I really need an answer.

I was abused as a child both physically, and emotionally, at school I persecuted by my peers, they made me so completly angry. But I never did fight back in words or fists, I just 'swallowed' up my anger, that's the way its been always, until lately, but I have always felt something.  I was always able to control anger. could it be possible that I have a personality disorder? whenever I get angry, its like I go into an intense dreamlike state, I can't see all that well and I feel very disoriented like I am watching myself, and it also feels like I can't control myself.  Once I even lauged psychotically for no reason while having an episode, and I didn't even make that laugh come out.  I feel incredibly strong and enraged when I go into it.  It feels like I move without moving, if you can understand that?  After an episode I completly disoriented, so much that I start to panic, but it passes within about 20 seconds.  And if someone starts hitting me in an episode, or throws something at me and hits me, I seem to ignore or cannot feel the pain.

[HFHS MD-JM]

Matthew,

              What you describe does not necessarily indicate a personality disorder but rather a dissociative state.  Dissociation is the process in which a seperation of  independant functioning of one group of mental processes from others occurs.
               Dissociation is a defense mechanism and is not diagnostic of any specific disorder.  There are a group of 5 different dissociative disorders: Dissociative fugue,identity disorder, amnesia, depersonalization and the residual category NOS.
                 It is not possible for me to diagnose you but it is clear that you have had trouble with anger.  I do believe it would be helpful for you to have a psychiatric evaluation to clarify this issue further.  Psychotherapy may also be helpful.

Sincerely,

HFHS MD-JM

Keywords: Dissociation