What to do?

[Rob J]

I am in need of advice...

First some background...
My ex-girlfriend, Mel, and I have been together and lived for 4 years, and lived together nearly the whole time.  We have been friends for 7 or 8 years and we have an 8 month old son. I am 24 years old, she is 20.  Last spring we bought a house together, because of my horrible credit, I am not on the mortgage, just her and her mother are.  I work full-time and go to school full-time.  She works part-time and watches our son during the day.  I loved her with all my heart and wanted to spend my life with her, and I know she felt that way at one point too, but things changed...

With work/school/homework and parenting my free time was, and still is, very limited.  She spent most of the time on the couch bored and complained alot that we never did anything.  I explained to her many times that I simply didn't have time or money to go out, or to do anything for that matter. (She's the one that pressured me into school because my job didn't pay enough)  So about 4 1/2 months ago she started occasionally going out with old friends, which I had no problem with.  She was having fun, I had the nag-free time I needed to study.  It got to be more and more frequent, and soon she told me she had another interest and it would be best if we broke up, just like that.  Well I was devastated and I wrote her a long letter pleading her to reconsider.  She basically chewed me out and tried to put all the blame on me.  I dont and have never claimed to be fault-free, but fact is I really don't know what I did wrong other than trying to make life better for me and my family.  Well, she turned into the devil.  She convinced her mother that I needed to be kicked out of 'her' house, even though we agreed before buying it that it was 'our' house.  Mel had been coming home anywhere from 2 A.M. to 6 A.M. and sometimes not at all, always stoned and drunk.  I had been keeping a log of this and showed it to her mother who agreed to let me stay, then gave her an ultimatum, to either shape up or get out.  Well, she didn't shape up or get out, she got worse.  She said some of the most horrible things, every word out of her mouth was to make me feel bad, and it did, and when she saw I was hurt she laughed.  She made me feel bad for even loving her in the first place.  She came home with guys and flaunted them in front of me.  She claimed they were just friends, even though she started taking birth control AFTER she left me.  I was completely shattered.  I dropped out of school and started going to the bar every night and getting drunk, and a few days I didn't come home.  One day she called me at work and said "I have something to tell you, I have been ******* Jamie for the last month, and I ****** him in our bed, and I ****** him on the couch.  What do you think about that?"  I cracked.  I felt completely worthless and I left work and just cried all day.  One night she was out, she called me at home and said she was bringing some friends over, including Jamie.  I was completely distraught at the time, and I sat in the garage with my shotgun(loaded) and waited for them.  What I had in mind was scaring the **** out of him and her and blowing my head off (I had no intention of murder).  I heard her pull and the front door open, a few seconds later the door slammed and she peeled out of the driveway.  Obviously she knew how horrible I felt because the first thing she checked was my guncase, finding it missing she left.  I drove around town for about 3 hours, and I even drove through a park where a good friend of mine killed himself a few years ago(over a girl no less).  I stopped at a payphone and called her on her cellphone and I just completely broke down before I could say a word.  I managed to say "You know I love you so much."  She said nothing.  Finally in a very cold tone she said something like "Get over it".  I wanted to die so bad, but I guess for a moment my head cleared because I went to a friends house and gave him my guns.  I spent the next couple of days with him and his girlfriend, and I have been spending a lot of time with old friends.  Although I still hurt I feel alot better. Theres alot more to tell, but i'm trying to keep this whole thing under 100 pages, but the emotional abuse I have endured over the last few months has been so intense I couldn't even start to give anyone an idea of how horrible I have felt.  And I know youre probably thinking "How could I have ever loved this *****", but this is not the person I fell in love with, I was starting to realize the person I loved didn't exist anymore, or so I thought...

Yesterday I was told I have to move out by her and her mother because two of her druggie/alchoholic friends are moving in.  Her mother thinks that would be a better environment for Brandon (my son).  Mel spewed her usual put-downs and even though I know I shouldn't let them affect me, they always find their mark dead center in my heart.
Today Mel called me, and was acting very sweet, and she said she sent me an e-mail.  Here it is:
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Dear Rob,
          So i've been thinking and sometimes i wonder if i am doing the right thing, or i wonder if im just going crazy.  ya know all i ever wanted was to be happy and get along.   I guess i kinda wanted you to be perfect.     Now we're in this big mess and theres so much anger between us that we cant get along for ****.   I guess i was just expecting a perfect little family, it doesnt work that way  you and i both have things that we need to work on.  nobody's perfect.   We never did anything and i was so sick of sitting home all the time and doing nothing day after day i just cracked and had to go out with my old friends. then once i started going out i didn't want to ever be here i was feeling like i didnt want to be a  mom i just wanted to party.   I wanted you to take me out and go to movies, dinner, friends houses anywhere i just wanted to get out of here once in awhile.  think about it we never kissed anymore we didn't do anything we just grew so far apart there was no turning back. i tried to wanna be with you but there was no interests.  so now its like what do we do from here should we really be taking such durmatic steps or should we once again try and work this out i mean we have so much together its hard to just try and move on..   Or should you move out and we start all over to love eachother again and build up a friendship or should we just say **** and move on.  theres so many things about you that i would want to change and im sure theres so many things you want to change about me. its like is it really worth it.   And maybe it is for Brandons sake.   I dont know i need you to give some sort of opinon.  just think about all this and please be mature and get back to me   .  
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I was pretty shocked.  Here was my response:
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Well, you are not even close to the same person I used to know.  Maybe you don't realize what you've put me through but you have convinced me that you are a complete waste of anyones time.

It's nice to know your having second thoughts, too bad too late.  Too bad you didn't have second thoughts before ran around screwing people, in our house no less, and then bragging about it to me for no other reason than to hurt me.  It's hard to believe you care even a little when you go out of your way to say and do things just to hurt me, and laugh about it.  Does it make you feel good when I feel bad?  I know it does and if you think im the one with problems look at yourself.  Well, I'm through feeling bad about you.  

If you just wanted to go out and party once in awhile I could have dealt with that, but you went a lot too far.  Sorry that I didn't take you out much, full-time school/ full-time work and parenting didn't leave me with alot of spare time, or money and you knew that.  

I would like to live with my family (my son and my dogs), but if you want me out I will leave.
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She wrote back:
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okay so now you on this getting back at me thing which is the most imature thing i have ever heard of. dont sit there and try and make me feel bad when i already feel bad enough. do you remember calling me fat ever or what did you say to me the other day i dont wanna repeat it on the computer. ya i said a lot of kthings to hurt you and i think im sorry maybe im not.  look at it this way erik cheated on jenelle and spent 4,ooo of her money she still grew up and after 6 mths of not being together she forgave him maybe shes just dumb  but were talking about our son are you thinking of yourself or of brandon hmmmm  i think yourself.  when you say things like in your reply back it makes me wonder what the hell im doing writing this trying to make it better when i should be telling you to get out this week but insted i always try and find a solution.   well maybe we should just go with you moving out then we could try and work on with you outside the household  and maybe we could both find someone better not only for ourselves but for brandon....
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and I responded:
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i dont know what happened that all of a sudden you care again and why all of a sudden you feel bad when you havnt gave a **** for the last 4 months, but this has nothing to do with 'getting back' at you.  fact is I doubt I will ever feel the same way about you, and its about getting on with my life.  As far as eric and jenelle go, im sure you can remember all the **** you talked about jenelle for putting up with his ****.

sorry but this isn't what I wanted, now i just have to deal with it.  if you think im immature because i wont just pretend nothing happened sorry.
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and her:
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okay well it would be best for you to move out then so i dont always have this regret on my shoulders and basically when i dont get what i want i retaliate so if you could try and be out in 1 week from today that would be great so the other 2 people can move in   by the way im making dinner for us tonight i think  you can sit down and eat it like 2 good parents would ,  thanks
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so now im back in school and i thought I was moving on, and all these freakin emotions that I thought were under control are back.  I honestly dont know if I can ever love her the way I used to, and I dont know why she had the sudden change of heart, but I do know I miss her very much and I want to spend my life with her.  I know life will go on without her, but I feel like I can never be happy without her.  She is the best thing to ever happen to me, and by far the worst thing to ever happen to me.  Part of me wants to run home and hug her, but then I remember what has happened.  If she didnt sleep with other people, this would probably be a no-brainer, but I cant seem to get past that.  I want someone here to tell me "go for it, she loves you" but im afraid that wouldnt be best for anyone.  I know I will never want to hang out with her friends, and she will never hang with mine.  If we got together I would take such an unbelievable amount of grief from my friends and family, and im sure she would too.  I just wish she would have left things as they were and let me go on with my life.  I just wish none of this would have happened.


I know this is long, so thank you to anyone who made it this far.

P.S.  This is the 3rd time she has left me and slept with someone else.
P.P.S In the last 4 years I have never slept with another person even though ive had chances to.
P.P.P.S. Everything here is true, I did not over-exaggerate anything because of anger.

P.P.P.P.S.  LOVE SUCKS!

[HFHS.MD-AJ]

Rob,

It is unfortunate that you have had difficulties with your girlfriend. It seems that this forum has given you the opportunity to express your feelings. People in relationships sometimes develop a pattern of interaction that is difficult to change, even when it is abusive, unhealthy, and unrewarding. I urge you to remove any guns or other weapons you may have in your possession, and to seek evaluation by a mental health professional. If you are currently feeling suicidal, I would strongly advise you to immediately go to the nearest Emergency Room, for psychiatric evaluation.

[Rob]

Thanks for the replies.  I went home last night and had dinner with her and she was sweet as pie, however, after seeing the other side of her I have difficulty trusting her intentions.  Maybe she saw I was getting over her and had to remind me she was still there, maybe shes sincere, who knows.  I do know that right now I dont have enough forgiveness in me to even attempt to work this out.  Im sure ill spend a lot of time in the future wondering what would have happened if we tried again, and if its really whats best.  The last thing I wanted for my son was to have single parents, and the last thing I wanted out of life was kids with different mothers, but **** happens I guess.  I think maybe shes realizing that thats not what she wants either.

One thing that makes me wonder if leaving is the right thing is everyone has heard of boy meets girl, girl gets pregnant, boy marries girl even though they are not in love because its the right thing to do.  I wonder if by not trying I am denying my son a normal family (however nowadays single parents are the norm).  Unfortunately, this situation leaves lots to regret, or dwell on.  A lot of 'what ifs'.

Im going to look at an apartment today, maybe sometime someday things will work out with us, but I have too much anger in me right now.  As far as a psych, I doubt ill have the guts to tell this to someone face to face, even my closest friends dont know half the story.  Anonomously on a message board is much easier. I still slump a bit, but im not feeling suicidal at all anymore.  Its just hard to take that im not going to be with my sweetheart anymore after 4 years, and 8 years of friendship, especially when she seems to have a change of heart.

but life goes on...

[Christine]

Rob,
Most of us have been where you are now at some point in our lives.  Maybe not to the "degree" that you are, but we've all had similar instances.  I'm sorry that I cannot tell you to "go for it" and get back with her.  Based on your post, that sounds like a mistake.  It seems VERY clear to me that your girlfriend was never really ready to be a parent and wife.  It is a very tough act if you are not ready for it.  I got married at 19 but had no children until I was 27.  Me and my husband had lots of fun, partied, etc.  We had no financial pressures or parenting pressures.  At 27, the first child came and it was sooooo hard.  Our social life basically came to a standstill and we were very short of cash.  But, both of us were ready for it and had gotten most of the "partying" and wild life out of our systems.  Your girlfriend has not (and she may never).  Everyone reaches the point of being able to stay home and build a life together at different times.  It is very hard for some 20 year olds to do this--but some can.  Obviously, you are much more mature than she is and know that you can be content making a nice home/life with your child.  She is not ready to do this and going through this agony with her is not going to help you or your child.  I think you are absolutely right in backing off from her and getting on with your life.  Yes, you will survive and you will find someone else who has more of the same goals as you do and one day (like me) you will look back and wonder why you put up with as much as you did.  That will be your regret!!
Christine

[anon]

Sometimes, it seems like love does suck more than you ever thought it could.  My ex-husband is now married to the woman he had an affair with while we were married.  My daughter's stepmother is the woman I couldn't stand.  That has been very hard to take at times.

BUT, I did get through it.  And you can get through your agony.

I urge you to consult your physician immediately for antidepressant medication and to contact a therapist to help you deal with this mess.  If you don't have much money, there are agencies that are sliding-scale based that will help.  IF YOU ARE FEELING SUICIDAL, GO TO THE HOSPITAL.  You have a son who needs a father.  Somehow you know that, because you gave up your gun to a friend.

I also recommend you contact a lawyer regarding custody of your son if you are interested in sole or joint custody of him.  If you leave the house and leave your son, you may jeopardize your case for custody.  So look into it first.

Primarily, I want you to know that you can make a life for yourself, one that reflects your values.

Best wishes,
P

[Toby]

Rob,
Get a grip - this relationship needs to be over.  It is unhealthy for you, her, and especially for your son.  I encourage you to ask yourself one very simple question:  "If she is like this for the rest of our lives together, if this is as good as it gets, is that okay?"  If your answer is no, it is time to move on.

You CANNOT change other people, and you can't live in a fantasy world about who you would like them to be.  They can only be themselves and this is who she is.  She may NEVER change.  Is that what you want for your son?

Not to be mean, but you really are trapped in a melodrama - and both of you seem to be thriving off the drama and the chaos.  The e-mails were very painful for me to read - if that is how you guys really talk to each other, you should be apart.  There were so many jabs and hurtful remarks - that's not what reconciliaton is about.  You are so angry that it seems like you have to hurt her enough before you can figure out what is best.  STOP HURTING EACH OTHER.

Life actually does not have to be this complicated or dramatic.  Tell her what you want and need, let her tell you what she wants and needs, and if you can't give each other that - move on.  There are now 6 billion people on the planet. Love doesn't suck - it's your relationship with her that sucks.

Good luck

[Rob]

She is really the only person i have been in love with, but your last line says it all.  I have thought endlessly about this, and realized anyone with any self-respect at all would be out of here in a second, so off I go.  Thanks everyone...