Scared of being alone

I have always been an independent person but I have always had my family to fall back on.  I have never married or had children. I like reading, listening to music and gardening - all individual pursuits.  I have a good job but don't make friends easily and mostly keep to myself.  

My mom died when I was in my 20's, my only brother when I was in my 30's and my Dad remarried.  When his second wife died I moved back home with him.  Previously I had bought my own house.  We get along well and leave each other to go their own way but have a routine together. I have always had low self esteem, been overweight but have made my own way happily going along - till now:

However, my Dad is 78 and lately I am pretified to the point of panic that when he dies I will be left totally alone in the world.  I am 53. I don't know what is wrong with me.  I can't sleep some night worrying. I have never been like this - I always envisioned being rather Katherine Hepburnish in my old age and continuing on pretty much as I do now till I die. I have never given death much thought either but now I can't even let myself go there or I panic. The thought of ceasing to exist can send me over - though I do believe in God.

I have always been a cheerful person never given to anxiety or depression.  I don't know what is up with me?  I know both death and being alone is inevitable given the results of how I have lived my life so far but it never bothered me before. I am off on a month's vacation - maybe I am just slowing down and having time to think?  Is it Christmas - as I know in the future I will be alone and I love Christmas? To tell the truth though this has been coming for a few months - gradually.

Please help me - I don't know what to do and want to go on being happy till the end. How can I get my head together?  Why is this happening to me now?

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

YOu have been comfortable and happy being alone and not forming a new family because your original family has been a safe place to go back too.  Now you are thinkiing about losing the last piece of your safety net and are exposed to a set of fears that you have delayed dealing with, but all people do need to deal with.  This happens at this time of life...death is in view in a new way and you have to make your peace with it.  I have written a book about this..called transformations.  I think it is out of print, but can be found online at my website, for members, at www.masteringstress.com.

You can live happily, but first you must take some time to deal with this.  Another approach would be to look at your weight problem as a psychological way of staying alone and insulated. You can get some help with that at www. masteringfood.com.

[SBoat]

Some of the feeling you express, in my opinion, are normal. I know they can feel overwhelming at times. Talking one on one to a therapist may be helpful. Talking to your doctor might be a good idea.
My father is elderly and I have some of your same fears. I do not share a household with him, however.
You might also explore if a hormonal issue is brewing. I say this because I have problems in that arena and was surprised how it can wreck havoc with my mood and emotions. I hated admitting that, but it was true for me.
I hope you work it out.

[jane eyre]

Thank you all for your reply and comment. I was sure you would come back and tell me to make an effort to meet people - through church or work or accepting social opportunities which I have avoided in the past so as to build up a network of friends when I am alone.
That's one of the "helps" I have been able to think of, and is my plan going forward.  

I will also make a real effort to lose weight which will help me be more social going forward. Now I need a little comfort here - do you agree that this is the right direction for me to take?   as well as the other advice you have offered?

[SBoat]

Sounds like you have a great plan!!! Be proud of yourself for taking steps in the right direction. It's tough to gather a new social circle as we age....and tough to change. I can relate. Books are available on self esteem, goal setting, self nuturing and the like. They have helped me. Good nutrition, healthy lifestyle (or trying), along with some alternative suppliments have also helped me. Best to you.

[Littlewhip325]

I can't imagine all you have been through in your past and the fear of losing the last one you hold dear. I don't think however, that you need to run to weight watchers or jump on the treadmill. Do these things if you feel it's what you want. It is hard to start making friends and start up an instant family. Is there someone in your relatives who you are friendly with. I have relatives I am just starting to know know in my life. They were never on my top 10 list but now I feel they are pretty cool. I am all for self improvement but these things take time. Some friendships after 20 minutes could continue for life.

[healthcareguerilla]

littlewhip325's comment is glorious. And, while there are probably only three self-help type books on the planet, which I found to be truly useful, 'Transformations' is one of them. It is a beautiful, sane, and practical piece of work.

[healthcareguerilla]

Oops. While I am sure that TRANSFORMATIONS is an excellent book, it is William Bridges' book, TRANSITIONS...Making Sense of Life's Changes, to which I refer.

[mcafaro]

I am a male to female transexual, and I noticed that when I travel to Mexico, I have a huge fear of being alone. Not that the though of those little men jumping on me is not exciting, but being stalked by them is another matter!  Should I get my sisters to walk with me? Or should I just stay home?