Problem lieing to wife and masterbating

[GLS]

I have a problem with not being able to tell my wife when i do something wrong. I would rather lie to her then tell her the truth, thinking that I will get away with it. I also have a bigger problem with masterbating everyday she is not home. I have a 18 month son and I am 29 years old. I know what I am doing is wrong but for some reason I cannot stop.  My marriage is falling apart and I need help.  Do you have any suggestions

[oganzo]

Let me start by first thanking whoever started this programme.
Masterbation is something that has taken me for more than 28 years now. I started this behaviour as early as from standard two
i.e primary school, this continued even to the secondary, now i'm married with 2 children and still masterbating. I don't know if i'm sastisfying mywife with sex or not.

Please can someone sowhere advise me what to do to stop the behaviour?

[ladybug13]

It's nice to know another women understands and can see how devastating it can be to your self esteem and emotional well being. But, what I am finding is that i have to start dealing with the real issue which is the insecurity with myself.  I am an attractive person and need to feel that about myself.  thank you for posting your comment and know that we are not the only ones having to deal with this.  I take it you are no longer together?  If not, I am sorry!
Ladybug13

[pinenut]

Hi ladybug,

Just wanted to let you know that as a woman, I understand what you're going through. I experienced a similar situation years ago with my boyfriend, and it hurt me terribly.  When we met, I was open to masturbation (I did it myself), but offended as a woman by pornography, and it also made me feel less attractive.  He was never interested, either.  A few years later, i found a few magazines while cleaning, and showed them to him, crying, asking him what it was about, saying i didn't think he was a guy who was into that stuff, etc.  he looked at me, told me i was crazy, and ignored it....it's a longer story, but it hurt me really bad.  I was very young, very interested in sex--with him, and showed him my interest.  i'm also pretty attractive, or at least i'll say i was then, and could have had many dates, but wanted him.  i had no interest in other men; so how, i thought, could he have an interest in other women, in that form esp.  i was there, interested, almost all the time, and would have done anything for him.  he was going through a very hard time and i know he was depressed...

anyway, i wanted to let you know i understand  :)

[ladybug13]

Email sounds great...mine is b.***@**** to hear from you soon!  Seems like we may have lots to talk about!:)  Depression and anxiety are a new area I am jumping into, not by choice, but it could help to have someone to listen.  I guess that's why I came to the forum in the first place, eh?
Ladybug13

[kurt85]

I see somewhat where your confusion lies. . .in other words, "What do they (other women/pics of other women with large breasts) have that I do not?"  The answer may be nothing -- just that he gets his thrill from looking at the variety of what's in the "produce section", so to speak.  :)

It seems that men are somehow more programmed to do this than are women (at least in general).  Perhaps something to do with culture, evolution. . .most likely a combination of things that make us all into pigs, deep down.  :)  The problem seems to be not only that he is looking at others, but perhaps that you do not have enough reassurance from him that *you* (and *yours*, of course) are the nicest, prettiest, etc., if for no other reason than because of the person they are attached to.

Some people, in addition to perhaps being porn addicts, can be sex addicts as well.  I believe I went through a phase like this myself, and it nearly destroyed my marriage (long story best saved for the Jerry Springer show -- or better yet, not retained at all).  The rush of chemicals in the brain that accompany the feelings of arousal and orgasm can in and of themselves be very addictive, and the only way the brain can get more is to persuade the body to pursue more and more of these experiences, be they by oneself of with a partner and/or partners.

Just a shot in the dark (well, so to speak ;) -- has your man ever been treated or evaluated for depression?  I am a chronic, lifelong depressive who has just recently been experiencing a remission due to an outstanding new medication, but I remember that in the past oftentimes my masturbation went up in direct relation to how down I was feeling.  The rationale perhaps being that at least *something* could feel good. . .

By the way, and on a completely extraneous note, I agree with your man on at least two things -- breasts are also my favorite female body part, and I absolutely hate the fake ones.  Don't know personally whether they're hard or soft to the touch, but to me they just look repulsive.  I can truly say that I have nothing against breasts, be they a handful or a mountain -- just as long as they are there, and natural.  :)

Good talking with you, too.  Let me know how things are going.  If you'd like, I can send you my email address (which, though I'm not always right on top of, I check a little more often than this forum these days).  If not, no big deal.  Take care.

Peace,
Kurt

[ladybug13]

I want to thank you for your advice on this topic...it makes it easier just talking about it, but I find myself geting sooooo angry at him, and down deep, iknow it isn't entirely his "fault" so to say!  I just wonder what his fascination is with it.  and what drives him to have to look at it.  the worst part is because i have seen everything he looks at, i know what his likes are (breasts), and anytime, no matter where we are, i am consciously aware that he is noticing, looking, and being attracted to them.  I shouldn't have a problem with it because really, i am well endowed in that area...it has always been my best physical asset!  :)  But sometimes i feel like if they were bigger, then it would make a difference, and when i tell him i would like to get enlarged, he gets very angry at me and says he would leave me because he couldn't be with someone with fake breasts..."they are too hard and you can't grab them"!  Do you see my confusion?
Rainbows...
Ladybug

[kurt85]

Masturbating daily is not in and of itself a problem, especially for someone 29 years old (and especially when your wife is not around).  Lying about it seems to indicate that it is something that your wife would not approve of or which you are ashamed of.   As I see it, the only time masturbation could be a problem in a relationship is when it depletes your resources and/or desire for sex with your partner, or becomes a substitute or preference to sex.  Other objections tend to be strong religious or other forms of learned guilt, usually from misinformed parents or other relatives. which is unfortunate but all too common, even in the Brave New World of 2001.

Providing you are satisfying your wife, whether you masturbate once a day or once an hour should not be an issue (of course, this would be extreme -- even compulsive, not to mention *way* sore -- but you get the idea).  In addition to being the safest form of sex, masturbation relieves tension and can be a very healthy and normal experience.  Unless I am extremely tired, I usually do it nightly just before sleep (I call it my natural sleeping pill -- and the best part is, I can roll over and go to sleep afterwards and I don't mind a bit!  :)  I have even used it this way just after my wife and I have sex, if I still feel aroused and she wants to sleep.  On other occasions, she has watched/helped/or just snuggled me while I do it myself, and she has done it in front of me as well, if one or the other of us does not feel up to "conventional" sex.

We are a normal (well, mostly), healthy, 33 year old married couple for going on ten years (and have been dating since high school).  Any other opinions would be appreciated.

Peace,
Kurt

[ladybug13]

I have some more thoughts on the subject...I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me.  I have gone as far as to involve myself in it (with him of course, and at times on my own).  It has opened a whole new sexual world for me which I very much enjoy, but it just seems that more often than not, our sex is involving some kind of movie or whatever, and it makes me feel as though he has to be aroused by that before he can be with me; when the movie is on, there is no foreplay, and he doesn't even look at me.  That is my problem with it.  I've confronted him and he swears it has nothing to do with me and that he is attracted to me.  But if he knows how much it hurts me, why won't he at least try to "curb his appetite"?  know what i mean?
ladybug13

[kurt85]

Not that it's any of my business, but. . .why would your boyfriend's masturbation make you feel hurt and unattractive?  Does he do this exclusively, without satisfying you?  Does it deplete him so much so that he cannot take care of you?  Is there pornography involved, such that he uses that instead of looking at you, which makes you feel less than attractive?

I realize that these are personal questions, and you are under no obligation to respond, but. . .it seems odd to me that his masturbation should affect you so strongly unless it is impacting your sexual satisfaction somehow.  I know that, personally, I wouldn't care if my wife masturbated daily (and she well may, for all I know) as long as she was there for me when I wanted to make love to her, which she is.  Only respond if you want to, but it does make me curious as to what the real issue/s is/are.

Peace,
Kurt

[ladybug13]

In response to Kurt, yes there is pornography involved and at first, that is what bothered me the most.  While I was lying in bed, he would get up and go to the bathroom to masturbate.  I have caught him numerous times, and have discussed my problem with it, but it never seemed to make a difference to him.  He just tried to find better ways to hide it.  Still, I always caught him.  Magazines, movies, the internet, you name it.  Our sex life is very good, but for some reason I just can't get past this issue.  I try very hard to not let it bother me, but it does.  Why am I not good enough?  How can we have great sex and then when I fall asleep he gets up to go masturbate 2 more times, while I am in the other room?  Why not just wake me up?  It's not like I am not willing!!!!  Maybe it is hard for you to understand my point of view, but I can't understand choosing a substitute for the real thing when it's right in front of your face.

[kurt85]

Thanks for your clarification.  Of all the possibilities, I had a hunch that pornography was involved.  This can be a kind of addiction in and of itself, if it gets to the point where it is aeither always involved in your sex life with your husband.  The worst case is if he should come to depend on it to become aroused to perform with you.  I can certainly understand your feelings of hurt and unattractiveness if this would be the case.

If he is, in your opinion, too dependent on this as a form of stimulation (especially when you, the woman whom he loves, is willing to please him yourself), and will not listen to your concerns/wishes that he rid himself of this material, then he does have a problem with pornography addiction.  This is a very real problem that has broken up relationships the same way substance abuse can.  Not that you asked, and not that you haven't tried already, but my advice would be for him to seek help with this problem in that it is interfering with your relationship and his ability to become naturally aroused by sex with you (or anyone, for that matter).  It is not that you are unattractive or undesirable, Ladybug -- it is just that your boyfriend has a problem.  The fact that he has a problem may not be his fault at all -- it is likely something he had no choice about, like other illnesses.  It *is*, however, his responsibility to seek help to deal with it.  Please let me know how you are doing with this, and if you'd like (or if you think it best not to), please share this with him.

Peace,
Kurt

[ladybug13]

I understand your problem but from another angle.  I have lived with my boyfriend for two years now, and although he isn't a liar, he does have a problem with masturbating, and it has been an issue for awhile now.  I don't think I need to tell you how hurt and unattractive it makes me feel, not to mention the fact that I feel like it is for some reason my fault.  What I don't understand is "WHY?!?!?!"!  Why can't you stop, and what makes you feel like you need to do it?  Wouldn't you rather be with your wife?  Have you noticed that it happens more so when you lie to her?  I really think if you love your wife and want to make this marriage work you need to get couples counseling, and try to work this problem out.  Is maturbation worth losing your wife and child over?
ladybug13

[silvercomet]

Though it sounds as though your problems aren't as serious as my former spouse's, I suspect that you are depressed... go see a Doctor! My ex was addicted to phone sex (among other things) and it was the rush of the high from doing it all the time and lying to me that enabled him to cope with the depression. Get help now before your marriage ends.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

this is the kind of situation that usually can be worked out well with a skilled therapist.  You should seek someone you can talk to first who will also be able to see you and your wife together for marriage counseling. Its important to do this sooner rather than later, especially with a young son at home.