H-OCD?

[scaredOCD]

I'm 19 and I've been a nervous wreck my whole life. I've had fears of germs, HIV, going crazy, pedophilia, among other petty things. I had compulsive behaviour for all of them. Now i'm in my worst case. I fear that i may be gay. My entire life i've been attracted to females (as i'm male) but out of the blue i started to question my sexuality. Even during this worry, i've been able to get aroused by my girlfriend and thinking about sexual activity with women. I have no desire to be with a man, but these intrusive thoughts are driving me crazy and making me think that maybe i am gay and didn't know it until now. I have no desire to be emotionally or sexually attached to a man. Please tell me i have OCD. If i don't, why else would i still be attracted to girls? P.S. I'm a Christian, so no matter what the answer is i'm not going to give in to homosexuality as it goes against my belief system, i just need some reassurance here. Thanks a lot for your time

[terrance4567]

To I'm sorry you suffer...I'm 18. and I have the same exact thoughts...I have sexual ones too, and....I'm tired of keeping a secret so here it goes.... the sexual ones have become so bad that I actually get weird sensations.... I looked up recently about how arousal feels-because I wanted to know...luckily...I didn't have anything....but now---this stupid problem makes me feel strange...like seeing bugs...and feeling them crawling on you..it's NOT because I like it....I hate it...it's a sickening feeling, not a pleasurable one...I scrunch up and feel nauseated....I'm a devout believer in God...and sometimes I feel he hates me....
...I prayed to God I would do anything to get rid of this problem, and so no one will have it anymore...I would give up my life I said....how, I don't know-I was going nuts....what's the reason for it?....I sometimes think about my future...my wonderful dream job, kids....but how can someone like me possibly be a good parent? Does someone like me even deserve to be around?

[bignebraska_57]

I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I've been madly in love with my girlfried for the past year.  One day we were watching some show where the guy found out he was gay.  That triggered a blitzkrieg of intrusive thoughts into my head.  What if I'm gay?  What if I become gay when I'm older?  It's driving me crazy!!!! I can't take it anymore.  I hate going to sleep and hate waking up.  I can't control these damn thoughts.  It has been the worst 4 months of my life.  THE WORST.  I don't know what to do.....my mind is telling me I'm gay, but I know I'm not.

[Skybolt]

Oh my God. Please don't worry! You have some form of OCD. There's nothing to be afraid of. I suffer from the exact same tormenting thoughts as you do. You described it to a point. You are not gay! Your mind is trying to frighten you as best it can. I'm a Christian too, and since homosexuality is against my beliefs as well, my mind has "locked" on to it. What happens with OCD is that your brain tries to find the scariest, worst possible thing imaginable and try to convince you of it, even conjuring up false feelings! I thought I was the only one in the world like this. I've always been attracted to guys. Just recently my brain has been starting to convince me of something I'm not. I know how hard this is, please don't give up, it will take care of itself in time. Tell yourself every time you get a thought..."It's NOT me, it's my OCD!"

                          -There with you,
                                  Skybolt

[April2]

Hey, I found another post I thought might help you. Check out on the Anxiety Forum titled "So Scared", Sept. 24th. This woman was having scary intrusive thoughts and Barbarella wrote back suggesting a book by Dr. Weeks. She gives a little blurp about it on the post.
I hope this helps!

[April2]

Take a look at the post "Anxiety about Homophobia" in the Anxiety forum dated September 9th, page three I believe. You will see this young man was having the same problem. Even though the post started to get into a debate about homosexuality, I will tell you the same thing I told that young man. The fact that you are having thoughts you don't want and know that you are not homosexual shows you're not. Your mind picked up on something scary to you and ran with it. That's what the mind does. And the more fear you show towards it, the more power you give it. These type intrusive thoughts can be related to OCD I was told. Try and relax. Ignore the thoughts. What do thoughts do anyway? They can't hurt you. Just busy yourself doing things you enjoy and the thoughts will fade and eventually go away. The more you think about them and show fear towards them, the more they will stay in your head. I didn't have thoughts related along these lines, but I did have intrusive thoughts that scared me and tormented me for a long time. What helped with me was quoting Philipians 4:8 and praying and staying busy. Hope any of this helps!

[April2]

Oh my gosh, I used to have intrusive thoughts too. Skybolt, I hope you're still there because you're saying exactly what I knew to be true. Your brain locks onto the most scariest thing it can think on and then torments you with that! When I became a brand new Christian, I started having terrible thoughts against God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit. I read about the unforgivable sin in the Bible and fear just welled up in me. I started having horrible thoughts against God and it grieved me terribly. I wanted so much to please the Lord and I couldn't understand why I would have thoughts that I didn't even believe or want! I never knew it could be related to OCD. I eventually was able to pull out of it with a lot of prayer and quoting that scripture, Philipians 4:8. Of course, as a Christian I was told these thoughts were from the devil. I don't know if it was that or if I do have OCD. It's something to think about. What happened to the other posters? Any other Christians on here with this problem?

[Damn]

damn post blockers lol my e-mail is hell_bat         @         hotmail.com

[Damn]

I was hoping to set up a help chat with a bunch of people suffering from this disorder, if any who reads this and is suffering from HOCD please e-mail me at hell_bat***@****, maybe we can help eachother fight the fight.

[Damn]

NOooo! dont try it thats what the hocd whats you to do give in and let it controle you. But the thing is that your not gay and you dont like girls. If you try it you may push yourself futher back into the disorder giving your hocd more to work with, dont feed the flame. I am 17 and i have had this ***** of a disorder for 3 long fuckin years. 2 times in those 3 years i have watched gay porn to see if it did anything for me. And sure enough I obtained no feelings of arousal or any movement down there if you know what i mean. I felt a little sick to tell you the truth. so please dont give in you have to fight it, god is on your side in the fight with your demons.

[Damn]

Fuckin right i have the exact same thing i have loved women my entire life then one day just out of the blue these ******* thoughts entered my head and started ******* with me, it pisses me off soo much my girlfriend helps me alot when i breakdown sometimes. Just make sure you have someone there to help you out, get some good meds and a good therapist cuz its gonna be a long road. I have had this for about 3 years now and it has subsided but it still drives me crazy. I am also christian and befor i ever let my self go gay ill put a bullet in my head. my best wishes to you bolt and scared, may god be with you in your battle.

[lookingforacure]

I am a 27 year old female. I have been suffering from H-OCD for almost 4 years now.  Because it has lasted so long I find it very difficult to believe that my lesbian fascinations are not true. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and I am really lucky because he seems to understand what I am going through and often has to remind me that it is just my OCD. I have had it for so long that I am begining to just want to "try it out" and see if I like it, but I don't even know how to do that.....so I am sure that is an indication that it is OCD or I would know how to approach a female I was attracted to...right?

[GypsyJana]

I'm convinced, you're scared. You  know something is wrong, you know enough to get on the computer and find this site, now get to a psychiatrist. What could they possibly tell you that is going to be worse to live with than the way you are living now. I agree you do sound like you have OCD, you are obsessing on obsession even. Time to get some help. No matter who or what you are remember, always love yourself. Feelings are not right or wrong they just are. Be kind to yourself. Medication can work wonders then you can start to understand yourself a bit better, and not be so afraid you aren't going to like who you are, once you are able to see yourself a bit clearer. No one is perfect, so love and allow yourself to be imperfect. I am Christian also, I believe that nothing happens in God's world by mistake, absolutely nothing. You are as God made you, don't let others dictate God's will for you, they don't know. You need some help, we all do. Don't look at it as a weakness, it's silly to think you should not have problems, or that you can get well alone. You're not alone, I care about you, so be a little compassionate towards yourself, at least as much as you would give to a stranger. I gaurantee it will be more than what you are giving yourself now. Hang in there. Love & Light, Jana

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

It sound to me like ocd...absolutely.