BPD Young Mother

I have a friend that has BPD tendencies, but refuses to be evaluated. In the meantime she has caused daily friction between herself vs her husband, her five children, employers (many), ex-husband, alcohol (mood VERY eractic and hostile, ending in fights or physical abuse), her husband's family, financial businesses, her community (yells at staff, impulsiveness, drives reckless). I am interpreting that her children are suffering from her screaming, cursing, physical aggressiveness, unstable moods, controling behaviors. She has a negative attitude towards her only male son who is 35 months old. I have witnessed minor infractions, and warned her of the consequences of her actions in a careful fashion. It passed over her, but she has not escalated in my presence. The son has always appeared to be afraid of his mother, had many childhood "accidents", including a black eye and a severe burn near his ear. His relationship with his father is observed to be loving, from each, but fearful and resistant with his mother. He has stated such things as his mother is a monster, my mommy hates me, don't be mad at me and some others. His younger sister is beginning to shows signs of emotional stress as well. It goes on and on. My question is, is this type of behavior typical in BPDs children, and what needs to be done. Another problem is the husband is a co-dependent. In this situation I have no idea what to do, but is constantly asked to be involved in the situation. What can be done?!

[HFHS MD-JM]

Beth,

    It appears that you are very concerned about your friends behavior and how it affects her family/children.  The difficulty is that your friend is resistant to evaluation.
    I can't give your friend a diagnosis without an evaluation but it is clear that she demonstrates impulsivity, mood instability and aggressive towards others that may indicate borderline personality disorder or another mental illness such as   bipolar disorder.
    Your goal as a friend is to encourage your friend to reconsider treatment/evaluation.  If she is unable or unwilling to and you feel there is a concern about her safety or others, then you can petition the courts to have an evaluation done against her will and hospitalize(or other treatment) if necessary.
    Regarding her children and their safety, if you suspect child(you don't have to prove it) then you can call child protective services in your area and have them investigate.  Just so you know, this can be done anonomously.
    Hope this was helpful. Good luck.  Remember this information is intended for educational purposes only.

Sincerely,

HFHS MD-JM

Keywords:  Borderline personality disorder, Bipolar disorder, child abuse

[Jordan]

My heart goes out to you as I too have a very good friend that is Bi-Polar...She has in the past been diagnosed so I know this to be true. The problem is that she has decided that she is "cured"
She refuses to take her medicine and is a total slob. She hasn't cleaned her house in about 6 months...to say the least her home should be condemned ! I used to go "bail" her out and help her clean it up with her promises of keeping it clean but she never does. I refuse to help her clean her house anymore as have everyone else. About 5 years ago her husband left her due to her disorder. He simply couldn't cope anymore. Then about 1 year ago he won custody of their 3 children. I hate to say it but the kids are far better off in the custody of their father. She also goes on drinking binges and gets really messed up. Her oldest son has the same attitude and or fears but he is 11 years old, and can describe his feelings in more detail. Since the children have been with their father they are getting better grades in school and seem to be doing very well. BUT...the hostile feelings the children have toward their mother are still very evident. On her weekends with the kids they are totally out of control. I don't know how they make it thru the weekend !She tries to "buy" their affections and spends exuberant amounts of money on them catering to their every wish. Well...need I say more?! You are not alone in your plight! Seek out the help of a professional for her children and ask their advise on how to help. You need to be very careful in handling this so as to not make the situation worse for all involved. GOOD LUCK and let us know what happens.

[Konnie]

Beth -

I find your letter very disturbing.  I was the victim of the type of emotional abuse you describe as well as physical and sexual abuse.  Most of our neighbors growing up as well as many people outside of our family either knew of or suspected the abuse I lived with daily.  Nobody ever reported it and today, as a 39 year old mother of 4, I still suffer from the scars all of this caused me.  PLEASE, if you have strong suspicions that the children are being abused, please report it to the children's services unit where you live.  They will not make the assumption of guilt and can generally be counted on to thoroughly investigate the situation.  I have never seen these things handled in anything other than an anonomous way and you can maintain your friendship and even support her while it is being checked out.  Sometimes this type of evaluation can force a parent in for evaluation and treatment.  They may also contract with her that custody is conditional on continued treatment.

Finally, I know that reporting may feel like you are betraying a friend.  Please know that you may be doing her the biggest favor of her life.  With treatment now, while her children are young, there is a possibility that the family can come out of this situation at least partially intact.  Her chidren's immediate safety is the first thing but I know she will want to be a part of her children's adult lives and enjoy her grandkids.

Best Wishes!