Aa
should I lie to the biological father to keep a happy home.
So I just gave birth to my newborn baby a month ago and recently confessed to my spouse whom I have a child with already that the newborn may not be his child. A while back we we're broken up and I hooked up with someone else which I think may be the biological father. I took a dna test with the guy I hooked up with and the baby since my spouse is in jail right now. My spouse is aware that I took the DNA test which he wasn't happy that I did that for the simple fact that he didn't want me to do the DNA he was going to just put it all in the past and claim the baby as his, but it was too late I already did the dna test. Now the results came back and my spouse is not the biological father the guy I hooked up with is, btw the guy wants to know if the child is his so that he can take responsibility. But my spouse wants me to keep the results to myself and to tell the guy the baby is not his and just have everyone believe that my spouse is the father regardless of what the results say, he has it in his head that the baby is his and he doesn't even want to know if the baby isn't his, he wants me to keep the information to myself. My problem is I don't think I can live with a big secret like that, yes it will make my life easier because our family and friends all think that's his child and I feel it would break his family heart to find out the baby really isn't his, but then again it doesn't feel right to lie to the biological father that the baby isn't his so that I can keep a happy home. I don't know what to do anyone has some good advice please???
The fact that the hook up guy wants to take responsibility for his baby, speaks volumes about his character. Did he help to pay for , or pay for the DNA test as well ? i think he deserves to know his baby, and the baby deserves to know him (probably) it sounds like he might be a stand up guy.
Remember, you've "broken" up with your man to step out on him when you did, and he's in jail. That's what we know of your situation.
This hook up guy, might be from a great family that will help to put your child through college and have so much to offer. Don't take that possibility out the mix for your child. This could be your child's ace in the hole.
Remember, you've "broken" up with your man to step out on him when you did, and he's in jail. That's what we know of your situation.
This hook up guy, might be from a great family that will help to put your child through college and have so much to offer. Don't take that possibility out the mix for your child. This could be your child's ace in the hole.
I think you need to find out more about the hook up, or tell me more about the hookup for me to give informed advice to you.
Since the father was a hook up, it might be that he has no interest in this child, and would be happy to get out of paying for support, by allowing your spouse to act as father.
On the other hand, if this is a good guy, a hard worker, has kept himself out of prison, has kept a job, is respected in the community and within his family of origin, i don't think morally, that you have a right to keep him from his child or his child from him.
What kind of character does the hook up have ? Does he have a criminal record or has he a college education and a good job ? Is he married or in a relationship? Does he come from a good loving family? Was he raised with spirituality and is he respectful of the women in his life? Was he raised with religion? Has he attended church? Is he excited about his job and is he looking into moving forward in his profession.?
If you have a real quality gentlemen that got you pregnant, and he is from a great family that would adore your child, i think you owe it to your child to allow them to gain the benefits of their father's side of the family.
The fact, is that your spouse has a child with you, and is in jail. That shows a lack of good parenting. If he wants another child, then he can get out of jail and hopefully stay out of jail and have another child. i think in one of these posts you said your spouse in jail would rather not know the results of the test, and i think that is , at least in part , due to the fact that he knows deep down he will feel differently about this child that is not his biologically.
This child deserves any advantage he/she can get from his birth father. The fact is that when he leaves this earth, he will know, if not sooner, and there will always be a sense of loss that his own mother was not to be trusted with the most vital information in the beginning of his life. What if your jail spouse does not ever make good ? and you end up having to leave him, or he dies,? or any number of other things, including your newborn needing his birth fathers health information or maybe a kidney to save his life? Then it will all come out and you will look like a bad mother.
Right now, if you matter of fact deal with this, that you became pregnant while on a break with your husband, then you have done nothing wrong. The child will have a father and a step father (there can never be too much of the right kind of love).
I think you should tell us everything you know about this hook up. If you don't know much, you can meet up with him and ask all of the above questions, and tell him that you haven't got the test back yet, but would like to know more about him before you do.
Since the father was a hook up, it might be that he has no interest in this child, and would be happy to get out of paying for support, by allowing your spouse to act as father.
On the other hand, if this is a good guy, a hard worker, has kept himself out of prison, has kept a job, is respected in the community and within his family of origin, i don't think morally, that you have a right to keep him from his child or his child from him.
What kind of character does the hook up have ? Does he have a criminal record or has he a college education and a good job ? Is he married or in a relationship? Does he come from a good loving family? Was he raised with spirituality and is he respectful of the women in his life? Was he raised with religion? Has he attended church? Is he excited about his job and is he looking into moving forward in his profession.?
If you have a real quality gentlemen that got you pregnant, and he is from a great family that would adore your child, i think you owe it to your child to allow them to gain the benefits of their father's side of the family.
The fact, is that your spouse has a child with you, and is in jail. That shows a lack of good parenting. If he wants another child, then he can get out of jail and hopefully stay out of jail and have another child. i think in one of these posts you said your spouse in jail would rather not know the results of the test, and i think that is , at least in part , due to the fact that he knows deep down he will feel differently about this child that is not his biologically.
This child deserves any advantage he/she can get from his birth father. The fact is that when he leaves this earth, he will know, if not sooner, and there will always be a sense of loss that his own mother was not to be trusted with the most vital information in the beginning of his life. What if your jail spouse does not ever make good ? and you end up having to leave him, or he dies,? or any number of other things, including your newborn needing his birth fathers health information or maybe a kidney to save his life? Then it will all come out and you will look like a bad mother.
Right now, if you matter of fact deal with this, that you became pregnant while on a break with your husband, then you have done nothing wrong. The child will have a father and a step father (there can never be too much of the right kind of love).
I think you should tell us everything you know about this hook up. If you don't know much, you can meet up with him and ask all of the above questions, and tell him that you haven't got the test back yet, but would like to know more about him before you do.
COMMUNITY LEADER
In short, #1 above is taken care of, then. So you move to #2.
Your title says you want to "keep a happy home" by living this lie. It's hard to understand saying "keep" a happy home -- given your spouse is in jail, it's got to be not a happy home right now. Or are you saying that you think that by hiding this truth, you will *create* a happy home? Hmm. That is very difficult, because to me, that is a big lie to have to hide for a whole long time; the rest of your life and for your child's lifetime. And secrets like this are very hard to keep. The other guy might say something in years to come, would you be able to convince your child that you didn't know?
Your title says you want to "keep a happy home" by living this lie. It's hard to understand saying "keep" a happy home -- given your spouse is in jail, it's got to be not a happy home right now. Or are you saying that you think that by hiding this truth, you will *create* a happy home? Hmm. That is very difficult, because to me, that is a big lie to have to hide for a whole long time; the rest of your life and for your child's lifetime. And secrets like this are very hard to keep. The other guy might say something in years to come, would you be able to convince your child that you didn't know?
I tested with DDC they said that the guy is not excluded to be the alleged father and the probability of the test was 99.9996%. Most family courts do tests with DDC I bought the kit from Walgreens had both the guy and the baby take 4 swabs in different envelopes and was sent to the lab by mail and within two weeks I got an email and mail of the results.
COMMUNITY LEADER
... Also, if you don't know how to ask the other guy to test again, it is not uncommon for a test lab to come back and say they need to do a re-test because they didn't get enough genetic material the first time. If you didn't want to reveal to the guy with whom you tested that you got an answer, you could use that as your cover story and test again. (Of course, you would have to pay for the second test.) In your shoes, I would test again with a totally different lab, preferably one approved by the family courts for determining paternity.
COMMUNITY LEADER
1. Are your facts straight -- checked and re-checked?
Do you know that the lab you used has a good reputation? (In other words, are you totally certain of the results? Drugstore tests don't have a good reputation for accuracy.) Before you do anything, be sure the other guy really is the dad.
2. Is a lie really going to protect your marriage and your future?
Do you think your marriage is going to last? (Separately from the question of paternity of the baby?) After your husband is out of jail, does he intend a different life that will keep him out of jail? Will you together be able to give the baby a better life than you could if the new guy was taking responsibility for the baby?
3. What the law says
If you two are legally married (you keep saying "my spouse" instead of "my husband," I assume this is not meant to be a way of saying you are just living together) -- anyway, if you are legally married, the baby is assumed by the law to be the child of your husband. The only way this can be refuted is if the other guy proves in court that he is the father. Would the other guy go to that extreme?
4. What is moral
In your shoes, I would never consider lying to the guy if you are convinced he is the father. (This does not mean I would be convinced on only one test. I would do two DNA tests before anything else, especially if the first one was just a drugstore test.) Lying can come around and hurt everyone -- you, the two men, and the child. What would the child think of you as a mother if later in life he or she learned you had lied from day one about who his father was?
I would consider, if you really think your marriage is going to be successful from now on out when your husband gets out of jail, is giving your husband the option of raising the child with the acknowledgement that the child is not his biological child, and that would be something you would not necessarily hide from his family (depending on how judgmental they are) and it would definitely not be something you would hide from the other guy.
Do you know that the lab you used has a good reputation? (In other words, are you totally certain of the results? Drugstore tests don't have a good reputation for accuracy.) Before you do anything, be sure the other guy really is the dad.
2. Is a lie really going to protect your marriage and your future?
Do you think your marriage is going to last? (Separately from the question of paternity of the baby?) After your husband is out of jail, does he intend a different life that will keep him out of jail? Will you together be able to give the baby a better life than you could if the new guy was taking responsibility for the baby?
3. What the law says
If you two are legally married (you keep saying "my spouse" instead of "my husband," I assume this is not meant to be a way of saying you are just living together) -- anyway, if you are legally married, the baby is assumed by the law to be the child of your husband. The only way this can be refuted is if the other guy proves in court that he is the father. Would the other guy go to that extreme?
4. What is moral
In your shoes, I would never consider lying to the guy if you are convinced he is the father. (This does not mean I would be convinced on only one test. I would do two DNA tests before anything else, especially if the first one was just a drugstore test.) Lying can come around and hurt everyone -- you, the two men, and the child. What would the child think of you as a mother if later in life he or she learned you had lied from day one about who his father was?
I would consider, if you really think your marriage is going to be successful from now on out when your husband gets out of jail, is giving your husband the option of raising the child with the acknowledgement that the child is not his biological child, and that would be something you would not necessarily hide from his family (depending on how judgmental they are) and it would definitely not be something you would hide from the other guy.
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