How to you deal with a family in denial of your illness?

I am trying my very best to avoid confrontation, with the public and my family, but they are in total denial of my illness.

It is bad enough that the public treat you differently when you have a mental illness, but when your family thinks its all BS, what can you do?

My husband knows and understands, but the rest of the people, who I have told, dont believe it, and use it to hurt me by saying things like..."whatever you have BP or whatever you think you have"...I dont think I have it, I know I have it, I have been diagnosed with a variety of mental illnesses, but primarily my daughter, refuses to accept it. Im just glad I havent told my brother (the only one left in my immediate family), because I believe that he would act the same as my daughter, and I rarely talk to him anyhow.

So how can you maintain calmness with your family pushing you into anger?  My meds are helping a lot, but I still feel it building up inside me, which is not a good sign.

Any suggestions?  Mediation and that type of calming doesnt work for me.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Probably the best way to avoid the anger buildup is to get a perspective...and ask yourself, why must they agree with me? Yes, it would be better if they understood and acknowledged what you know, but if they don't, does it have to be that important  to you that you start to fume?  Perpective is the name of the game...losing it and getting it back.

[doctora]

Thank you for your prompt response.

Is it best that I remove myself from the situation or confront it and try, again to explain my illness.  I dont know whether I am banging my head against a brick wall with them, but I would think that it is important that they know about my health.

They have already put me in rehab for an ailment I didnt have. Now I have been diagnosed, they just dont seem to get it.

Perspective is the key word I agree.

[Jaquta]

I think that there must be some middle ground between avoidance and confrontation.
Personally, I think you're wasting your time.  If family members don't get it and don't care and aren't motivated to accept it then I think pressing them is a lost cause.

Why is it important that they know about your health?  As long as your husband knows and your treatment team know the rest is irrelevant.
I think needing others to know is just a way of justifying where you're at.  In a way it's a bit like making an excuse for who you are, what you do, etc.
Why should we feel ashamed of our journey?  Because it is different to others?

At least your family are somewhat proactive.  I think that could be a good thing.

Do we as patients even get being diagnosed?  A diagnosis and its implications can be confusing.

Why must they agree?  To validate our emotions.  The hurt, the pain, the isolation, the rejection.
It hurts not to have our continual struggle for survival, which it is a lot of the time, acknowledged or even recognized.
How can people hurt so much and people be so blind to it?
People get more support for a temporary minor physical ailment than many people get for long-term emotional problems.

With my breast cancer issues my family's priority was to make sure that they didn't have it.  Then fulfill their needs.  Then try and fix me.
With my mh issues they are in denial.  "There's nothing wrong with you!"  Blah, blah.

There are many reasons why others would not like to confront mh issues.  Many feel threatened by it.  My parents saw it as an attack on their parenting.  My mother seems to associate it with diminished social status.
To me it just shows how insecure other people actually are.

Would you not be upset if people attacked you or your progress, especially when you were trying your very best?  Rejection can feel like a personal attack.
What does that say about us as individuals?  That we are worthless?
Mental illness can rob us of that sense of self that so many take for granted.  Perhaps if we had it we wouldn't be so affected in the first place.  Who would need validation if we could give it to ourselves?  Even people with strong identities need validation or to have their ego's stroked.  We're not unique in that.

Am I fuming?  Sometimes it would be nice not to feel so invisible or so inadequate.

Getting caught up in the emotional aspect and losing perspective :) doesn't do anyone any favors.  Least of all us.

I guess the best thing is to keep taking our issues and insecurities with us to therapy.  And maybe one day it won't matter if people don't accept us or validate us or care about us.

Maybe the problem is that others can't accept that we have a m illness?  Some also probably don't see it as they may only focus on our strengths or our potential.
I'm not sure how your daughter would perceive it.  As a loss?  As an excuse for her childhood?  ??

Talk to a therapist about how you feel.  This will usually help.
Perhaps create some distance for yourself so you have time and space.
Exercise.  Put on some music.  Have a shower.  Do something relaxing.
Maybe look at what is causing you to feel so angry.  Is it a reasonable response?

If your husband understands, perhaps he could talk with your daughter?

[doctora]

Thanks for taking the time for giving me info.

The only reason I want my family to know is in case I have another seizure, or am going through a manic phase. My husband knows, but I dont know if he ha actually read up on it, he just knows from my actions and what I say, whether I am manic or not, not that he is right all the time. He did mention it to my daughter last weekend, and her attitude was a mixture of acceptance and denial. She doesnt blame any of her childhood in reference to this, because when she was growing up it wasnt as bad as it is now, I think that is why she is having such a hard time understanding it. The only other family member I have is my brother and he doesnt even know, I prefer to keep it personal.

Your right, people are afraid of "mental illness", but if you had a visable injury you could get support from others and sympathy and understanding, it is very unfair, and I hope that will change.

I am not angry now, but when my illness is used against me, then I get angry.  I am currently working on my anger issues, so I try to ignore thier ignorance.

I look forward to talking to a therapist, but I am waiting for my disability to come through so I can go see one.

I am not angry usually, my meds help me with that...I am more frustrated than anything.

Thx again for the info.

[Jaquta]

I was just wondering if perhaps a medic alert bracelet, etc would be useful.  There may be times when family members won't be around to help.
Perhaps writing up a crisis management plan for you and your family could be useful.  If they were aware of things to look for at varying stages of unwellness with appropriate interventions for each stage it may take some of the guess work out of the illness.
I think sometimes people give us the benefit of the doubt too often leading to further unwellness.  This doesn't absolve us from taking responsibility for our own health though.

You could make information available to them in case they were interested.  If you were to leave it in a strategic place (?maybe with a crisis plan) they may take the opportunity to read through the material once you were away.  Some people need time, space and privacy to process the information and their emotions.

Why is it worse now?  What has changed?

I think that for the most part views are changing.  I think that there is less discrimination than there perhaps has been in the past.
My brother says that mh campaigns are just an excuse for people.  I wouldn't mind seeing the day when he experiences a little adversity in his life.  Mental illness humbles many people.  I don't think it is necessarily an excuse.
What is his excuse for being so uninsightful anyway?

I like acceptance to avoidance.  Does ignoring the issue ever make it go away?
If you do get angry in the future then perhaps you could use it motivate you to make changes and to work on that which is making you angry.
I just try and view these sorts as things as opportunities to learn.  Others may view these things as things to resolve or fix.

I sometimes think that anger and frustration are blanket emotions.  There are usually other negative emotions there.

Good luck with the therapy.  I hope you are able to access that soon.

[doctora]

Thanks for your post.

I have a medic alert bracelet, I got it right after I had my seizure.

I thought about a crisis plan, but the only one to read it would be my husband, and if he isnt home I am alone, and since he brought me back from the dead, I trust that he has researched on his own personal time, but you cant force people to do what they dont want to do.

He knows my Dr's #, and where my prescriptions are, and since they are planned out daily, he can see from the pills what I am taking, plus I am very vocal about when I take something that I do not take daily.

I also get Bi-Polar magazine, which he reads too, so he has a good idea of the situation. BTW that is a great magazine, if you are not already getting it you may be interested in it.

It has gotten worse with my age, and my ignorance of the fact that something was wrong with me, and for that matter that my parents chose to ignore it, because of thier image in the community. So over the years it just gets worse, more symptoms, more anger, more nightmares etc.

I agree, I have learned to accept it, and now when things get to the point where I feel my blood pressure rising, I leave the room or the area, and allow myself time to digest what was said and how I can respond in an appropriate manner, so yes, I too try to learn from these events.

Thx again for your input!

[Jaquta]

Your husband definitely sounds supportive and knowledgeable.
Perhaps I am under-estimating people's abilities to deal with an emergency?  I'm sure if the worst happened even your daughter would cope.

Perhaps you could be having discussions with people when you do take the extra meds.

I hate to admit this but I actually have limited interest in bipolar.  I am probably more interested in how people cope with it.  People interest me.
Probably this disinterest comes from a period where I attended this depressive support group where a number of participants had bipolar.  All I saw them focus on was medication and ect -two treatments I am pretty against.
My views haven't changed a great deal but I do respect each individual's right to choose these treatments.  My stance is probably stronger than it needs to be but it is because of having being threatened with these treatments.
Having said that, if I were to be diagnosed with bipolar then I would probably take meds.  And I would probably be reading that magazine too.

The anger and nightmares can be worked on through psychotherapy.
I sometimes feel angry about my losses too.  What if there had of been proper intervention earlier during childhood?  What if I hadn't been misdiagnosed?  What if I had of been more appropriately treated?
Like the doctor said, it's about perspective.  And another one he often uses is reality.
It is what it is.

I have read some of your posts in other forums and think you give good advice.  I'm confident that you can work through your own issues.