Emotionally detached.

I have been married to my husband for 20 years. For approximately the past 10 years, I have been emotionally unattached to him. I'm not quite sure how this came to be, but I suspect it is connected to his insecurity and subsequent jealousy and possessiveness with me down through the years, often leading to rage bordering on violence.  I have known for some time that I was not emotionally attached to this man.  I didn't miss him when he was gone, and I dreaded when he came home.  He was so sexually demanding, that I think I grew resentful and really started to dislike him. It was something I had come to accept, and although I wasn't fulfilled in my marriage, I was the only one who had to know that. This plan worked until 2 years ago, when my one-time fiance and I bumped into each other.  I had been faithful for 18 years, but suddenly I found myself falling - hard - for my past love.  The feeling was mutual, and very quickly I realized that my heart had found its home. He is married, with small children, and after 2 years of flirting with the idea of taking steps to be together, he has ended our relationship. Now I am left heartbroken, although I understand why it has to be this way. Now my husband is pressuring me to go to counseling to "make it work".  The problem is, I still have no emotional attachment to my husband. He thinks he can heap guilt and financial concerns on me and that will make me "come around".  He doesn't seem to get it that I am emotionally dead to him...I suppose I could stay in this for everyone else's sake, but I don't know if I can carry on the charade for an indefinite period of time. Is there something wrong with me that I am emotionally unattached to my husband? I truly do not feel any love for him, other than the basic love I have for all humankind. He calls me a cold-hearted *****, saying I have f***ed him over, am ruining our teenage sons' lives and that I will rot in Hell for it. I am so troubled by all of this.  I understand that I can't have my one love...it has saddened me beyond words, but I am dealing with that fact. But the thought of staying with a man I do not love, being his companion, making (gulp) "love" to him, faking my way through the rest of my life with him, is unbearable to me. We live in a small town, and naturally I am concerned that he is busily convincing people that I am a cold-hearted *****. Everyone "loves" him, thinks he's just the nicest guy.  No one else has had the experience of being his wife.  No one else has had to put up with the years of accusations, criticisms over the smallest of details, such as wearing lipstick, fixing my hair or getting contacts (he claims these are signs of my vanity and my desire to find someone else)or being made to feel like a sex slave.  Do you think that I have a dysfunction, being emotionally unattached to him? He maintains that it's all "me", that I'm to blame for everything falling apart. Please advise.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Nothing you described about yourself is abnormal sounding, but it is also a familiar story.  The decision about divorse is complicated, and being emotionally detached is also a response to all those years of disappointment.  I suggest you do go to counseling for a while, but not to make it work, but only to find out if there is anyway that either it might work, or you might part more friendly than otherwise might be the case.

[silvercomet]

Take him up on the offer to attend counseling! It is there that he may realize that he has problems and that he is the source of your unhappiness as well... let the therapist steer him in that direction.

[cjweaver]

I am going to say it because no one else has.  Your husband sounds abusive and cruel.  Is there any reason in the world to stay in such a relationship?  Even if the dissolution of your marriage is difficult, a year down the road you will feel like your life belongs to you, and happiness is what you make of it.  I am not an expert but another woman who has experienced what your going through.  ITs tough scary and painful but here on the other end it is the best thing I have ever done for myself and my daughter.  Keep hope!

[55 and divorced]

I went through s similar marriage. I too feel in love with someone else, to become broken hearted.  Untimately I divorced, and now I live alone.  I was much more content married.  And I didn't stay awake at night worried about money and healthcare.  Be careful.  The grass isn't greener on this side of the fence -- not by a long shot.