I don't know how to stop feeling so sad!

[Rhonda]

I am a newlywed of 4 months, and we have already been separted. My husband blames me for everything and then tells me that this is not a war and to stop feeling like a victim. He complains all the time but tells me that I shouldn't take it personally. He won't go to a therpist because he says we doesn't have a problem. I do. He sets rules for the house then breaks them. So when I follow his example he gets angry. He feels its ok to call me a "*****" because he says I am his "*****. He said I was a "*****" when I came to him and I will be a "*****" until I leave him. He feels that I should accept this because he calls all women "*****" but that is not true. He doesn't call his mother one. We he wants attention I am expected to give it no matter what. But he pushes me away and gives me excuses. I have been having thoughts of harming myself because I just got married and I can't go on like this. I want to be happy. HELP ME PLEASE!

[HFHS.MD-AJ]

Rhonda,

I apologise for the delay in replying to your question. Response to our forum has been great and some questions require research. It is unfortunate that you are having difficulties in your marriage. First of all, if you are having thoughts of harming yourself, you need to go to the nearest emergency room for psychiatric evaluation. Often in a marriage, couples develop a pattern of interaction that is difficult to change, even when it is abusive and unrewarding. An assessment by a trained marital counsellor may help both you and your husband. Often, men who are controlling or abusive respond to limit setting by their partners, when such women begin to assert themselves, and show that they are no longer going to tolerate abuse. I urge you to seek counseling, even if your husband will not, to help you decide a course of action in this abusive marriage. Good luck.

[E Cortell]

Just a suggestion for you to consider: your husband might have borderine personality disorder.  For some preliminary information, do a web search on 'borderline personality disorder' and visit some of the resource sites on the web; but it's better you discuss this idea with a professional if and when you enter therapy.

[Linda]

I agree!!! Get out now...Only YOU can help yourself...Make the move, you deserve better.

[Another Cindy in reply to Rhonda]

Let me be the 4th person to agree that you are not the problem in this relationship, and you must take care of yourself. If I were you, I'd get some therapy for myself to try to regain your self esteem and confidence. No human being should take this kind of abuse from anyone.
Verbal and emotional abuse ARE STILL ABUSE and how can you be sure that physical abuse will not follow?
Take care of yourself and try to get some help.  Best of luck.

[Cindy]

He is the one making you feel bad. Get out now before he brain washes you into think this is normal behavior, it is not! He has no respect for you and dosent care about your feelings. P.S. Plese don't think having a child with him will change his behavior because trust me it will not change, it may even get worse! Trust me, NOTHING you do will ever be enough, even if you were the perfect human being (which there is no such thing). There are plenty of loving caring men out there, get out of this relationship ASAP.

[Anon.]

Do you have any family or friends you can turn to?  anyone you can stay with for awhile?  You need to get out of that relationship--regardless of how hard it may be or how much you may still love him.  He is going to persist in claiming that YOU have the problem and you know what?  You DON'T.  He does.  He is emotionally abusing you and sometimes physical abuse isn't far behind.  Take care.

[lisa]

I just wanted to agree with the ohters who have repsonded here and to suggest that you see a therpist even if your husband won't.  It may help you see that no one has the right to call you, or any other women, a *****.  No one deserves to be treated this way and you have every right to do whatever it takes to feel better and to be safe.  Someone who insult you and expects you to "give it no matter what" is abusive. Please get some help and take care of yourself.