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Avatar universal

So very, very confused

I am very, very confused right now and don't know what to
do.  I have been battling depression for pretty much most of my life, but was just diagnosed with it a couple of years ago.

I have been working with a great therapist for almost a year now and she has helped me to confront those issues that have been bothering me for such a long time.  

I thought I was slowly getting better, but now I feel worse than before.  Let me explain.  I just got married about 6 weeks ago to a wonderful man.  I've got so much to look forward to with him (i.e. starting a family, etc.) and yet I feel awful.  I feel so empty and alone right now.  I realize it's because I've gone thru a lot of changes (i.e. moving into his house, selling most of my stuff, living with someone, etc.), but it should be a happy time for me, not a sad time for me.  And I don't know what to do.  I'm just so disappointed in myself that I'm reacting this way.  It's like I don't care anymore.  I do care, it's just I don't know how to stop feeling like this.  I hurt so much inside.  My therapist suggested putting me back on medication, but I don't want to go there.  I've tried so many in the past and not liked all the side effects.  

I just don't know what to do anymore.  I'm so ashamed of how I'm feeling so much so that I can't even tell my therapist.  I don't even want to say anything to my husband because he thinks everything's just hunky dorey.

What can I do to make the pain go away?  I'm afraid I might try to hurt myself and I never thought that that was possible for me.
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Avatar universal
JC
Diane, Lighten up on yourself luv. Just because you feel worse does not mean that you are not continuing to get better.As you have stated, you have been through some major changes latley. These changes may have triggered old feelings from the past. Or something in the present may be just comming into your awarness.Our feelings make us neither good nor bad.They just are. And they are very valuable tools to help us navigate through this world. Listen to that great therapist of yours hon, and except the meds for now. This old gal can hear how overwhelmed you are right now. And medication can get you past this dangerous time. I've been there too. With some of us our brain chemicals get out of whack when we are under stress. My brain chemicals do not make me a good or bad person. When they are not working right, i get some help. Keep seeing your therapist and HANG IN THERE! You are needed in this world. We can all help eachother. Down the road, you may be just the one to encourage the next struggling person. I will be virtualy holding your hand for awhile. You will be in my prayers. LIVE!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I can not get over the feeling of my last depression episode. I have had depression since I was very young.  I have been on and off medication now for four years and do not ever want to go back on medication.  I am not a doctor or a pshychiatrist.  I am a person who suffers depression.  Four weeks ago, I began to get out in the world and exercise.  I walk for an hour a day at a medium to moderate pace.  Funny thing, my mind felt clear and relieved after I finished my walks.  After a good walk I actually felt like I had woken up from a bad dream.  My depression is easing and I haven't had to get back on medication for this episode.  I do encourage you to see someone about getting on medication simply because you feel bad enough to hurt yourself.  I also encourage you to talk out your feelings with a psychiartist.  My biggest encouragement for you is to get out there and start exercising.  It has truly helped me through this rough time.  I know that I must continue to exercise for the rest of my life and am hoping that I will never have to go back on the medication.  I do know my limits however, and if I do ever feel like I am going to hurt myself I would never think of not seeking treatment with medication.  You can beat depression.  I am living proof of this.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Dear Diane
I agree with your therapist. I don
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i can sympathize with your position, believe me. i have been stuck in the same position for so long that i can't remember when life was "normal". i have been on so many different drugs that i don't remember any more what has been tried and what hasn't. i have had ect for months which "lifted the clouds" temporarily, beu nothing long term. i would be willing to try anything to find a reliable solution to thhis circle. its to yhe point that suicide is a constant thought that is always with me.so if you and your therapist can find medication that will help please give it a try. right now your therapist is the one to rely on, you can't control this alone. we would all love to be able to wish it away but it just doesn't work. believe me, i know.  be safe and open the door to real happiness in your life. let your therapist help you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
First of all, the most important thing that you must do is put aside the feelings of guilt: depression is NOT your fault. It is not a character trait, or a fault in your person. It is a disorder, like diabetes, and must be looked at as such. The fact that you esperienced depression before your mariage demonstrates that your type of depression is obviously, by your description, endogenous -- in other words, it is not situational. You are not depressed BECAUSE of your marriage... you are depressed because you experience the condition called depression. There is a fine line here, but I hope you can see it.

With non-situational depression it is more difficult to sit down and say "I should be happy" -- why? Because the human brain experiences a bit of a xhemical imbalance, usually associated with names like seratonin and norepinephrine (lots of nice long words to chew on).

While it is very important to try and overcome our troubles with therapy, the trouble with endogenous depression is that sometimes there are no good reasons for you to be depressed. That is why pharmacology plays a very helpful role in the lives of many people. Drugs like Sertraline (Zoloft) and Fuoxitine (Prozac) are known as SSRI's, or Selective Seretonin Reuptake Inhibitors and they help the brain sort out its signals -- balancing out the "chemicals" (chocolate also has high amounts of seretonin, which is why people gravitate towards that when they are feeling "blue").

I would encourage you to not give up on the drugs because of past bad experiences. There are new anti-depressants on the market which have less, (or different) side effects which might not bother you. Nefazadone (Serzone), an SSRI, Bupropion HCI (Welbutrin SR), an a-typical antidepressant which is unlike the SSRI's or the tricyclics and many others are being used today to enhance the lives of people who would otherwise suffer for no good reason.

Good luck, and good health,
Peter
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Believe me...I know how you feel.  One of the most telling signs of depression for me is feeling empty and knowing that I SHOULD be happy because everything is good.

That is how I feel when I don't take meds.  So...I take them.  I have learned that I cannot do without them.  It is not a weakness.  yeah....I know it is best to not take any medication if you don't have to, but would you rather feel this way and possibly even harm your relationship?  Or suicide?

I certainly am not a doctor but I would, after being through all this for literaly years would suggest taking the meds and telling your therapist EVERYTHING.

Good luck to you.
Helpful - 0

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