Re: Domineering parents

[Karan]

Dear Dr Gould,

My father used to work in a very senior position in government in my country (in South Asia) when I was a kid. He used to talk only about himself and his work all the time, and surrounding himself with people who used to suck up to him (including my mother). He was always critical of everybody and everything...everyone else was a "buffoon" or an "idiot" compared to him.

The only good thing he had to say about me was that I was intelligent and would do well in life because I had inherited his genes!!! Oh yes, either that or because the Almightly took pity on me because of all his good work for the common people!!! He and my mother could never bring themselves to say a positive word about my work and effort, or to even look at my school reports. The only things they ever talked about was how great they were and their high position in society.

So even though I am now in a top Ivy League school in the U.S on a scholarship, their arrogant and callous attitude when I was a kid continues to bother me...to such an extent that I have started ignoring my work and my future, and keep thinking about how they could treat me so badly and not even been aware of it!!

I have tried to communicate my sense of hurt to them (an expensive process for a student given the high charges for international calls), but their only response is - "Focus on the present. We don't want to discuss what happened in the past. Put it behind you."

My problem is that I just can't!!! I think their attitude and lack of attention when I was a kid has left some permanent scars on me, and left me with a total lack of confidence in myself. Nothing I do can ever good enough in their eyes...and sometimes (particularly nowadays) I keep thinking if it's even worth trying.    
    
I don't know how to get out of this mess. They are not willing to change their attitude or entertain any questions about their past. Obviously children are never supposed to question or "accuse" even the most callous parents, particularly in Asia!. So basically I am not getting any help from them since they are the same people they were 10 years back. My siblings are much older than me, successful in life, and are totally concerned only with their own lives. I think they realized pretty early on that they had to take care of themselves and would not get much support from my parents.

I think I am in a emotional trap where I want my parents to give me some credit for something at least once, but at the back of my mind I know that they never will (It hasn't happened in our last 1000 phone conversations).

I think I will have to go it alone and find some remedy all by myself before I screw up my life and my future totally!!

Can you please help?  

PS: I think I am a reasonably normal person. I have friends and have a good relationship with my room-mate and my professors. I am perhaps a bit of an introvert (or perhaps just plain lazy) and I don't do sports or physical activity.

[richwill]

It's fascinating to read this ..
I have spent 2 yrs in psychotherapy (luckily with a
wonderful guy) working out why I feel so bad as a human
being.
My father is a hard working/earning Yorkshire man
who is now retired. He speaks in superlatives all the time
about his job, what he owns, how he does everything ...
all in very grandiose terms. He hates so much and looks
down on nearly everyone (and those whom he admires are
blessed by his light he shines on them ....). He has always been like this. My mother is sweet and gentle but ... always
supported him in everyhing, she was never on my side as
a child (at least I don't remember her being).
I ran away at just 16. Prostituted myslf in London until
I found some security with a partner.
Now im 48 and i constantly want to run away. I can't achieve
anything to benefit ME. I can't diet, excercise, apply for
jobs (I do have a steady one but I'm frequently off sick
I almost wish to be ill so I can go to DR. and be signed off).
I have no conclusions. I know my parents had their own
up-bringing story but I cant forgive. I drink heavily
the only thing I can do with consistency but I'm not an
alcoholic.
I am terrified to die but i look forward to jetisoning
all this sadness and regret.
thank you reading this

[Saltwaterfishin]

Hi Karen,

I understand what you are saying and agree with what you say.  Unfortunately, "children" like us (I'm 44) are left to learn things on our own and not from our parents.  We will have to find love and companionship from others and not look to our families.  At least now you are on your own, away from the uncaring parents and able to begin your new life with more caring people.  I can tell by the words that you use that you will do very well in life.  I can tell you are quite smart (perhaps a result from your parents forcing you to be so) and I'm impressed with the language you use.  I can also tell that you are a sensitive, caring person.  Now use that wonderful brain of yours to focus more on convincing yourself that you ARE a wonderful person and that it was your parents who had the problems.  Next time you see them, confront them with a written list of specific incidents and ask them what they were thinking at the time or what motivated their behavior.  It will be VERY hard to get them off their high horse.  I only got less than a minute of "honesty" from my father.  But I did learn a lot about him from what he said.  For example, he wanted to be a singer, but his parents forced him to be a doctor.  As your parents age, you will begin to feel a bit sorry for them, for they were the ones who missed out on the love.  You will also find that if you have children, that they "might" have realized their mistake and treat their grandchildren better than they treated you and your siblings.  But the only thing you can do is to try to forgive them and realize that there are some people who don't really know how to have a loving family.  Our parents are just people, with emotional problems like you and I.  Perhaps their problems are worse than ours.

Jay

[Karan]

Hi Saltwaterfishin,

You are lucky your Mom wrote you a letter saying that she was apologetic and offered to help, even though she blamed your father. Most people just have to live through it and try to figure out things themselves...even then a cold and unloving mother is pretty hard to figure out. The first person whose eyes you look into is your mom's, and if she doesn't seem friendly and loving and welcoming, you start thinking (actually feeling, since infants can't think), "Where the hell have I landed up? Are the rest of the people going to be like this?"

The key to feeling good about yourself is having at least one important person in the world feel good about having you here. If the most important people in your crucial years of childhood make you feel you are not wanted or are just a byproduct of their passions, its difficult to start liking yourself or what you are doing...

[Karan]

Hi, I don't know what the standard for parents is (or even whether they should be held accountable), but mine were pretty bad at least by mine. They were not abusive parents, but they were indifferent and self-centered.

What made it worse was their hypocrisy. For instance, they would praise themselves for their numerous sacrifices, like giving up going to parties and spending more time at home...yet do exactly the opposite. They would preach moral values like humility and caring for others, yet not be bothered about others.

What lesson can a child learn from such people? What do you call a father who constantly shows off in front of his young children, who are totally helpless against this onslaught, and makes them feel inferior? What do you call a mother who doesn't care a damn what happens to her kids as long as her own social and financial position is safe?

Most of us know that the world is gradually turning into an extremely competitive place for professionals in most fields, and how well one does in this world is dependent on how well-equipped one is physically, mentally and emotionally to face the challenges.

My firm belief is that parents have a duty to do their best to prepare their kids by teaching and setting examples of moral values, good work habits, commitment, sincerity, dedication, proper use of valuable time, the importance of learning new things and being open to ideas, adequate financial skills (like using a bank checking and investment account), and most importantly, a risk-taking attitude.

In other words, the days of parents "bringing home the bacon" is gone. Now better take time off to teach the kid to fish or your kid is going to drown in a jiffy.

[Saltwaterfishin]

Karen,  Oh by the way....also FORGIVE AND LOVE THEM for who they are.  They don't know any better.  It's just how THEY are.  In my case, I try to remember that they grew up during the "great depression" here in America and were taught to be very cheap and save every penny.  I also try to think about the families they came from.  My fathers parents were cold/unloving people, so that's what he learned.  My mothers parents were loving, but had problems of their own too.

[Saltwaterfishin]

Hi Karen,

I understand your situation all too well.  My father was a highly respected doctor and my parents were pillars of the community.  Symphonys, operas, ballets, fund raisers...you name it.  They were also VERY bad parents.  Not only were they like yours, but they were physically, and emotionally abusive too.  I was the "scapegoat" of the family and got everything much worse than my siblings.  One of the best things that I've done for myself was to CONFRONT my parents.  I wrote down specific incidents that hurt me and gave each of them a copy of it.  That way they had it in writing in front of them.  I also finally figured out that I was not a bad kid as my parents made me feel, but that THEY had problems and were/are a mismatched couple.  They are still together and next year will be their 50th wedding anniversary, but they still don't know how to show love, either to each other, or to us as their children.  One good note is that my mother did admit that she was a bad mother and that she was dealing with her own problems and didn't know how to handle her children.  She wrote me a letter of apology and told me that if she could help me in any way, she would try.  Of course my mother blamed my father and my father blamed my mother for all the problems.  So, my friend Karen...my advice to you, is to dump all the stuff that your parents did to you right back in their laps....and figure out once and for all that you are a good/lovable/loving person.  When I did that, it felt like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders!

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Karan, first of all, you should think of getting some help at the student counseling service at your school.  There are trained professionals there who will help you think this through...its not a matter of one simple insight.

Your parents are who they are, and I am sure your observations and conclusions are correct.  That is the reality you have had to deal with and what you will continue to deal with.

Their behavior can't leave "scars" in your mind.  What you seem to be dealing with now is your anger at them. In doing that you are more fully recognizing your disappointed and are tempted to punish them by failing to perform.  On some level this is the punishment that fits the crime.  

The problem is that it also ruins your life when you use yourself as an instrument of revenge.  There are better ways to deal with your ambivalence...your anger on one hand and your dependency on what they say on the other hand.

Try the counseling service.  You can also begin to do some work on this at the www. masteringstress.com program.

[lucylucy]

Dear Karan..

I suspect your anxiety does stem back to your growing up years, and your father's grandeiose attitude, and your mother's blind devotion to him, and their indifference towards you.  My experience is similiar in that my father was very aggressive and very grandeiose, and my mother very nuerotic and submissive.  I grew up in a volatile household with father always screaming and yelling.  I was petrified on a day to day basis.  

My father still is grandeiose and thinks he has insights noone else has..  As an adult, i can see his personality borders on psychotic, as he does believe he has "special powers".  

Growing up with mental parents is no fun.  As a result, i have anxiety, depression, and occassional depersonalisation which is just awful.

The best advice my psychiatrist gave me is to move away as much as i can (spiritually and emotionally) from my parents, and to not feel GUILTY.  Mourn the relationship you wanted to have, but never did with them, and move on.  The dream will never come true, in that u will never be able to force them to see logic and behave normally.

good luck,
Love, Peggy