Am I mentally ill or just feeling sorry for myself?

About 5 years ago I had a wacky thought towards someone. I looked at this women I knew and thought " What an ugly women!"
It was the thought, not the women, that was ugly; For some reason this one negative thought seemed to lead to others and a snowball effect occurred. Now I have nothing but ugly negative thoughts toward seemingly everyone. It leads to neverending misery. I never have peace and don't enjoy doing anything anymore including, watching tv, going to the movies and listening to music.. I feel like I can be manipulative. These thoughts have branched out to include pedafilic thoughts and what I believe are sometimes homosexual thoughts. Though I am neither homosexual nor a pedafile, I can't seem to help  having these thoughts.They feel intrusive even though I know it is me having them. Sometimes just the fear of having them is what brings them on. For example, I may fear at the urinal that I'm going to have a homosexual thought if someone stands next to me, then I become terribly anxious and overwrought with thoughts that I'm not even aware of. I have been to a psychiatrist for years and recently began counseling with someone new. (My old counselor and I just reached a plateau. Being that I am a male and my old counselor was a female I didn't feel comfortable sharing some of these thoughts.) My relationships feel superficial and I always have a plastic smile on my face. I've come to isolate more and more because I'm afraid of the thoughts I'll have around other people(I fear being a jerk) and as you could imagine this affects my self esteem terribly. I once was vivacious and enjoyed many things.  Now I feel like I'm the most terrible person on the planet and don't understand what I've done to deserve a life of such continuing suffering. Thought stopping techniques haven't worked nor can I seem to just think "happy thoughts". Has anyone else ever lost control of their thought to this degree?More importantly can you offer any insight or hope? How Do I regain control of my mind? I've been on almost every medication I can think of, but they don't offer any relief. I've been doing CBT for years and that hasn't seemed to work. Often I feel heavy as lead and just getting up out of bed can be exhausting. Ive been accused of being self absorbed and feeling sorry for myself. It's amazing I barely function at all. (I work full time and go to school.) I can't even enjoy a leisurly stroll down my neighborhood,or go to the gym without angst. When I pull up to a car while driving I have horrible thoughts and someimes have to pull short of fully pulling up to them. I am willing to pay for that special online therapy in addition to seeing my regular counselor if you think this would help. Thank You for taking the time to read this. I know there's alot to digest and probably more then one question, but I'm desperate. I'm often suiciadal. (It's probably the fear of going to hell that's kept me alive this long.)
Sincerely,
DND

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

This kind of obsession is hard to treat, but it is treatable.  Usually medications are necessary, so you and your psychiatrist should look for one that will work for you.  Don't give up on that.

Being with a new therapist you can talk to without having to withhold is the right move for you, but  be sure and try to get "underneath" these symptoms, don't just spend you time reciting them.  See when they exactly come, and they actually keep you from relating to people..because that is the problem that these symptoms are probably defending against...concentrate on that as an issue to explore, you trust or mistrust.

[pacopaco]

Hi. First of all I would like to share my upmost sympathy for you. You are going through hell and you do not deserve it. Those thoughts are probably compulsive effects of having been so troubled for so long. You mention you have been on all sorts of medications, perhaps you should list them. Get some therapy help, quick.I have one other advice which is lean on God. I myself was in hell and He helped me. It takes guts and trust but He is dying to help. Let go, let God. Good luck, my prayers are with you. Dont give up.

[Try_to_be_social]

I would be most grateful if you would tell us more about your CBT lasting for years.

Kindest regards.

[gnosis]

I had exactly the same thing when i was a kid, i used to spend all my time thinking about not thinking things, it did eventually go away but i don't really know why. I do still have unwelcome thoughts but they are no where like as debillitating. You are not alone, loads of people go through this. I think they call it obsessive compulsive disorder.

[Try_to_be_social]

A genetic mutation or even a second mutation was found to cause OCD. Please refer to:

http://english.aljazeera.net/NR/exeres/09544DA4-EF2C-46CF-81A4-8966D6782FD7.htm

[dnd]

First of all, thank you all for your feedback and support.
To answer your questions I have been on haldol, resperidal, paxil, prozac, just to name a few. I'm currently on effexor and abilifi. I've been on medication for as long as I've had these symptoms and have been doing CBT for about that long as well. I'm just so negative it's debilitating. That seems to be the crux of my problem. I do pray to God every day, but he is unwilling or unable to help. (I believe the first) As a sidenote I experienced a mild form of obsessive compulsive disorder as an adolescent, but most of those symtoms (symptoms) subsided. I thought some of the sypmtoms of OCD to be staring at ceiling tiles and counting them or excessive hand washing,(all of which I did) I didn't realize being chronically negative qualified. One thing I found intersting was when researching unwanted thoughts I discovered some in this forum to suffer from unwanted negative thougths toward their family, something I could relate to.
DND

[Affeelin]

Hi DND

I can understand what you are going thru almost completely. I have been thru the same. I am doing much better now. I have not taken any medication though. My problems started with me thinking that I was very special because I was doing really well at school .. the most brilliant student. I could do things better than students 4 years older than me. May be I was indeed special, but I didn't discuss that with people. Slowly things started becoming too ugly. I had always stayed at home, and wouldn't socialize with friends. I wouldn't feel like that too, because what they talk about seemed too easy and uninteresting for me. But the real problem was that I didn't have social skills. I never had the opportunity to explore them or the examples to learn from. So over the years it turned out that I wouldn't meet anyone, I wouldn't have the motivation to meet anyone. I wouldn't do anything that is considered normal by others. It is either too silly or bad for me. So I am totally alienated. I wouldn't do the things that I want to do too. I also found myself incapable of doing things because of the barriers that I imposed on myself. Apart from that my parents won't ask me to do any work at home or anywhere. So I have all the free time in the world to think my own wierd ideas. I gave myself in to thinking that living with people is not worth it.

When I reached the age of 17 years, I had difficulty thinking. I because too self-conscious. When I walk along the road I think like ... what should I think now .. about the stones around ... what are the people thinking about me .. I was conscious of my eye balls moving too. That was very very severe.

It is very difficult in that stage to think properly. You lose belief in yourself. Things that people can do so easily, things that people can think are so obvious aren't easy for you. You think about what confidence is, how you can do what you want to do ... how do you make decisions ... It's just not working for you. I remember how much I tried to forget about such thoughts, but that will make it only worse.

But believe me, you are capable of doing things that you can never imagine doing by thinking. You need to empower yourself with the feeling of confidence and a feeling that you can control yourself. There are several attitudinal changes you need to make. Firstly, there is nothing wrong or right. There is nothing bad or good. The first and foremost is the execution of your self, a confidence in yourself. That is the most important thing for anybody. It's like survival is more important than your profession. So you need to do things that you really enjoy. Make them your hobbies. Just enjoy doing it. Talk to your friends or your counsellor about it. You will start feeling better about yourself.

When you keep thinking that someone or something has to be like this or that, and when you also start feeling strong hatred for that, you are tuning yourself into a narrower world. You are creating restrictions for yourself. Gradually, you will find yourself not in control of yourself. You are being what you thought you should be. So the cure is for you to let go of all those restrictions.

Over the time, you will discover that it is not about what is good and what is bad, or how people think about you or what the world is all about, but it is you. It is what your knowledge of what life is, the knowledge of your feelings and your strengths and weaknesses. Then it is how you think you will lead your life. What will you choose to do. That's when you start doing things that emphasise your individuality and your self. That's when things start rolling. This is some insight I have acquired after suffering from this problem for over 10 years. Though it looks like there is no cure for this and you are not going to be better, you can get out of this.

Rajesh

[alwaysafraid]

I too wonder if iam just feeling sorry for myself. I was diagonised with Bipolar Disorder when I was 15 years old. I question this diagnosis. I was physically and emotionally abused as a child. I can remember when I was in Kindergarten feeling as if I was different. I would have panic attacks before school, once I would arrive there however the panic subsided. I would sit next to the teacher at playground time and not interact with other children. When I did have friends I would only have one friend at a time, always getting mad at one and turning to another.
My father was loud and cruel, he started physically abusing me when I was 4. My mother would tell him to stop, but she never stepped in to make him. Later he did this to my brother also. My mother would comfort us afterwards. But everytime I or my brother would do sometime wrong she would break her neck to tell my Dad, knowing he would beat us.
She and my father divorced when I was 12. My mother had constant mood swings. For example she would buy me a dress that she really could not afford and then she would blame me for it. At 12 years old she took me to a shrink and had me placed on Prozac 80mg a day. She would tell me I could tell her anything, and I would. One example was she told me that if I was ever going to do drugs, smoke, or have sex to tell her. One day I asked her if I could get an appointment to be placed on the pill. She asked why and I told her that I had been messing around with my boyfriend. She called my Dad as quick as she could to tell him what I was doing, later that night they put me in a mental hospital. I was diagonsied with Bipolar disorder then. My mother started drawing SSI on me shortly after that. Not only was she drawing it on me but also on my 3 year old brother and herself.
She states that my Dad is crazy and that I am just like him and he states that she is the crazy one and that I am just like her.
They both deny that they themselves have a problem.
Back to me I have noticed charteristics in my personality of both of them. I have my fathers anger, hate, rage,and I tell everything I know on myself (life story). I have my mothers whining, crying fits, and tendincy to blame others for my problems. I am also very gulible. I will take everyone elses opinion. I cannot stand to be alone and I will question everyones motives. I want to work but I have been told by my mother, father, and ex-husband that I would not be able to hold down a job. I ask questions about other people and their lives such as do they rent or own, what kind of job do they have and such things. I want to know how to live in the real world but I do not. I am also envious of others lives.
My parents are constantly pointing out my flaws and saying I need meds and that I can't make good decisions on my own. I want to go into a hospital to get away from all of this, I feel so different from everyone else my age. And I am constantly afraid of everything.
I have been told by friends that I am self-centered and absorbed.Please someone anyone out there if this sounds familer please post a follow-up.

[silentcry]

Well, I feel like I'm alone on this earth.  I'm 34 years old and I have a great home, wonderful man, and two great kids.  Why do I feel alone?  I'm certian that I  have some type of disorder only I'm too chicken to find out what it is and it has affected my relationship with my oldest daughter(I have ruined her)also my relationships with men.  I went to a counsler once and she said that I must have been  molested as a child, only there are no memeories of any such thing.  However I can not remember age 9-13.  I'm not  happy unless I have money and I'm a very giving person, If I have then so do you.  But when I don't have I feel like blaming others for my misfortune and I know that is not right.  I'm always helping someone and sometimes I get myself into hardtimes trying to help others.  It really is getting old and I just wish that I could find myself. Both my mother and father are deceased.  My grandparents are deceased.  I have three brothers, one who does not speak to any of us,one who lost his wife and has been on drugs every since, and one who is very similar to me only made a poor judgement call and ended up in federal penn for 10 years.  Then there is me.  I wish I could find some kind of peace..  Any advice would be appreciated

[googoogirl]

I wouldn't say you're mentally ill, the bright individual you really are is just stuck inside you, unable to get out from all the extremely poor parenting it sounds like your parents did.  
Calling a child crazy is right up there with mental abuse.  I take every word you say to a child, it forms* them, seriously.  And your mother taking your meds sounds to me like she was too ashamed to go get her own so had to put the burden on you.  And put into a mental hospital for  physically expressing your --YOUR-- sexuality  with a boyfriend???  

You are born a beautiful bright person.  We learn to fear and mistrust.  We learn to not try.  It sounds like you do need some help, but the help I think you need is taking your life back.  --Talking to a counselor and pinpointing the points in your life that hurt.  And knowing they were not because of YOUR inability to be a good or sane person.  You are sane.  And you're young enough it seems to possibly correct patterns caused by abuse so that they don't create more patterns in your future.  

I just hope you can learn to heal, and to try to recognize the full potential that believing in yourself can bring.  I wish you the best, and I'm personally rooting for you.

[letgo]

The most two difficult things to do on earth are to control one's thoughts and to be mindful of what we are doing. No one in the world can stop thinking unless you are professional experienced meditators. The best thing you can do is first of all to ignore unprofitable passing thoughts. Don't associate yourself with unconscious passing thoughts. Those thoughts are just the culmination of so many factors in the form of mental concoction or discursiveness. You have to concentrate all day and night on the sensation of your body.   Feel the existence and sensation of your body. Do not pay attention to passing thoughts. Whatever thoughts you plan to entertain must be deliberate conscious thoughts, the kind of thoughts that bring about profitable and constructive things to your life and to others. Stop all negative thinking now. Forget about them as if they were pssing clouds or waves hitting the shore.  To reinforce your positive thinking power, you should practice breathing meditation, watching the passing of wind through the nostrils without thinking about anything else. I hope these techniques could help soothe your mental problem.