Aa
Overcoming Death of Wife
My wife and I were Married for 49 years. She died on 3/6/03. During the last 2 1/2 years she was bed-bound and I was her caregiver at home. We knew she had an incurable disease, but the finality of her death is more than I can bear. I find no joy in life anymore. I am consumed with thoughts of our life together. Pictures, places, words, etc. etc. bring me to tears. I visit the cemetary daily although I know she is with God and all our friends and relatives in heaven and we will all be together again someday. I did not know that her death would have the effect on me that it does. If I could find a way of being with her I would want to pursue that avenue of relief. I have 3 sons who have families of their own and are trying the best they know how to help me. Will these feelings subside with time? Should I seek medical help? Do you have any suggestions? Are there any audio or video tapes that discuss thi situation? Thanks, Frank.
Thanks to all who have commented on the recent loss of my wife. All the replys were very helpful to me. I would like to suggest a Program called Grief Share. Particulars can be viewed at www.griefshare.com, I am enrolled in the program and it has been very helpful to me
God Bless and thanks again.
God Bless and thanks again.
great advice!
p.s i believe we all have a pre destined time to check out of this crazy world and we shouldnt take that in to our own hands i mean think about it once we all meet our loved ones on the other side we have all the time in the universe to be with them. enjoy the time with everyone down here and experience life on this side good luck
i feel your pain man im a 19 year old male and was involved a year and a half ago in an incident in which i was shot and my best friend(17 at the time) was shot and killed less than 3 feet from me. i dealt with it for the past year by being thinking of him everyday but the worst mistake i did was i think i didnt quite deal with it properley by getting drunk all the time and being numb to it which in turn caused me to develop a lot of anxiety i think if you have to cry everday and be sad for a while and grieve properly it will help you in the long run not any kind of medication. that will only mask the problems because being a young guy who didnt really know how to deal with my emotions made it harder for me in the long run. where has his mother who cried her eyes out and prayed everyday is doing a lot better today than i am. trust me man it will get better just dealing with your emotions and being sad is healthy not taking medicine. just pray and be happy of the time you spent with her.
Dear Frank
So sorry you are going through this awful time.
Facing a loved one's death and the meaning of your own life and hers is the crux of what it is to be human.. and noone is immune from this.
Know that at this time you are not alone and infact each and every person in the universe has or will go through this huge loss, and this process is infact what binds us all and makes us human.
It is probably the greatest challenge that we ever have to face, and i'm sure in time you will be able to be at peace.
much love,
Peggy
So sorry you are going through this awful time.
Facing a loved one's death and the meaning of your own life and hers is the crux of what it is to be human.. and noone is immune from this.
Know that at this time you are not alone and infact each and every person in the universe has or will go through this huge loss, and this process is infact what binds us all and makes us human.
It is probably the greatest challenge that we ever have to face, and i'm sure in time you will be able to be at peace.
much love,
Peggy
Dear Frank,
I too am in a similar situation, in that I am greiving over the death of my mother, with whom I took care of since she became disabled when I was 22yrs old and am now 40. I never married, am a nurse, and she became not just my mother, but my best friend, soul mate, life partner. She died 10 months ago, and I mourn her death everyday. A few words of advice. Don't let anyone put a time limit on your grieving process. It is different for everyone, but the pain is no greater or lessor than anyone elses. It is HORRIBLE! I have had my ups and downs in my life, but I have never experienced anything like this emotionally, and was never prepared for or expected my reactions to her death. This has been the most devestating event in my life, I crashed. Someone I had been with since I could just say Goo goo, was suddenly GONE! No one I have spoken to in my age group has gone through this, and cannot fathom the depth of my grief, and after the initial condolences they have backed off, and I am alone with it. I sought out grief counseling, and only ran into some kooks, but I don't want to dissuade you from giving it a try, because you will need to vocalize your pain, express your grief, and do your "grief work", there are some good counsellors out there, I was just unfortunate in running into the ones I did. When I hit bottom and found no one around me who could hear me, and everyone shy'd clear of me, one blessing I discovered was that God could hear me. I bought books about grief, bereavment etc. but they only gave me frame references as to what I might expect. I was seeking relief from this terrible pain in my heart and soul, a way out of the black abyss, and try to get my feet back on the ground from the swirling whirlwind that has kept me from finding my place in time and space. It only seems like the other week she died. I made the mistake of going to a psychiatrist who tried me on one anti-depressant medication after another. For some people these drugs work, for me they had horrible side effect. Then I was place on Klonipin, which seemed to help (for a while). Then I needed more and more of it to keep the desired effect, which was not to feel so bad, but soon realized after some research that anti-anxiety medications can prolong the grief, and now that I want off the medication found out that it has some nasty withdrawal symptoms including Grand Mal Seizures, and rebound depression. So I have to keep on the medication and slowly wean, (slowly in that Klonipin inhibits an important neurotransmitter called GABA or gamma-aminobutyric acid which inhibits other neurotransmitters that are excitatory). By just stopping the medication the GABA that we normally produce does not come back to normal levels all at once, but takes months to return, and in the meantime all the exitatory neurotransmitters run amuck and can short circuit the brain so to speak and cause seizures and severe withdrawal symptoms. I don't mean to scare you, just educate you, because I went to doctors and they prescribed this medication to me without telling me what it would do.
I won't get into all the details of my grief, but one day, 9 months after my mother died, I wrote her a letter. I know it was a one way conversation, but it was communication none the less, and this helped me tremendously. I was talking to Mama. And in doing this I was able to distinguish the fact that I had accepted her loss, but had somehow entertwined the belief that I was responsible for her death for taking her to that crappy hospital, and they mismanaged her care and she died as a result of it. Knowing my Mother, she would forgive me anything, even though I was just doing what I thought was the best for her. I write to her often now, sometimes just to say good morning while drinking coffee and having a "ciggy" like she and I always did.
Frank, there is no "one sure cure" for grief. And like the doctor said, you don't get over it, you learn after some time to just live with it. Don't try to put it behind you so quickly because if not fully expressed to its entirety, it will bite you on the fanny later.
If you want to communicate with me further, you can contact me at andrea.***@**** my e-mail address. I have found other resources that may aid you during this terrible time, and talking with someone who is actually there and knows what you are feeling, truly feeling, is very beneficial.
Love and peace,
Andrea
I too am in a similar situation, in that I am greiving over the death of my mother, with whom I took care of since she became disabled when I was 22yrs old and am now 40. I never married, am a nurse, and she became not just my mother, but my best friend, soul mate, life partner. She died 10 months ago, and I mourn her death everyday. A few words of advice. Don't let anyone put a time limit on your grieving process. It is different for everyone, but the pain is no greater or lessor than anyone elses. It is HORRIBLE! I have had my ups and downs in my life, but I have never experienced anything like this emotionally, and was never prepared for or expected my reactions to her death. This has been the most devestating event in my life, I crashed. Someone I had been with since I could just say Goo goo, was suddenly GONE! No one I have spoken to in my age group has gone through this, and cannot fathom the depth of my grief, and after the initial condolences they have backed off, and I am alone with it. I sought out grief counseling, and only ran into some kooks, but I don't want to dissuade you from giving it a try, because you will need to vocalize your pain, express your grief, and do your "grief work", there are some good counsellors out there, I was just unfortunate in running into the ones I did. When I hit bottom and found no one around me who could hear me, and everyone shy'd clear of me, one blessing I discovered was that God could hear me. I bought books about grief, bereavment etc. but they only gave me frame references as to what I might expect. I was seeking relief from this terrible pain in my heart and soul, a way out of the black abyss, and try to get my feet back on the ground from the swirling whirlwind that has kept me from finding my place in time and space. It only seems like the other week she died. I made the mistake of going to a psychiatrist who tried me on one anti-depressant medication after another. For some people these drugs work, for me they had horrible side effect. Then I was place on Klonipin, which seemed to help (for a while). Then I needed more and more of it to keep the desired effect, which was not to feel so bad, but soon realized after some research that anti-anxiety medications can prolong the grief, and now that I want off the medication found out that it has some nasty withdrawal symptoms including Grand Mal Seizures, and rebound depression. So I have to keep on the medication and slowly wean, (slowly in that Klonipin inhibits an important neurotransmitter called GABA or gamma-aminobutyric acid which inhibits other neurotransmitters that are excitatory). By just stopping the medication the GABA that we normally produce does not come back to normal levels all at once, but takes months to return, and in the meantime all the exitatory neurotransmitters run amuck and can short circuit the brain so to speak and cause seizures and severe withdrawal symptoms. I don't mean to scare you, just educate you, because I went to doctors and they prescribed this medication to me without telling me what it would do.
I won't get into all the details of my grief, but one day, 9 months after my mother died, I wrote her a letter. I know it was a one way conversation, but it was communication none the less, and this helped me tremendously. I was talking to Mama. And in doing this I was able to distinguish the fact that I had accepted her loss, but had somehow entertwined the belief that I was responsible for her death for taking her to that crappy hospital, and they mismanaged her care and she died as a result of it. Knowing my Mother, she would forgive me anything, even though I was just doing what I thought was the best for her. I write to her often now, sometimes just to say good morning while drinking coffee and having a "ciggy" like she and I always did.
Frank, there is no "one sure cure" for grief. And like the doctor said, you don't get over it, you learn after some time to just live with it. Don't try to put it behind you so quickly because if not fully expressed to its entirety, it will bite you on the fanny later.
If you want to communicate with me further, you can contact me at andrea.***@**** my e-mail address. I have found other resources that may aid you during this terrible time, and talking with someone who is actually there and knows what you are feeling, truly feeling, is very beneficial.
Love and peace,
Andrea
MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL
Frank, I am sorry to hear of your loss. There is a normal grief process that takes time..months to get throught the acute phase you are now in, and getting better and more hopeful all of the time. But, it some other ways, grief never ends...YOu may be feeling fine for weeks at a time, and suddenly have a new wave of pain and anguish. Those are the feeling-intelligence of your body-mind. You just have to go through it, day by day, each day putting more time into your own life and future, but never forgetting.
You can ask your doctor for some temporary medications, like Celexa or Zoloft, to help your mood a little bit, but don't take too much, just enough to help you through.
You must keep your life moving even while you are grieving.
You can ask your doctor for some temporary medications, like Celexa or Zoloft, to help your mood a little bit, but don't take too much, just enough to help you through.
You must keep your life moving even while you are grieving.
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