Spells of Rage

My wife and I are having a baby in May.  It was not planned.  She is experiencing mood swings and spells of uncontrolable rage - almost violent.  She has hit me a couple of times, broke a chair, and smashed a glass full of juice against the wall.  The events that brought these on were rediculous and stupid.  This all started pretty much the day we found out we were having a baby.  She does see a therapist and he gives her stress relieving tips.  She is not handling this pregnancy well at all.  I am not the most patient person and that does not help.  One of the biggest things that upsets her is if I am not home.  For example if I go to lunch with my buddies for about 1.5 hr on a saturday just to get out of the house, and away from her, she gets fuming mad.  

My question is, it seems like the same problems that we have always had in our relationship are now on a higher level.  Her family has a history of mental illness and her mother is very mentally abusive - that is what she gets counsling for.  I am worried she is "turning into her mother" because I see some real likeness with the way she is acting now and the way her mother acts.  I am worried this behavior is not just moodiness from pregnancy but rather a life change taking place and she may have a mental condition.  I feel a preganancy should be happy and exciting.  Do you think she may have a past mental condition that just got much worse when the stress and worry of having a baby came into play?  Does a womens hormone levels change that quickley, within the first month, to cause these symptoms?

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Those are all good questions and I can only give you general answers.  Yes, hormones change dramatically in early months of pregnancy and can seriously effect mood.  Unplanned pregnancies are usually filled with conflict so that is what you and your wife should be talking about,and maybe conjointly with her therapist.  The rage is probably related to that, so when you leave on saturday she feels abandoned; she doesn't see it as a simple lunch...those are the kind of images that get in the way of honest communication.  Same with you when you see this as mental illness like her mother....an image that distorts, when you should be dealing with this on its own terms..the conflict of an unplanned pregnancy.

[BostTTC]

Hi!  Congrats on the upcoming arrival.  I'm not an expert.  But I can relate.  I too got pregnant, which wasn't planned, and had the same reactions.  I just couldn't handle myself.  Although I ended up being really happy about the pregnancy eventually, I still had the wrost attitude towards my husband.  I too would hit him, throw things at him, and just start yelling and crying for really no reason at all.  Unfortuantly, I lost the baby, then we went through the whole thing where I blamed myself.  Hopefully it is just from her pregnancy, every woman reacts different.  But I do suggest that you also post this on the "maternal & child" forum.  You will get some really great responses there as well.  Good luck to you and your wife and I wish you well with the little baby.  Just hang in there.

LeAnne

[goosejr]

Thanks for the info.  Have you and your husband had any luck having a baby?

[BostTTC]

Unfortunatly, no. :(  We're trying to conceive but no luck yet.  I'm going to try up until July (which is my annual doctor's appointment) and if still no results, I'll see a specialist.  I can only hope it happens soon!!

[goosejr]

Did you ever see a doctore about your stress/ anxiety during your pregnancy?  What did they say?

[BostTTC]

No I didn't.  Wish I would have though, my poor husband.  I felt like I was dishing out domestic violence!  Have her talk to her doctor though... Or if you think she wouldn't go for that, then you call the doctor.  Explain to him you're afraid that she'll harm the baby with all of the stress and tension.  If my pregnancy would have lasted longer, I would have seen the doctor about te situation, but I miscarried at 12 weeks.

[mom2kids]

I'm a mom the 2nd time around (my son was born in Sept '03, my daughter in April '02).  I have pretty much reacted the same way since I got pregnant.  Not that I don't love both of my children, but I was not planning to get pregnant the second time, and it has been very stressful- that pregnancy I was SO unbelievably moody! Which is the complete opposite from my first, when I felt "balanced" for probably the first time in my adult life.  

You sound like you're in a similar situation to my husband, who also worried that I'm going to become my mother (I worry about it myself).  She doesn't have any mental illness that I'm aware of, but she was a terrible mother- no mothering instincts whatsoever.  She was very uncaring. I love my kids, but I'm so annoyed by them. Thank God I have yet to get physical with my husband.  I'm sure he'd leave.  

I think you're a good husband- you're seeking help for yourself and for your wife, instead of leaving.  I wish you all the best of luck.