How do I respond?

I've suffered from depression now for over 20 years.  I have been through therapy, take anti-depressants but every little stressor seems to affect me.  My husband keeps asking when the old me (which is more probable that I was acting well) is going to return.  I have tried to explain to him that depression isn't a switch that you can turn off and on.  We are apart at the moment due to financial issues thus we live in different states.  I am looking for work, thus a huge stressor.  He keeps wanting me to not be depressed and feel good.  If I'm sad, which I am because of missing him, he takes it that I'm depressed.  I'm sad, I'm lonely, I'm not really depressed.  How do I explain that to him?  How do I explain that depression is not an off/on switch?  Any suggestions would greatly be appreciated.

Alto2

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

I have been away for a few days and am glad to see I am not needed here...all the viable answers have already been expressed, and responded too.  I would only add that when you go to the therapist together you explore what is going on between the two of you in regard to your health, rather than have him get another lecture that probably won't do the trick...once some misunderstanding like this has gone on for so long, it is uusally reenforced unconsciously, and in subtle ways, by both parties..unraveling that transaction could be of great help.

[Paxiled]

Show him what you just wrote.

[Alto2]

all of this and his sister has told him, but it's like it doesn't register that depression has no quick fix and that sadness and loneliness are normal in this situation.  Go figure!  Men definitely have a different sense of what happiness, sadness, lonliness, contentment are!  I know this is a constant roller coaster he has me on for now and hopefully when I can get health insurance back, I'm going to take him to a therapist to have them explain all of this to him and have him see I'm not a button to be pressed on and off.

Thanks for your comment Paxiled.  I love the name.  I feel I've gone through every medication there is on this planet in the last 20 years. LOL.  

Take care

[zack32]

Since you don't have insurance right now, why not try other avenues of help. Such as writing things down in a diary. This way you can go back and read it to see how you felt in certain situations and avoid them if they made you depressed. Also you can pursue situations that made you feel good. Reading the Bible can be a great source of comfort as well. Also remember that men are made up differently than us. Men like to problem solve and don't even realize that look at every situation in that way. Women like to talk about things without really wanting the situation to be fixed. We just want to be assured that what we are doing is right. So taking to him about depression until you are blue in the face is not going to help. First you need to fix the problem, find out the underling cause. Then tell him you are taking proper steps to get better and show that you are to him.
I am not a Doctor, but I do hope you get the needed help, and can work things out with your husband.

[Alto2]

Thanks Zack32
I'm doing all of that.  At least I do know what causes my depression and I am working on it.  So true that men are not like women.  Fortunately, my husband and I are working on this but I do have to say that what makes it hard is that he has to be in TN while I'm here in TX.  I know it's a temporary situation but we both believe our marriage comes first and our relationship.  I'm thankful for having a husband who wants a marriage to work because many men would have taken off with my health problems.  I appreciate your comment and yes, I do need to look more in the Bible.  I need to put more effort there because I've just given up on everything for a while.  But I know the Lord is there for me, he never leaves me, it's me who left him for a while but it's time to go back. ;-)  Thanks so much for your encouragement.   Very helpful to know that people care about others and I know for me, I'd give anything also to help others, but at times, I realize I need a little help and I need to be able to ask for it.  Again, thanks.

[Paxiled]

A complaint here -- I'm a man, and suffer the exact same problem.  Don't generalize, it just blocks understanding.

[Alto2]

I'm sorry you suffer from the same problem.  May I ask where I generalized?  It definitely wasn't my intention if you misunderstood something but I'd rather be able to explain what I said than hurt someone's feelings.  Sorry again.

[Paxiled]

You and Zack both said men don't react like women and vice versa, but that's a generalization.  People react differently, every one of us.  My feelings aren't hurt, though, just throwing my two cents in.  Which is about all I have to throw in!