I truly believe i have a good heart. I am a people pleaser (too much so sometimes) and I know right from wrong. Which is why I am so confused. I am 30 years old, have been a City Official for 7 years in a highly administrative position, married with one toddler. My job can be very high stress at times.....but most of the time, the stress is caused by my own doings. It seems that I somewhat inadvertently sabotage myself. I make decisions that I know arent right, and then in my own mind try to ignore them as if they never happened, and I wait to deal with those issues until I absolutely HAVE to. I push them to the back, constantly knowing that they are there, but chosing not to deal with them. THis happens mostly with work issues, but sometimes at home too. For example, in the year 2000, i was supposed to have processed a packet of paperwork and forward it to the state department of treasury. At the time, it truly just slipped my mind. Before I knew it, it was a year gone by, and I knew it was a problem, but just thought once again, I'll deal with that later. Another year, another chance for me to ignore the problem. This has been haunting my for 5 years now. And finally, it comes back to bite me. It took someone else realizing that I hadnt done what I was supposed to for me to actually take action. I dont know what kind of fear this is. I do this kind of thing all the time, usually just not with stuff as important as that. My husband detests my ability to just push things off like its nothing. I was like this with my finances, until I met him, and he straightened them out for me (and i am no longer in charge of ANYTHING financial).. I was diagnosed ADHD when I was 21 or so. On meds for a short time....but yet another thing i didnt follow up or follow through with. Down to me over committing myself to things I know I cant accomplish. I have a painting downstairs that is owned by my secretary, ive had it for atleast 4 years...she wanted me to touch it up. Everytime i see it, it reminds me of how awful of a person I am to tell someone i'll do something and not follow through. I cant understand my own actions. I know these things come back to bite me in the butt, so why do I keep doing it? Usually if anyone asks me to do something, I almost always say yes. Another problem with my job. Ive always agreed to help so many people with so many things, that I then dont take the time to do what I am supposed to be doing. Part of that is just that I like to do the things they ask me. They are more attractive to me because I want to do them, not because I have to do them. I am afraid that this behavior is going to jeopardize my employment. Im in quite the hard place today with my situation I spoke of earlier. It could get me fired. Its almost as if I set myself up for failure. I have a very low self esteem when it comes to my job (although i try to portray the opposite.) But why do i do this to myself?
The answer to your problems is to investigate just that question with a qualified therapist. There is a buried conflcit you are having with yourself that can be resolved. don't look for quick fixes, and don't put it off..find a good therapist to talk too.
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