Confused-BPD, Histrionic, Somatization, bipolar 2, Ptsd

Hi,

I'm a 25 yr old married female with kids.  I have been diagnosed over the years with post traumatic stress syndrome (in foster care, abused, rape, etc) possible histrionic pd -which makes no sense, since I hate being centre of attention, do not dress provacactively, am loyal to my husband, etc-was a provisional dx.  Also provisional dx of borderline and somatization disorder.  This was dx after 45 min with a psych. who had me wait over 1 hr in waiting room while she read and I paid a sitter, I got upset, and not yelling, asked the secretary top please tell her I was getting very upset and was not pleased with waiting any longer.  Found out after it was  a "test" to see my reaction, so I told her she next time she could pay my sitter if she wants to waste my time.  Anwyways, we went on formt hem and discussed my past, etc.  I was sick for approx. 2 years with no dx, had cat scan and mri for face pain and headaches and numbness after son's birth and had extreme nausea and painful periods that were very long and heavy.  My family Dr decided I was anorexic-which I am not and wrote to all specialists that saw me that I was metnal and had these disorders, that there was no cause for my illness, so I got treated like A nut and not taken seriously.  )I have my complete patient file and have all referral letters taht state this)  this past year I found out that I had a bad infection in my jaw that was causing the face pain, headaches numbness and nausea. I had 4 impacted and infected wisdom teeth removed, some bone removed, 4 root canals, 2 crowns, 5 fillings and lots of antibiotics.  I also found out I had a hole in my esophagus and was given meds for that.  Later had a dx laproscopy and was told I had fibroids and an acutley retroverted uterus that is up against the spine causeing major pain.  Also, a prolapsed transverse colon and major food allergies.  So guess somatization is now ruled out, right?  Anyways, due to all this I am now petrified of Dr's and have become extremely depressed but too scared to see one to get help for the depression and mood swings.  My grandmother Is Bipolar, my motehr is possible bipolar with bpd according to shrink and my father is an alcohic drug addict that is suspected to have mood disorder.  I am a past drug abuser. alcoholic-no drugs in almost 10 yrs, no alcohol in over 4.  I am having major irritabilty right now, mood swings, depression, spending too much, then feeling really guilty, feel like I am gonna lose control anytime, scared of myslf-anger which has always been a big problem and getting fearful now.  I do nto see or hear things, but have nightmares, and when I close my eyes, I get visions in my head of evil things like demons and feel like evil is around me, which I know is corny.  I saw a psychic at a fair for fun, and she told me my house is haunted (which really didn't help matters) I knwo this is corny too, but it freaks me out.  So anyways, I think I am losing it, don't think I have histrionic or somatization disorder, and am wondering if these are signs of bipolar disorder?  My shrink when I was in foster care said I showed signs of bipolar 2 ( I get mad and can't stop saying mean stuff, used to throw stuff a lot, but was pretty high a lot then too, still get mad and can't shut up even though I want too), but gave me a definite dx of ptsd and had me on prozac.  I am on nothing now for years, antidepressants make me very sick and more depressed, which makes no sense. Is there any other way to get help without seeing a dr?  I am scared of them, don't trust them.  Am I a nut or what? Oh ya, forgot to say, on and off feel like I am stoned even though I don't do drugs anymore and I start to almost stutter, can't spit out the words, they are stuck in my brain and can't get them out right away, other times can't stop.  Sorry for the length and thanks in advance for the help.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

The help you need is from a therapist who will listen, understand and talk to you.  You shouldn't worry about a diagnostic label because that is for drug treatment. You need to understand yourself and express yourself in order to short circut your anger which boils over or builds to anxiety.

If you are reluctant to start with someone, try the masteringstress program above and ask for a review by me.

[Anonymous]

Forgot to mention that my physical problems are gone, no more nausea, face pain, numbness, etc (majority went when had teeth and infection fixed.  Gained weight all on my own.  symptoms have been gone for over 6 months now, only have headaches which are controllable with advil.  Thanks again.

[grrlfriend]

Hi Anon,

If you suspect you might have Borderline Personality Disorder (terribole name, but that's what it's called right now), why don't you read my post to Jeanette a few lines down where I recommend a buncha websites where you can go and read about it and then post on the message board.  There's lots of action over there, and you will get a lot of responses to your questions and see if anyone else with that illness has experienced what you have.  I hate to say it, but fear of therapy is one of the biggest symptoms.  Try to overcome it, check around and find a good, competent therapist who knows about DBT therapy (read my posts below).  

There's no time like the present, and the sooner you begin, the sooner you can start getting well!

take care

Grrlfriend

[s.k]

I was misdiagnosed borderline twice. The last time I was diagnosed borderline and bipolar. It amazes me that BPD is often diagnosed along side Bipolar Disorder and I am amazed at how similar the criteria are and how different the disorders are.

The first time I was misdiagnosed I think the doctor changed his mind or something because he said some things that made me wonder if he thought I was infact bipolar but the HMO wouldn't pay any longer.

The next time was based soley because I cut and the ******* didn't beleive in Bipolar II as a diagnosis. Finally my real doctor assigned to me steped in, they actually argued about it and agreed to leave me as both because I showed signs of both. Well, the only sign I showed was that I cut.

Now I am not saying that no way hosey the twenty four diagnosises you presented here cannot be you, but be weary of multiple diagnosises. I think alot of times they get piled on and nobody stops and thinks "Could he be cutting because of the bipolar?" "Could he feel lack of self identity because he is depressed?" "Could he be engaged in wreckless sex because he is manic?"

Also, the test i took the first time asked questions in present tense. I am not sure how you are going to distiguish betwene depression borderline or bipolar disorder because I have never felt all manic OR depressive symptoms all at once. If they asked have you ever HAD felt as though you had special or magical powers, that would have been a no brainer. "yes, many times"

[Anonymous]

Hi, thanks for the comments.

I do not think I have histrionic disorder, the criteria doesn't fit and family and friends don't buy it either.  The somatization has now been discounted due to the fact that there was a genuine cause for my physical symptoms.  The Post traumatic stress thingy, well ok, that is there.  The Borderline thing, not too sure of that, as I do not meet all the criteria, Yes, I am moody, I have anger-bad temper and am verbally very nasty at time and irritable.  I have a spending problem, I buy **** I don't need but at the time have to have and then a few days later wonder why the heck I bought it.  I do not cut myself or harm myself physically.  I am not unsure of my sexuality, I am not promiscuous, I have been with the same guy for over 8 years, no problem.  I am not saying that everyone else has those symptoms, just what I have read some of them are.  My problem is like this:  I got though stages, at least I think that is what they are.  Like this last time, I felt that gee I'm 25, I 'm married I have great kids, everything is good, I can stay home and be with them, hubby makes good money, own a house, done great for myself, life is wonderful.  Then all of sudden, it's gee I'm 25 and what have I got to show for success?  I am supported by my husband, don't work, went to college, but do nothing, I sit at home, love my kids, but am so bored, feel like I haven't accomplished anything, I'm a huge loser, mad embarrassed to be who I am.  I am getting old, time is passing me by, too late to do anything, oh god, I have gross skin (no one else thinks so) body is gross and covered in stretch marks.  Really depressed and sad and hate my skin.  So anyways, I am freaking out, depressed, spend a ton of money on creams which don't work, am convinced my life sucks and that I am a loser who will never be anything.  Then approx. 1 month (not sure exact time) later I am Gonna exercise, get in shape-lasted only 2 weeks, Gonna get a tan, get my hair done, Gonna get a job and get a life and things are Gonna be good.  I get my resume together put them out, hey getting interviews, I'm great, Gonna be a success, use my college training, get out of the house, meet new people.  Start to visit my buddies again, having a great time, things are wonderful, house is super clean, kids are great, doing fun stuff with everyone, very happy and proud of myself.  Calling long distance to tell people about these great jobs that I'm Gonna get and already planned how I'm Gonna spend my paycheck.  Even totaled how much I would make for each job minus taxes, daycare, etc. The thinsg I'm gonna do with this money are so great. Things are great.  Really excited, all I talk about is work, etc.  Going out for lunch lots, hanging out late at buddies, doing lots again.  woohoo!  Skin doesn't look so bad, yippee.  Start reading all these business books from my last course to refresh.  Just read and read, don't want to be interrupted because then I'll have to stop, have to just go go go.  Don't want to stop, it is so clear and absorbing so fast, it's incredible, I can do anything.  Everyone needs to know how great this is, they have to.  Need to do so much.  So many things, have a paper with a list of all these great things I'm Gonna do.  So many things on the go right now.  Can't believe I forgot how exciting it all is.  Can't wait to work, Gonna be great, I know more than I thought, etc.  Trying to talk and getting stuck sometimes, too excited, words are faster in my head then my mouth but speech is stuck in time warp at times, it gets stuck, have to force the words out and then they don't stop.  Buzzing.  feel stoned. Then about a week later, start thinking that might not be good idea to work, feel guilty for wanting to leave the kids, don't think I'd be good at it anyways, too risky, don't really know that much, what if I screw up, nope can't do it.  What am I Gonna tell them if they phone me?  Please don't let them call me for an interview, can't sleep getting worked up over something that isn't even happening, have to have a plan. Then it's ok, I could work, no biggie.  Then start to have headaches again and now the nightmares and keep waking up.  Too scared to go down hall at night by myself when everyone is asleep, bad feeling, like evil is around, which I then tell myself is dumb since it's not real.  Everytime I close my eyes I get this picture in my head of demons, etc, gruesome horror movie type monsters, freaky.  Really nervous, night time is the worst, hate it.  Tell myself it is silly, just a thought, nothing major, it's not real, just my imagination. go see this psychic for fun, tells me my house is haunted, which makes me laugh at time.  Then that night start getting freaked out again, thinking well maybe that is why I get that weird feeling, maybe that's why when I close my eyes at night I see evil, nope that is dumb.  Then nope, not Gonna chance it, now I'm Gonna get bibles and stick them in every room of my house just in case and just be a freak.  Want to sell the house, telling my husband that's it we're selling it, hate the house.  He tells me to quit being irrational and goes to sleep. Can't sleep, nope, no way, have to cling onto him and hide under the blankets and not mover case there is evil, can feel it.  Next day, after lunch realize oh my god, what a freak, am totally embarrassed.  Feel dumb, apologize to  husband. Start to slow down now, tired lots, hate waking up, so tired, but have to get up and take care of family.  Don't much feel like doing anything.  need to get motivated again.  Depression is coming back.  But goes too.  Starting to get real tired and slow again.  Kind of in slug mode. feel stoned but now like a body stone.  words are stuck in warp again but like in slow motion.  getting confused and lost, just want to sit or sleep.  Wish I could just wave a wand and everything would get done, housework and all.  Ok, have to snap out of this, it's too weird, get up and make myself clean and have a shower, haven't in a couple days.  Now I'm Gonna be a good wife again and clean and make a nice big dinner, etc. Do all that, things are ok, fighting the yuck feeling.  Not sure if Gonna cry or not, this is stupid.  Ok, things are ok.  feel alright for a bit, maybe 1 or 2 hrs, nope things aren't ok.  Now I'm worried, am I nuts?  Ask husband, he says nah, you are just moody, emotional and irrational at times, no biggie.  Ok, but I am still freaked.  What's with me?  I am totally confused and not sure what is happening to me now.  Why am I being so whacked?  Why am I depressed?  I have a good life, I am lucky to have what I have, how dare I be this way.  Am I really depressed?  I'm not suicidal, I still do stuff, I am not sleeping all day, I can laugh and have fun and go out, so maybe I'm not depressed.  But I am snapping at people and irritable again over stupid things, why can't I shutup and why do I get so mean, I can stop when I am being mean.  I walk away now to stop myself, it's bad.  I feel like a jerk.  Ok now today I am nice again.  So now here I am , this is now the point I am at, wondering what the heck is wrong with me and maybe I am normal, maybe it was PMS that is extended?  Stupid headaches are annoying, Advil helps.  No more weird thought about evil stuff around me or strange demons when I close my eyes.  Feel somewhat normal, but not sure, still get bits of depression through the day, totally freaked out about whether or not I am nuts and what if I am.  What the heck is wrong with me?  Maybe this is normal.  You tell me, cause this is me right now.  Back to not shutting up as you can see, but quiet off the Internet again.  Don't really want to hang with anyone right now.  Just confused.  Why the heck was I feeling this evil **** around me and seeing evil when I closed my eyes, that's a new one.  What do you think now? Pretty stupid isn't it? K, I'm done.  Don't be hard on me guys, really don't need that at this point. Thanks.

[grrlfriend]

Anon,

This definitely sounds Bipolar to me, if you want a non-expert opinion.

Check out the excellent Bipolar Forum at:

http://forums.about.com/ab-bipolar/start/

They have lots of articles and information, and a very active message board where you can post all your questions.

best of luck,

Grrlfriend

[rhonni]

You sound exactly like me, BiPolar II

[bluebonnet99]

Dear Anon,

I think I understand how you might feel. Doctors can be pre-judge a patient's condition even before the visit and psych professionals often will diagnose a patient on their past history before a session. It sounds like your early life was chaotic at best and that you may have a family background that may predispose you to manic-depression. That is not a big deal. Your past drug use is not surprising in light of your childhood, but if you have been clean for a while it is not particularly relavant to your situation now unless you start it up again.

Other people may advise you to tell your doctor/therapist everthing that is in your past. I don't unless it is having an impact on you now. Don't be afraid to see a doctor for treatment, just be straightforward about what specific symptoms are bothering you ie sleeplessness, depression, lack of focus, altered activity level etc. If your past history is complex, skip some of the detail so as not to cloud the issue. You may do better starting with a symptom based approach first. See if you can do some reading on manic depression and see if it "clicks" for you. If not, keep reading until you see yourself and then see a competent therapist.

Best of luck,
s

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the comments guys. I went to the counsellor from before and talked to another one and they both think Bipolar but want to rule out other stuff first.  Have to see them evey week now.  What fun. Thanks again.