 7 days off from her LMP."  I don't know if all doctors use that policy.

All he can really do is test when the time comes, and pretty much not to communicate with her and to stay dignified if she contacts him.  He should be reassured by how wonky this all sounds.