What to do about verbal abuse to daughter and wife from father/husband

[musik]

My daughter is 20 years old. Since she was a teen her father has always hollered, grounded, told her she was dressed inappropriately, etc. and treated her poorly, but always told her younger brother everything he has done is wonderful.  She has felt for a long time that her father hates her, and he has hurt her emotionally over the years. He has also verbally abused me over the years and I'm sick of dealing with it, the only reason I stay married is for our children, but unfortunately I think they are somewhat damaged but I hope they can one day have normal relationships with their families.
No one can talk to him and he never takes responsibility for his behavior.  His parents think he is always right and will never defend me or our daughter.  He always turns everything around to make it look like what he did and said was right, and there is no reason for anyone to be upset with him. Just to give you a few examples,  one Mother's Day, he got so mad at our daughter, (she was probably 12) and sent her to my old bedroom in my parents house, then proceed to leave the family get together and walk home.  Needless to say it was not pleasant for anyone.  Just two days ago, on her 20th birthday, as she sat there opening her gifts in front of everyone, he totally ignored her and sat talking to our son telling him how wonderful he looked from playing hockey and how everything he was doing was right.  She was very hurt and truly believes her father hates her.  I never imagined a life like this, because I came from such a loving, kind, caring family.  I am so sorry my daughter has had to endure this and am worried about her future emotional health.  Please let me know what you think about this problem.  Thank you.

[Empreinte]

Dear Musik,
Is it possible that your daughter's father is manic depressive?
Well, NOW they call it bi-polar - but way back when, when
I was very young and as far back as I can remember, I endured
the same type of situation from mine.  Why, I don't know.
We do know that he was manic-depressive and was more than
verbally abusive to me and my Mother - rairly to my sister -
but then again, he had her removed from our home only because she spoke up for herself.  
Even at my age now, which is 46, and he has passed away, as
has my Mother (last year) I still struggle with the comments
and such and made the most recent statement to my Mother, just
prior to her passing, that he must have hated my guts.
I commend you for caring deeply about your daughter's well-being and future effects from this behavior as mine did absolutely
nothing for neither myself nor my sister.  The response was
always - well, your father is a sick man - so I guess that
meant for us that we were to just put up with it.  It hurt
deeply and the scars are still there.  I can tell you this,
though, I have come to grips with what happened, to some
extent, and it (obviously, by looking at my age), took many,
many years to realize that it wasn't me that he hated or disliked or whatever, as my sister and myself were really great
kids - even according to other family members who, by the way, did not do
a damn thing to stop this. It was obviously himself he did not
like.  I believe now that he saw something in me that was
lacking in himself and just could not stand it.  
Encourage your daughter to be strong and self-sufficient and
I know this is easier said then done but - in one ear - out the
other.  Every daughter needs a decent father - Mine provided
well for all of us but............... the pain of his nearly
daily and consistent comments left a lot for one to contend with.  As a young girl, I can still remember thinking he must
be right.  Oh, bull.  Believe it or not, I did love the man
dearly and was there for him when he needed help and eventually
was dying from Cancer.  I did everything that I could possibly
do for him - as he was my Father.  Even through-out all that
giving and caring and doing on my part - it really did not seem
to matter to him, as to his dying day he still kept up with
the insults and absolutely nothing that I ever did was right
with him.  I made a good and decent life for myself.  Married
a man, purposely and by the grace of God, that was the complete
opposite of my Father, with the vow that if I made a mistake
when I got married and 'did a repeat' the cycle type of thing,
I would immediately get divorced.  In otherwords, not lead
a life that is MY life under those type of circumstances.
Had to put up with it as a kid - but refused to put up with that
or go through it again as an adult - when then one has the choices that can be made without an adult dictating to them.
At that time, I had no one to talk to about this as we were
instructed that what occurred in the house stayed in the house,
etc.... but people knew what was going on.  
Tell your Daughter she has a choice to make.  As hard as it is,
disregard him completely and go out and make a great and happy
life for herself.  It takes work to get through something like this but believe me - it can be done.  I would also tell your
daughter that to always keep in her mind that she is not to blame nor is she the one doing anything wrong here.  It is him and not her.  If by chance, mine was still alive, I would definitely distance myself from him - as it is a very 'toxic'
situation.
Sincerely and God Bless,
E
ps  please E me back if you would like to talk about this further
or if I can be of any help.

[cinnamontoast]

My advice never stayed married "for the children" you stay married because you love someone they treat you wonderfully, respectfully.. A child should not feel this way with a parent they should feel loved . I hope you give her the love she needs Now as an adult she has the opportunity to choose whether she would like to have a relationship with her father or not. No one needs to be treated unfairly or feel unloved.

[Howiesmon]

I am wondering if you can offer any advice. I am thirty years old and living at home with my parents. My sister and I have always been afraid of my father. He was the disciplinarian of the family and yelled at us whenever he thought we did something wrong, like not put enough clothes in the dryer. He has recently retired and I feel is very bored. He goes through these periods where he constantly makes negative comments about my actions. Some of these comments are about such stupid things as 'don't put the box on the couch' to the point where I am afraid of doing things around him for fear of him yelling at me. I have depression and anxiety and basically am at my wits end. I can't sleep, am an emotional eater, so I eitheir go to the fridge when he starts to pick on me or my stomach gets so upset that I feel sick. If I don't eat I shop online and run up my credit card bills. I have recently graduated and am trying to find a job where I can support myself better financially. My sister is married and lives around the block. She has offered for me to move into her basement, but they are struggling to make ends meet and I don't want to be a burden financially to them. When I try to talk to my Mom about it she says 'don't listen to him' or she will tell him how I feel which will make it worse. My Mom and I go to broadway shows about once a month, which I think makes him jealous. How can I respond to his comments? I really can't take it anymore. I know that I need to not let it get to me and that there will be worse people than him in my life, but I really need to be able to deal with it now. Thank you for your help.

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

Its hard to answer you other than to say what you describe is terrible behavior and your husband should be confronted by you in one way or another.  Have you tried getting him into marital counseling with you...that is a good place to talk about tough subjects.  Other than that all you can do is to continuously  support your daughter and help her get away from his toxic behavior.

[Empreinte]

Also wanted to add that mine would ALWAYS go out of his way
ruin my Birthday's, as well.  Christmas was no pick-nik, either.
AND, in reflecting back - always done on purpose.
Please post me back if you want to talk or if I can elaborate
further on how I managed to get through all that.
Sincerely,
Empreinte