Horrible chronic pain with multiple breakouts, depresion, dead end I can't do this anymore. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel as though I have lost already.
Is it be possible to suffer from depression and chronic pain separately, by coincidence? Because the two seem to feed each other, my own mind and body has literally turned against me.
I suffered 8 sports related concussion before I was twenty.
As it turns out I have several brain abnormalities, effects of which was multiplied by the concussions.
I am currently being treated for horrific, blinding frightening pain. I was given the MMP-I and was compared to the Beck depression test. Both concluded severe depression.
I am on 19 pills a day. Antidepressants, muscle relaxants, elavil, gravol (the pain can make me vomit when it gets bad) as well as a ton of morphine all day long.
The depression and chronic terrible pain have combined to form this hellish allegiance in my body. When I have prepared to cook dinner or something, and I get hit with a pain attack I often can't take it. It's not so much the pain, but the total despair and panic. Overwhelming hopelessness, fear of giving in. There is no way out, being attacked by your body and mind when you are most vulnerable. So desperate, so foggy headed. Taking morphine at high doses with other narcotics, neurontin and elavil (Anti-D & chronic pain relief) some help for the body, attacks my mind.
I can't control it, I can't "save up" for a party, or busy day.
Nothing works, morphine now maxed out, elavil seems to help, just started the neurontin, and it just knocks the "edge" of the constant pain but NOTHING HAS EVEN TOUCHED THE SPIKES! ICAN'T TAKE IT I CAN'T TAKE I CAN'T TAKE IT. I want to scream, I am shaking, I have no control over this, it has me. I am trapped. I have a family that I am leaning on, other than the generous disability I have I am of no value.......to my OWN FAMILY! I don't know what to do I don't know what to do? Help.
I will take any reasonable surgical risk....no...I am willing to take any risk. I cannot see the other side, I don't know how to get there. I have pursued the best care possible, Scripp's, UCLA medical, The "Neuro" in Montreal is next. But I feel like I am spinning my wheels. Each doctor wants his own tests. Delay delay, my life is draining away. If I don't catch it soon, I'm done. No way out.....I have never been here before. I always won, damn lucky, I used to be prepared. Now I my own body betrays me. How do I .......I think it is time to let go.
I don't know what to do.......