Several online tests showed I have high levels of Avoidant and Schizotypal personalities. I seeked a psychiatrist for coping with anxiety disorder and social phobia. Before him, another psychiatrist gave me a microscopic dosage of Risperidone (0.5 or so, with gradually increasing), which I refused to take after I read it is for schizophrenia and the second psychiatrist told me I don't need Risperidone after asking me questions whether I hear voices in my head (eventually commenting my actions), whether I see things and whether I think people can read my thoughts or cause me harm with thought. I said NO to all of them, but if I reconsider my answers, the last two could be YES - sometimes I have fear this is possible and I believe it. The first psychiatrist gave me Risperidone after I told her that I am weird and suspicious, afraid of people. While I am in a shop or walking down the street,I am looking around and I am sure people have noticed me or are even watching at me. Sometimes I suspect they are thinking bad things and talking about me, mocking at me, etc.,especially young people and teenagers. I could think they are planning to harm me or something like that, so if I see two or more people together, depending on their look, I am can be sure they have noticed me and even maybe they are planning how to catch and harm me, and I tend to change my course to avoid being close to them. My psychiatrist said this disorder doesnt show emotions while I show emotions. Yes,I can be very emotional sometimes. He said I have interest in social contacts, but I am not completely agree - I feel uncomfortable and somehow uninterested being emotionally close to people and tend to prefer my privacy, own thoughts, ideas.. I have only two friends. Sometimes, especially when interested in something,I can "find" signs giving me answers. I was even more interested in paranormal in my 17s, I bought 3 books for magic. Others see me little eccentric. There's more, but later - no space....
I forgot to say - I am 24 year old male. Most of those things which I associate with the disorder I haven't told to my psychiatrist yet and I thought they are normal and I am simply a weird, different kind of bird, but after reading about the disorder...
Well, others actually see me very eccentric and strange sometimes, mostly for my ways of thinking, talking. Back in high school, two or three times children laughed that I am crazy. I am now not dealing with rituals and similar stuff, not even reading or writing for UFO as much as before, but years ago I remember I created an amulet for a friend of mine - to keep him from bad things. I still feel very powerful attraction and interest to those subjects so maybe it is a matter of time to start reading about them again. I can say I have many interests, yet during the last two-three years I feel more careless and switched-off, I neglected them to some degree and don't concentrate on anything for long period. I am uninterested to go to vacations anymore.
I had one girlfriend (without sexual contact). She was weird person, too. We broke up two years ago and even when we were together, sometimes I was suspicious about her. She is from the neighbourhood. We met on the internet and it was hard for me to go out to meet her, because I thought her plan was to convince me to go out and then to mock at me or cause me harm together with other people. However, we met at some point. It was hard and little crazy relationship and I dont want to remember it. Once, she wanted to go out with me out of the city, in a place with wood and lake, where people usually go to take rest for several hours. I did it despite my fears and bad feel about it. At times I thought she wants me there to kill me by pushing me in the water. Sometime I am almost sure my anxiety problems could be caused by her. Soon, she called my mother to talk about me with her (that she still loves me) and I freaked out. I thought she is feeling guilty and want to tell my mother that she and her family have caused something terrible to me (I mean, negative energy), or to give her something for me that can cause me harm. So I told my mother: never-ever take anything from her! Then, she wrote me a letter and I was firstly suspicious it could be charged with negative energy. Time ago, I freaked out for that I have pictures in her house and she could use the energy info on them for bad purposes. However, those thoughts are not so powerful now and the last months. I dont want to remember her, to see or hear her, because I think this can cause something bad or at least I will start to think about those things again. That's why it is hard time when someone on the internet wants to see my picture - I hardly send it.
My glasses are antisolar not only because I want dark glasses, but because of this, too - I prefer to be with protected, harder-to-see eyes.
I believe "coincidences" are actually hints for something. I am not always like that and sometimes I dont care, but sometimes I have ideas that this or that is related to me or to something that I am interested in and is information for me. Or ideas that certain facts are related - maybe just a broad associative horizon? I was very introverted child, sometimes teased and humiliated in school. With time, I started to feel I am different and unable to fit in, and that I have more special qualities - better sixth sense, intuition, insight that I should develop further, creativity, etc. Very rarely, thoughts of presence in the room may come to me for a while. Months ago, it was raining and while I was in my bed, I was listenening to the rain and at times it's sound was like a whisper and seemed alive. Also, (mostly in my native language) I tend to use more unconventional words in place of other more standard words; more metaphorical style etc., sometimes I create new words by combining others, etc. So relatives from Internet, who see how I write on forums, tell me I have very interesting and distinctive style, so they can say this is me even if I change my nickname.
I know that diagnosis over internet is hard, but at least do you suspect I may have this disorder (even in very slight, microscopic degree) or predisposition to it, and is it something very bad and dangerous?
I read that some psychologists and psychiatrists think this is a flawed disorder because both insane and just eccentric unconventional thinkers may fit under that hat. Is it true?
i've been through all that myself. no i have to rephrase that somehow cos that makes it sound like its a disorder. just, the thing that is worrying in that respect is that what you describe is so similar to what i experienced.
i hate to say i got sectioned. four times. IT SCARED ME. disorder disorder whats a disorder....i think we're different.... fundamentally....and profound, ly. despite the similarites i mentioned....because vis-a-vis medicationi wsa severrly frkedfreeeeeekedout........
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