Long story short version - explosive disorder? HELP!

I'm hoping someone can help, I am desperate.

My husband has a constellation of symptoms and will not see a professional.  He sought his doctor's opinion about his chronic fatigue/sleepiness 4 years ago, was diagnosed with depression, put on Wellbutrin.  It made him verbally aggressive, extremely irrational and nearly prevented our marriage from happening.  He also punched a hole in our bedroom wall during an argument over something really trivial.

I convinced him to see another doctor.  Seeing the depression diagnosis (which neither os us thinks is correct), the new DR  prescribed Zoloft in place of the Wellbutrin.  It was better, and eased his social anxiety and what he calls "sensitive skin", which I believe to be part of a heightened startle response he gets.  This happens more when he is tired, but seems to always have it.  After 2 years of semi-successful treatment, the Zoloft just quit working.  He was switched to Lexapro.  It was like Wellbutrin all over.

My husband will not argue rationally.  It's as if he "punishes" me with these rages when I try talking to him about things.  He twists words and his responses are completely out of whack for the issues.  It's almost like a child throwing a violent tantrum.  DO NOT TELL HIM HE'S WRONG.  Do not remind him of anything he should do around the house.  I was wrong to suggest  exercise to boost his energy (the reason he threw our coffee table repeatedly tonight).  He demands that other people "work on themselves", yet he will not do the same.

This is not some lover's spat, nor is it an isolated incident.  Maybe this all sounds simple and trite, but it is a real problem.  I do not instigate these episodes, and I never know what if going to set him off.  Maybe nothing, maybe anything.

My husband is a bright guy, college educated engineer who is usually very rational.  It's like Jeckyll and Hyde.

I'd give anything if I just knew where to begin researching.  This all has me so perplexed.  I thought intermittent explosive disorder sounded similar, but it seems rather extreme.  Could the anxiety be causing all of this?  

He's distant, lacks affection and understanding of why people need affection.  He has few social connections and prefers it so.  He is extremely judgemental, particularly of anyone who shows feelings or the need for affection, but not all the time.  He makes an excellent cynic, and is proud!

He gets extremely defensive, and becomes highly irrational when he is in defensive mode.  He uses anything I've ever told him in confidence against me, deliberately, and when he finally reduces me to tears, he uses that against me.

I'm stumped.  I'm really considering just leaving because I can't deal with this anymore and his behavior scares me. I need direction, suggestions on which avenue to pursue for helping him, I'm just lost and getting very depressed myself.

Outside of this, our life together is good.  Great, even.  But this has the enormity to ruin it all.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

The way to approach this is through marital counseling where both of you see  a psychologist together.  This suggestion may work if you let him know how distressed you are about the way he is treating you and misunderstanding you. Therefore you are both going to get a better understanding of each other...that should help him not feel attacked, and maybe be cooperative. You should expect two outcomes from the therapy..one is a better marriage and the other is for him to recognize some of these problems and become open to getting help for his part.

[sdc1213]

Wow this sounds a lot like my father. Acting like a kid, throwing tantrums and feeling as he's the victim. He may have a bipolar disorder that the medication is making him lash out someway. I'm not a doctor but my father has the same exact problems and he's bipolar w/o medication. Try and see a medication doctor and a shrink that's what I would do, but as long as he's up for it you don't want to push him into a direction he doesn't want to go because then he'll lash out even more.

Good luck and I feel your pain,
Steve

[bizzyboyzx2]

That sounds exactly like me, my father,my brother and two of my sisters. I was put on Zoloft for PMDD, and it totally alleviated the rage as well as the depression (though I'm sure counseling could certainly help). Unfortunately, I went off of the Zoloft due to the weight gain and sexual side effects and switched to Wellbutrin and the rage has returned with a vengeance. You mentioned something about your husband's "thin skin," and I have to concur that I have that issue, too, and am wondering about posttraumatic stress disorder related to my father's behavior when I was a child. Whenever I am startled, I want to physically strike out at the person who startled me. I don't know if it is part of the "rage disorder," as my sister calls it, or PTSD. Anyway, I would highly recommend Zoloft, as I have been taking it for nearly five years and, at the age of 40, I am just now beginning to cherish my life and my relationships, especially my relationship with my husband. Zoloft turned my life around. Best wishes to you. I have been in your shoes, and so, unfortunately, has my husband.

[hunterwillow]

Your husband really needs to go to a mental health specialist.  He sounds like my father, who has bipolar disorder.  I don't think you will see an improvement in your marriage until your husband finds the right medication(s). If he has a mood disorder, it may take some persistance to find the right combinations of therapy.  I don't believe he will be open to counseling until he is thinking clearly and in the right frame of mind.  
Growing up with my father was miserable.  We walked on eggshells to avoid his tantrums. After we were grown and out of their house, my mother finally had had enough.  She was ready to divorce him if he didn't go get help.  He now takes medication that tames his "inner beast".  It has saved my parents marriage and my relationship with him.  

Just for the record, no amount of talking made a difference in my dad's behaviour until he took medication to help correct the CHEMICAL IMBALANCE in his brain.

I also have bipolar, and I see it emerging in my son. I have taken medicine for depression for many years,  just recently been diagnosed bipolar.  My symtoms (symptoms) are milder than my dad's.    
It is important to be persistant and not give up.  The quality of our lives is so much better.