I was depressed, then I suddenly wasn't and felt like my old self had simply departed. What happened?

[BB123232]

For six months, I was deeply, chronically depressed.  I couldn't bear to be on this earth, but was not about to commit suicide.  I felt like life was too much for me, and spent most of my time sleeping.  Every night, I asked God to take me from this earth.  One day recently, I woke up and felt like the part of me that fought with herself and God, the one who couldn't deal with anything in daily life, simply left.  I feel like I am what remains, with the same memories and abilities, but not tortured on a daily basis by anger, hurt, and depression.  I no longer feel like I want to leave this earth, and I simply carry about the duties of my daily life instead of sleeping all day.  I wonder if I've experienced dissociation here -- perhaps from my former self?  I don't feel quite like the same person, yet I've researched depersonalization, dissociative identity disorder, dissociative fugue, and other similar disorders, and I don't believe I've suffered any of the above.  I don't feel numb, I don't watch my life from a distance as if it's a movie, and have no loss of time or memory.  What has happened to me?  Is my brain protecting me by preventing me from fighting with myself?  My days just seem very straightforward now, and I can actually do things I need to do without worrying and second-guessing myself.  I don't beg for death every day.  But I wonder about my former self.  She seems to have left and taken all her emotional baggage with her.  She had a relationship with God.  I don't.  If this were a disorder, wouldn't I be worse than I was before?  I'm very curious about this and look forward to your feedback/explanation.

[Jaquta]

After reading your post initially I thought it may have had something to do with the religious theme running through it.
I think perhaps the change was as a result of acceptance.  Acceptance of what, I'm not sure.  Yourself?  God?  A higher being?  (In the sense that you don't have control over many things).

It's interesting how some of us need to feel in control by knowing things and by trying to understand them.

I have felt something similar with my illness.  I have been diagnosed with bpd.
With that I experience periods of negativity and positivity.  Sometimes when life stresses have become too great for me to cope with I shut down or get angry or whatever but block out the negative and channel my emotions towards achieving positive goals.  Sometimes it feels as if a switch has been flicked because for me the change feels that dramatic.
This good or positive or lack of depression is rare for me though.  Maybe one-two weeks every one-three years.

My GP has said he's seen the change you mention.  In the cases he mentioned it was triggered by life events.  The birth of a grandchild, etc.

If it were an answered prayer then I would think that you would be enjoying the opportunity.  In your own way your are showing thanks and gratitude.

Enjoy life while you can.  Moment to moment is often the best way to do this.

Take care
J

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Depression is a state of mind that is organized by how you interpret the world of your life, and your future, and your self worth. I would not use the language of splitting, i.e. refer to the other "her". It is all you. It seems that out of the depth of your depression you simply stepped out of a whole self reenforcing framework that made your life hell, and came to your senses about what was real...if you keep track of what is real, you can protect yourself from that other fictional framework that could suck you into a depressive state.

[zack32]

Where you under extreme stress 6 months ago? Perhaps you just had a break down. Everybody has some kind of breaking point where the brain and body just can't handle it anymore. Just a thought though as I am not a doctor.

[BB123232]

Hi zack32, thanks for weighing in.  I have a long history of depression.  It runs in my family, too.  I don't know that I would call it extreme stress, as it was nothing more than just life.  This latest episode does seem to me to have led to some kind of breakdown, as my former self simply could not function.  Daily life was too much to handle.  Suicide was not an option.  I knew it would have been very simple, but thought that if it went wrong, then to be left here in a physically incapacitated state would have been even worse than doing nothing, so did not attempt it, and literally did absolutely nothing for a long time.  I think a breaking point was reached, and the way I interpret it is that I'm the proverbial phoenix risen out of the ashes.  I'm glad this happened, because I can think clearly and function now.  It's everything my former self wanted, but it's disconcerting and very puzzling as I don't know exactly what it is that happened.  This would have been an answered prayer for her, but if it truly was, wouldn't I be on my knees thanking God?  I rarely even think about God, I just live from moment to moment.  I feel very different -- better -- and wanted to know if others have had this experience.  I read from one on here who woke up completely changed, but for the worse!