What do I do?

[cynrawr6363]

Okay... So I started cutting when I was 9... I know thats really young. I'm now 16 and still cut every now and then. I don't cut because I'm depressed. I'm happy for the most part. I have a boyfriend that I love and a family that loves me. I've never known my dad and I don't know if that has something to do with it. But I carry a razor with me in my purse wherever I go because it comforts me in a way. Just knowing it's there makes me feel as though I don't have to cut. When I don't cut, I feel very anxious. Like at times... I'll just be laying in my room and I have to get up and do something because if I don't, I'll go cut myself out of boredness. I went into a mental hospital when I was 12 and stayed for about 8 days. I returned about 2 weeks later and stayed for 11 days. I took a test in the hospital and they said I may eventually become bi-polar and I think I have. I'll be totally happy one moment and the next thing I know, I just don't want to talk to anyone or I just want to be alone. I get like grumpy and snap at people with no good reason. I know this hurts the people around me but I can't help it. My mom knows I used to cut but she doesn't know I still do. I don't want to disappoint her by telling her that I still am. I want her to be proud of me. Theres something wrong with me but I don't know what. I don't want to keep cutting. I hate that I have scars on my arm from it and on my legs and stomach. When I have kids, what am I supposed to say when they see the scars on me and ask about them? I'm not depressed anymore, I'm happy but I still have to cut. Well I know I don't HAVE to, but I feel as though I do. I want to be normal again and not feel like I have to harm myself to feel complete and calm. Please help.

[Jaquta]

That has perhaps been the problem.  You need to find a good therapist (one you can trust and confide in and feel safe with).  You need time to be able to work through your issues.  One session/ meeting is a bit like eating one healthy meal or going to the gym once.

I don't understand your education system (and to be honest I don't know much about ours either).  It was unfortunate that the grades couldn't be credited.  Did your parents follow this up for you?  I expect they did.  It seems vastly unfair.

You need to do what you think is best (after consultation with others.  Just so that you get a balanced perspective).
I expect finding some jobs, any job, would be difficult in our current economic crisis.

It is stressful.  That doesn't mean that you should use it as an excuse to cut though.  (Just in case you were thinking about it).

Now would be an excellent time to be in therapy and to start working through those issues which are creating stress in your life.
Try talking to your mother and explain that you need more than one therapy session.  It is likely to take many more than that.
One is just like putting a plaster over a wound that requires further medical attention.

(Actually, I had this happen to me literally.  I had a dressing placed over a wound, it became swollen and sore, etc and the wound burst.  The dressing was still covering the gross stuff underneath to some degree but I would have gotten very sick if the dressing hadn't been removed and the wound (issue) looked at.  Hiding things doesn't make them go away).

Keep persevering.

J

[cynrawr6363]

My mom has taken me to therapist and councilers. We go for one meeting and then we never go back... I've recently dropped out of school because I had a medical reason and was out of school for about 3 months with a homeschooling teacher but then the school didn't count any of my grades, so I would of had to retake the whole grade over so I'm currently working on my GED and I can't find a job. It's just so stressful.. :(

[Jaquta]

I support the doctors suggestions.

I know what you mean when you say you feel comforted by the presence of the razor.  I am the same with medications.  If I acknowledge the risk of hoarding them and decide to give them to my GP I become very anxious.

I think with therapy you learn about your emotions, etc and over time learn how to manage them without feeling the need to cut or over-medicate, etc.

For me, I always perceived it was the method (the cutting or medication) that was important.  I felt it was this that was communicating my distress.  I learned in therapy I could do this by communicating verbally without resorting to harming myself.

I think your mother would be more disappointed if you weren't honest with her.  I think she would be proud of you for asking for support and help when it is needed.
She may be upset to start with but she will also respect you for your decision to want to make changes.

It is best to deal with these issues when you're young.  Not only is it easier but it doesn't rob you of potential and it allows you to be free and happy to live life.

Someone I use to know who cut said she use to tell people she had been in a skiing accident.

J

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

I have only one way to help you and that is to give you some good advice.  You are ready know to get a great deal of benefit from psychotherapy...not hospitalization or medication, but from talk therapy that can really get to the bottom of your moods and your compulsion to cut.  Ask your mother to help you find a therapist...explain to her you want help now to control the impulse and to put it behind you rather than have to continuously worry about it.