Abnormal Grief and Fear of Loved ones Death

My Grandmother who I was very close to passed away in 1981. It took me 7 years to visit her grave and when I saw it I broke down a cried for an hour. I can't go back yet. Everytime I think of her I start crying no matter where I am, I need her so much.
I fear this grief will never end.  This has never let up since
her death. I have seen 2 psychologists for short periods, but it has not helped.
Now I have becomed disabled and am unable to work and have to constantly see doctors. I have an appt with a psychiatrist in Jan, but it seem that it has intensified the need for my grandmother twofold. I could tell her anything, she was very smart and help my Aunt through a nervous breakdown. The doctors at that time wanted her to work with mental patients, she was that smart.  I have a best friend and I have been talking to her, but I am driving her crazy as she has her own family and job and has been doing above and beyond for me already.
I have VHL and have already been operated to remove 3 tumors in my brain twice, and there is one on my optic nerve causing me to be blind in one eye and another in my ear where I am deaf ( I was a musician.) There are several in my spine so I have to walk with a walker. I go to NIH every week.
Lastly I cannot handle the upcoming death of some of my relatives that are getting old. I have 3 Aunts in their late 70's and 80's and my Mother 75 who I am more than scared everytime the phone rings. I don't know what to do about it.
I cry all the time and I am crying writing this letter. I stay in my room all day, I don't want to eat or do anything. Yet I can't drive and want to bust out of this prison I have created.
This makes no sense.  Thank you for any advice, I can't handle this much longer.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

There is not too much to say, you are in a tough medical situation yourself, and that sensitizes you to life in a way that few others can really understand.  Each potential loss of family members compounds your own vulnerability, and all the abandonment pain that started with your grandmother.  That is your reality, and you can't do anything to change it.

What you can do is rebuild whatever part of your life that is still intact.  Judging by the age of your mother, you are a person in his or her 50's...you have plenty of life to live, so you have to build on it....staying in your room won't do it.  good luck...find the strength, you are the one who has to make something out of this situation.

When you see the psychiatrist, ask him or her to give you a boost with a short course of antidepressants, but don't rely on them to fix it, just to help get you going again.

[indysmom]

Hi,
I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties you are facing in your grief. I, too, have had a hard year after losing my father last March, (2 days after my b-day).
I don't think there is a wrong way to deal with grief. We all process the loss differently, although with common factors. Please keep in mind there is a positive time ahead and moving forward is healing. You can move forward in many ways.
I took a sociology class specific to death, dying and the bereavment process. Through the class discussions and homework, each person works through the moment and the pain of their losses. It was great. Maybe this could be a possibility for you. I continue to grieve, but have new tools to help me with the day to day moments of sadness.
I hope for you, comfort and peace of mind in the new year.
Sincerely, indysmom.

[adelaide]

This is far beyond grief; this is severe depression.  When people are depressed, they focus much more on what they had that comforted them than what there is to look forward to.  When you are severely depressed, you feel as though there is little to nothing to look forward to; as though you were unable to escape from a dark, smothering cloud.  You said that your aunt had a "nervous breakdown" and from what you said, I suspect that you used to share painful feelings with your grandmother.  Mention both of those facts to the Psychiatrist; what do you mean by a "breakdown" of your aunt?  As severe and unrelenting as your depression is, ask you physician to consider bipolar disorder, and openly discuss tendencies of family members.  The depression that accompanies bipolar disorder is extremely intense!   The medical problems you describe certainly would contribute, but I would bet that mood disorders run in the family.  There is a reason that your grandmother was told that she would work well with "mental patients."  She had some experience along the way.  There were experiences in her own life that enabled her to understand emotional pain.  What would you ask her if she were here?  And, what would she say to you in return?  What would she advise you to do?  Take time to ask her, sit quietly, listen with your head and heart, and see what comes to mind.  Please keep us posted, and be sure to follow through with the Psychiatrist!  And, don't underestimate the connection between the mind and the body.

[adelaide]

I've been thinking about you since I last posted; one more thing I want to say to you.  Please don't think of yourself as a "a mental patient."  You are a whole person who is hurting and who has the right to feel better.  Adelaide

[downstairs mary]

you are crying for yourself, for anger, for loss of love and health. I think that if you found a local grief group- as in- through a Hospice, they may accept you into the group and you will gain comfort and understanding. You cannot change facts, but you can change feelings !