What to do?

[Rob]

I am in need of advice...

First some background...
My ex-girlfriend, Mel, and I have been together and lived for 4 years, and lived together nearly the whole time.  We have been friends for 7 or 8 years and we have an 8 month old son. I am 24 years old, she is 20.  Last spring we bought a house together, because of my horrible credit, I am not on the mortgage, just her and her mother are.  I work full-time and go to school full-time.  She works part-time and watches our son during the day.  I loved her with all my heart and wanted to spend my life with her, and I know she felt that way at one point too, but things changed...

With work/school/homework and parenting my free time was, and still is, very limited.  She spent most of the time on the couch bored and complained alot that we never did anything.  I explained to her many times that I simply didn't have time or money to go out, or to do anything for that matter. (She's the one that pressured me into school because my job didn't pay enough)  So about 4 1/2 months ago she started occasionally going out with old friends, which I had no problem with.  She was having fun, I had the nag-free time I needed to study.  It got to be more and more frequent, and soon she told me she had another interest and it would be best if we broke up, just like that.  Well I was devastated and I wrote her a long letter pleading her to reconsider.  She basically chewed me out and tried to put all the blame on me.  I dont and have never claimed to be fault-free, but fact is I really don't know what I did wrong other than trying to make life better for me and my family.  Well, she turned into the devil.  She convinced her mother that I needed to be kicked out of 'her' house, even though we agreed before buying it that it was 'our' house.  Mel had been coming home anywhere from 2 A.M. to 6 A.M. and sometimes not at all, always stoned and drunk.  I had been keeping a log of this and showed it to her mother who agreed to let me stay, then gave her an ultimatum, to either shape up or get out.  Well, she didn't shape up or get out, she got worse.  She said some of the most horrible things, every word out of her mouth was to make me feel bad, and it did, and when she saw I was hurt she laughed.  She made me feel bad for even loving her in the first place.  She came home with guys and flaunted them in front of me.  She claimed they were just friends, even though she started taking birth control AFTER she left me.  I was completely shattered.  I dropped out of school and started going to the bar every night and getting drunk, and a few days I didn't come home.  One day she called me at work and said "I have something to tell you, I have been ******* Jamie for the last month, and I ****** him in our bed, and I ****** him on the couch.  What do you think about that?"  I cracked.  I felt completely worthless and I left work and just cried all day.  One night she was out, she called me at home and said she was bringing some friends over, including Jamie.  I was completely distraught at the time, and I sat in the garage with my shotgun(loaded) and waited for them.  What I had in mind was scaring the **** out of him and her and blowing my head off (I had no intention of murder).  I heard her pull and the front door open, a few seconds later the door slammed and she peeled out of the driveway.  Obviously she knew how horrible I felt because the first thing she checked was my guncase, finding it missing she left.  I drove around town for about 3 hours, and I even drove through a park where a good friend of mine killed himself a few years ago(over a girl no less).  I stopped at a payphone and called her on her cellphone and I just completely broke down before I could say a word.  I managed to say "You know I love you so much."  She said nothing.  Finally in a very cold tone she said something like "Get over it".  I wanted to die so bad, but I guess for a moment my head cleared because I went to a friends house and gave him my guns.  I spent the next couple of days with him and his girlfriend, and I have been spending a lot of time with old friends.  Although I still hurt I feel alot better. Theres alot more to tell, but i'm trying to keep this whole thing under 100 pages, but the emotional abuse I have endured over the last few months has been so intense I couldn't even start to give anyone an idea of how horrible I have felt.  And I know youre probably thinking "How could I have ever loved this *****", but this is not the person I fell in love with, I was starting to realize the person I loved didn't exist anymore, or so I thought...

Yesterday I was told I have to move out by her and her mother because two of her druggie/alchoholic friends are moving in.  Her mother thinks that would be a better environment for Brandon (my son).  Mel spewed her usual put-downs and even though I know I shouldn't let them affect me, they always find their mark dead center in my heart.
Today Mel called me, and was acting very sweet, and she said she sent me an e-mail.  Here it is:
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Dear Rob,
          So i've been thinking and sometimes i wonder if i am doing the right thing, or i wonder if im just going crazy.  ya know all i ever wanted was to be happy and get along.   I guess i kinda wanted you to be perfect.     Now we're in this big mess and theres so much anger between us that we cant get along for ****.   I guess i was just expecting a perfect little family, it doesnt work that way  you and i both have things that we need to work on.  nobody's perfect.   We never did anything and i was so sick of sitting home all the time and doing nothing day after day i just cracked and had to go out with my old friends. then once i started going out i didn't want to ever be here i was feeling like i didnt want to be a  mom i just wanted to party.   I wanted you to take me out and go to movies, dinner, friends houses anywhere i just wanted to get out of here once in awhile.  think about it we never kissed anymore we didn't do anything we just grew so far apart there was no turning back. i tried to wanna be with you but there was no interests.  so now its like what do we do from here should we really be taking such durmatic steps or should we once again try and work this out i mean we have so much together its hard to just try and move on..   Or should you move out and we start all over to love eachother again and build up a friendship or should we just say **** and move on.  theres so many things about you that i would want to change and im sure theres so many things you want to change about me. its like is it really worth it.   And maybe it is for Brandons sake.   I dont know i need you to give some sort of opinon.  just think about all this and please be mature and get back to me   .  
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I was pretty shocked.  Here was my response:
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Well, you are not even close to the same person I used to know.  Maybe you don't realize what you've put me through but you have convinced me that you are a complete waste of anyones time.

It's nice to know your having second thoughts, too bad too late.  Too bad you didn't have second thoughts before ran around screwing people, in our house no less, and then bragging about it to me for no other reason than to hurt me.  It's hard to believe you care even a little when you go out of your way to say and do things just to hurt me, and laugh about it.  Does it make you feel good when I feel bad?  I know it does and if you think im the one with problems look at yourself.  Well, I'm through feeling bad about you.  

If you just wanted to go out and party once in awhile I could have dealt with that, but you went a lot too far.  Sorry that I didn't take you out much, full-time school/ full-time work and parenting didn't leave me with alot of spare time, or money and you knew that.  

I would like to live with my family (my son and my dogs), but if you want me out I will leave.
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She wrote back:
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okay so now you on this getting back at me thing which is the most imature thing i have ever heard of. dont sit there and try and make me feel bad when i already feel bad enough. do you remember calling me fat ever or what did you say to me the other day i dont wanna repeat it on the computer. ya i said a lot of kthings to hurt you and i think im sorry maybe im not.  look at it this way erik cheated on jenelle and spent 4,ooo of her money she still grew up and after 6 mths of not being together she forgave him maybe shes just dumb  but were talking about our son are you thinking of yourself or of brandon hmmmm  i think yourself.  when you say things like in your reply back it makes me wonder what the hell im doing writing this trying to make it better when i should be telling you to get out this week but insted i always try and find a solution.   well maybe we should just go with you moving out then we could try and work on with you outside the household  and maybe we could both find someone better not only for ourselves but for brandon....
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and I responded:
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i dont know what happened that all of a sudden you care again and why all of a sudden you feel bad when you havnt gave a **** for the last 4 months, but this has nothing to do with 'getting back' at you.  fact is I doubt I will ever feel the same way about you, and its about getting on with my life.  As far as eric and jenelle go, im sure you can remember all the **** you talked about jenelle for putting up with his ****.

sorry but this isn't what I wanted, now i just have to deal with it.  if you think im immature because i wont just pretend nothing happened sorry.
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and her:
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okay well it would be best for you to move out then so i dont always have this regret on my shoulders and basically when i dont get what i want i retaliate so if you could try and be out in 1 week from today that would be great so the other 2 people can move in   by the way im making dinner for us tonight i think  you can sit down and eat it like 2 good parents would ,  thanks
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so now im back in school and i thought I was moving on, and all these freakin emotions that I thought were under control are back.  I honestly dont know if I can ever love her the way I used to, and I dont know why she had the sudden change of heart, but I do know I miss her very much and I want to spend my life with her.  I know life will go on without her, but I feel like I can never be happy without her.  She is the best thing to ever happen to me, and by far the worst thing to ever happen to me.  Part of me wants to run home and hug her, but then I remember what has happened.  If she didnt sleep with other people, this would probably be a no-brainer, but I cant seem to get past that.  I want someone here to tell me "go for it, she loves you" but im afraid that wouldnt be best for anyone.  I know I will never want to hang out with her friends, and she will never hang with mine.  If we got together I would take such an unbelievable amount of grief from my friends and family, and im sure she would too.  I just wish she would have left things as they were and let me go on with my life.  I just wish none of this would have happened.


I know this is long, so thank you to anyone who made it this far.

P.S.  This is the 3rd time she has left me and slept with someone else.
P.P.S In the last 4 years I have never slept with another person even though ive had chances to.
P.P.P.S. Everything here is true, I did not over-exaggerate anything because of anger.

P.P.P.P.S.  LOVE SUCKS!

[HFHS.MD-AJ]

Please see my posted response, dated 10/28/99

[Patti]

Hi Rob,
Well, i managed to read all of it and ya know, I feel bad for her in a way. I'm going through the same sort of problem. I know what she must be feeling. In my opinion she is too young to be a mother and a wife and yes she probably did feel neglected. She felt like she was running the household all by her self. I think that it is true that you still love her even though she has slept with other people and you know what? I might be wrong but she still has a lot of growing up to do and maybe she had to sleep with other people to find herself. I know this is probably sounding very funny to you, but like I said, i'm in a similar situation. I know what it feels like to be young and neglected, thank GOD i don't have any children, I haven't given you much info but this is how I feel about your situation. I feel that you are both being really immature and just thinking about yourselves and that will not help Brandon out with his future. YOu need to both realize that life does go on and you have to follow your heart.
I think that if instead of sending e-mails back and forth like school children that you should send Brandon with his Grandmother for the night and actually sit down and talk like human beings.
You'd be surprised how much you get figured out. Just don't have any liqor or dope around so you can be rational.
Sorry if you don't like my opinions, your story just made me ball for you and her and my situation, and if I solved my problems you and her can probably do better.
Good Luck Man, I wish you all the best of luck with life!!
Yours truly
Patti

[Maureen]

Hi Rob, You might not want to see it, but from an outsider's point of view, just by reading all this, it's obvious that she is "playing" you!!  Me and my husband have been in so many awful fights before and after we've been married, and we married young also, I was 22 and he was 23, but if either one of us slept with someone else, that's when you know it's over.  It's easy to see that she wants her freedom, and party and live the life of a single women, but she also wants good old "sucka" to fall back on after she's done her partying.  You did the right thing for the family, by working, and going to school and taking care of your son.  She's obviously not ready to settle down.  I know it's easy for all of us to say these things, because it's true, but I know it's hard for you to stay away from her, because of how you feel.  But be strong and really listen to what we're telling you here.  Get out of this situation, continue to take care of your son, and please find someone that deserves your love, she does not.  And always remember that sleeping with someone else is the ultimate betrayal.  Remember that when you feel the need to be with her.  And don't think she won't cheat on you again and again, because what I read shows me that she will.  Don't allow yourself to be her doormat, get some selr esteem and move on.  I know you can do it good luck.