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Why can't I stop lying
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Why can't I stop lying

I am in a serious relationship with my girlfriend of one year.  We have disscussed marrage and kids and everything in our future. Now we are having problems. It started because I need to gain weight and she would ask me if I ate breakfast everyday. I know that she means well but I missed one day and lied about it, she caught me. Two other times she has caught me lying about food. She also feels that I am to friendly with every girl that I speak to no matter who they are, flirting. A few weeks ago she caught me staring at a girl. Now I have lied to here again twice more. She has lost all trust in me.  We have even broken up for a while this past week.  Before this all started we had an amazing relationship. She is the most beautiful, wonderful girl in the world.  I never want to be without her. Now my lying is threatining our perfect relationship. I want to know if there is anything I can do to stop lying. I love this girl she truly is everything I want in a girl. She has told me that lying is the one thing she can not handle.  Yet I still find myself lying all of the time about little things that I have done. When we first meet I was full of emotion and joy. Now I have a real job and responsibilities and I seem dead inside.  My only time of joy is in her and I am thretining that almost daily. I there is anything that will upset her I lie about it. I have to stop or she will never trust me agin and our once perfect relationship is over. Please if there is any advice or treatment you can give I beg you.  Save my relationship Help me stop lying.
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You are in a vicious cycle and the best thing you can do is go to a good marriage counselor or therapist who sees couples together, and tell her how you have lied only not to upset her, and that you now want to start a new, and healthier dialogue with her.  You will need help because you are afraid to lose her, and that unbalances the relationship, etc.
11 Comments
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Avatar_n_tn
Is your lying some sort of underlying problem such as a possible eating disorder? If not try to think deep in your heart what is causing you to lie. A fear of rejection? Or a means of just getting her off your back? Im sure she is an amazing person and if you truely love her you need to find the strength to figure out why you continue to lie to her. I wish you the best and hope you can find your way to an anwser. Is your lies or her more important?
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Avatar_n_tn
Others have given advice on the lying, but I think it's important also that your girlfriend realize that there is nothing wrong with you occasionally "checking out" other women ... it's natural and she'll be very disappointed in all her relationships if a wandering eye threatens her so. Help her to become secure enough in your relationship where it will not bother her as much. Odds are she checks out other men too. Of course actually touching other women is another thing!!!
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Avatar_n_tn
Let her read your posts.  She may feel more secure and less threatened.  Then talk.  My idea? A good bottle of wine, a quiet enviornment (send the kids if there are any to grammas ) and a night for the two of you. Be totally honest...on one condition.  Once the truth is out, you wont throw it at each other.  You will make love and figure it out from there. Hopefully.  Good luck and good love.
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Avatar_n_tn
I think your girlfriend has the problem, not you.  Your only problem is perhaps self-esteem, and that you cannot see past the charms of this woman and realize she is likely a very controlling, manipulative person.  Anyone with the least bit of humanity would recognize that your lying about eating is because you are fearful of being judged (which you should not be in the first instance) about something either you have no control over, or have chosen your own path to recovery. And it is as clear as day that the jealousy she expresses cannot but lead to a lifetime of misery for you. Think about it.  How low is her self-esteem, and how little must she care about your self-respect and integrity to accuse you of such outlandish things.  Wake up and smell the coffee.  Focus your concern on the right areas, not blaming yourself for not being the perfect spineless doll for some nonsensical woman!
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Avatar_n_tn
Just out of curiousity here, why is she trying to fatten you up, anyway, lol? I've heard a lot of different ones before like this, but I have to tell you, I've never heard of a guy in trouble for not eating breakfast~.

Not to make light of the situation, though, my friend. This is a big situation, just like the doc says.
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Avatar_f_tn
I read through the other postings and wanted to see what they said before I replied.  I have a similar idea to RFK.  It sounds like maybe she is so controlling asking a grown man if he ate or not and then looking at women.  It sounds like she keeps you in check and you are afraid to turn to the right or to the left!

I am sure she cares about you if you should be eating, but as a grown man, it is up to you to do what is good for you.  This situation sounds so much like someone I know.  She is demanding, domineering, gives out orders and her husband jumps.  She embarrasses him in public by jumping on him for the slightest thing.  He is constantly trying to do this and that to please her, walk on eggshells to get along with her, and is so afraid she will be mad at him.

This may not be accurate but it sounded like that to me.

Muster up some self-esteem and just be yourself.  You don't have to lie to anyone.  You sound like a wonderful person and you should be able to say yes or no and I don't want to or I will.  Everyone looks at women or men.  That is normal.  If you are being rude by not taking your eyes off someone while you are with her, that is not right.  But if you simply glance or whatever, you are doing nothing wrong.  I personally look at women and at men because I think they are attractive or they remind me of someone, or I like their outfit and want to wear something like it.  It sounds like she is insecure if she forbids you to even glance someone's way.  She may want to keep you down so she can feel in control.

Good luck to you.  I know you love her but make sure you don't love her just because you feel down on yourself.  You have a lot to offer someone, but someone who will love and respect you, too.

I may have said too much but I really would like to be helpful.



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Avatar_n_tn
I hurt the ones closest and most dear to me. I have lost my best friend, My lover and my home. He looks and me with love and he thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world and i broke all trust by lying to him. Something I want to deperatly change in my self is to have more self confidence , stop lying , be a better person and love myself so I can love him the way he is suppose to be loved. I know with all my heart that I am suppose to be with this man for the rest of my life and I will change because I know we were meant to be together. Help me. What steps should I take to stop lying, build trust and be a better person. I am lost and no matter how much I cant eat , or how much i cry and can sleep at night that wont fix my broken heart without me doing the footwork I need to do in order to make our relationship work again. Please any advice I will take.. Please
Kristin
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Avatar_n_tn
WOW! I don't even know where to begin. I was in a wonderful relationship with a great man, and he and I just broke things off for a while, but all because of me.  I lied.  I am not quite sure why I did this either.  I lied about my parents to my boyfriend, and his family, so that I could get closer to him, and live with him for a while.  But I did that, because he really wanted us to be together forever.  I then later on told him about it all, and told him that the things I said about my mother wasn't true, but I guess that wasn't good enough for him.  I moved back home, and patched things up with my parents, and family, but still he I guess is mad at me.  He never really said anything about this until the other day.
Then I also have a lying problem, where I do things, and/or say things to get me some attention.  I don't understand why I do this, and I need some help, and advice.  I have been doing really good lately, but I still need some help.
If there is anything that anyone can do to help me please please do.
Thank you, and hope to hear back from some of you!!
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi.....

Do you lie in order to be accepted or loved?  If you do, I hope you will see that you are a very special individual and people should love you for YOU and not because of things you think you need to lie about.  I would get no satisfaction from lying about things to make myself look better or my family or anything.  If someone won't accept me for who I am and that only, I won't lie to impress them.  You will find someone who you can be completely honest with and loves you for you.  If they love you for what they "think" you are by your lying, it isn't real.

Does this help at all?

Take care,
Susan
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Avatar_n_tn
i have i serious lying problem or at least i had a lying problem as far as i know i've been refraining from over exagration to my stories and i have been very honest in my surroundings..even at home its been this way for at least a couple of months (i'm not to sure) but upon doing all that i have also thought about what exactly triggered me lying to my family my little brother especialy, my teachers, my friends, and finally someone who was so dear to me that i wished i hadn't done it but i did only to recieve alot of burned bridges and im so greatful i have my family back but im sure they don't seem to fully trust me..
To start things off i used to steal money between the ages of 12 and 18 from hundreds upon hundreds of dollars just to buy extra toys, food, junk, or just to look good holding so much money u wind up spending it on useless things and spending it on useless people who won't let you know when to relax (well this is what i experienced).. it was a an on and off thing but i know it annoyed my parents even my dad who was and still is working 14 to 18 hour shifts a day to support us he is now 41 this led to alot of lying and alot of confusion to my family..They had their own problems and i became one of their added issues (well im sure of it) later it turned serious i used to steal money from my parents bank account and waste money on once again material **** later i used the money to buy drugs marajuana and later cocaine alot of cocaine i would come home late lying to them of where i was and what i was really doing out so late this practice then had me cutting school during freashman year of high school and i currently am still tryin to get my high school diploma during all this i had had two relationships in high school that held another factor to lying to others i lied to my first ex-girlfriend and to friends that i was a "hitman" i even lied that i was in a band that i highly over exagerated of their supposed talent and and how closly famous we we'er to being rock stars it was soooo pathetic i went on and on about my clubbing hijinks to killing a guy who didn't diserve to live subliminal messages of me not deserving to live, this even went to my mother who supported the idea of me having a band..i learned how to play guitar for my ex-girlfriend because of promises i later said that led me to actually playing a song i used to take songs of other bands who were old and unknown and hailed that i made them that i wrote those songs end of story and also lie about studio time and other non-sense going back to my mother i lied to her about almost every thing from not cutting school to not having a girlfriend to where "my next show was and club i was at supposedly" then to not taking drugs i would also steal money for my friends to have a good time with me i would buy them dvd's, i would throw in money for a full tank of gas for them, buy them food, or give then money because they needed it even for paying bills money that they owe all this was my dads money and she would lie to him about where alll that money was going just to make me look good but she has troubles of her own (shes a whole different story) so mean while i would do the same with my first ex  it built into me not spending time with her because my mother would find out about the stolen money threw statements that i later would throw away so wouldnt get caught but she know of when the statements would come i would then lie and say "maybe they didn't come" or "maybe they got lost in the mail"
she would not let me go any where or do anything associated with going out side so on this my mother was worrying about me going to school and money stealing excuse after excuse i would later tell my ex and she would later get fed up and she eventually cheated on me in front of my face. she was also my first to experiment with sex i grew itno a depression it was nuthing but puppy love but it hurt. we we'er going out for 2yrs and about 6 months.. 3 yrs later still stealing money and still describing a band that never was i started writting music of my own and tell people my band broke up.. i then stopped talking about "the band" and expressed my self through my music and i got popular by playing my music in school take my guitar everywhere and play around the places me and first ex used to hang out around in school i would miss the way she would sound and smell and how she would touch me and approach me but i had an apiphany and realized she wasn't all that at all i was 17 when i met my second ex-girl friend who is the whole reason why im writting this comment/confession she was very smart, humble to her surroundings she was a daughter of a single mother she had alot of responsibilities that her mother depended on. we would later discover that we have that in common and other things like society , life, music, foods, we have the goals of hetting a high school diploma she was down to earth and shy and carried her self very well she was precise on how close she would come with to a person she wasnt easy like my first. this girl was the the only person i could talk to but i got to into the loss of my first i grew to used to the affection we would share with each other i had a state of mind that she was supppose to give me this affection because i was her boy friend and we didnt do normal couple things like hold hands, kiss not even on the cheek, she would give me a hug at least a hand shake nor a pat on the back if any thing we only did those things once
we kissed once, we hugged once, we held hands as much as i can count on my own two hands.. i had to ask her for all that.. i later felt un attractive and i gained alot of weight we were going out for at least eight months around all that we not did nothing of any sort that could stamp that she wanted me fully in this relationship i just didnt understand i grew angry and very very upset but i still went out with her and made the best of things it was too much to bear at times it was awkward i would try to look good for her she wouldnt notic or get close to me i would try to give her a kiss she would shove me away wen i do give her a kiss she would wipe it viguously away from her face i got so despereate as to "copping a feel" it was real bad and i didnt understand but my old ways came back and i lied to her about alot of things my relationship between my mother and me i was over exageratting about that a little i would make my dad out to be a cold blooded killer and a drug dealer to make myself look untouchable but that was a waste of breath, i would promise her gifts and wouldnt give. i was even mean to her not as to being a total jerk but i was offensive i told her about deaths in my family that werent even true and i told her that my family was wealthy and powerful and lived in the out skirts of spain and in truth i am a salvadorean from a poor family i even set grown rules of mot lying to each other i had to lie to her to get her attention i made up stories very mean stories of death or a bad situation that has never happened to me just so i can get one hug with out me asking for one and with out her pushing me away when i would do so she would do this even when we said hello or good bye to each other i grew angry and started hating how big i was because i thought she didn't like my weight and maybe that was the reason she wasn't so interested in me... i had to even beg her to tell me how much she liked me close to tears and she wouldnt puor her self as i did i told her i was in love with her in the third week before the lies started i couldn't help it but since then she just "dissappeared" and everytime i was with her i would feel so alone and unwanted in her own house even.. i started to think maybe i was in her way or taking up her time, i observed her paying more attention to her friends more than me with the notion that she told me that she new them longer and the comfort gradually became... i became jealouse, she wouldn't go anywhere with me as if she didnt want me next to her in public so i grew even more depressed i couldn't take it so i got really heavy with pot and cocaine and doing so i cut more school and stole more money and had a bad addiction to cocaine and i didnt bother to call her because she wouldn't call me i came to her house unexpectedly at times stoned or drunk...later i would just stop coming by her house and didnt talk to her...i then got frustrated because she wouldnt even call me or ask me if i was ok or if i was still with her of not. i got mad at my family and my mom while they we're mad at me for doing the things i did because it involved my brother lying for me while i stopped talking to her i tried to examine why she wouldn't look for me or pay attention to me it got so bad as to running away because of a situation  that had happened at the time i ran away because i was to scared to face the problems i started, i grew ashamed because i hurt alot of people and said a lot of lies i grew to become a monster to help myself and i managed to find a reason and that reason was me i told her the truth in a phone call and confessed to my actionsshe now refuses to look at me.. (it's not like thats not new). i now am 19 and i feel very depressed and need help figuring myself out with knowing who i am and how i maybe can get my second ex back into my life because i realized how much i lied and how much i may have hurt her i just want her to know that this apology is forreal and i feel so so so so so horrible for what i have done and how i may have destroyed a path that i may have been looking for ......happiness im a cry for help and i am desperate for answers to maybe move on or make a move i am so so sad i kno its alot to cover but i had to let it out my cheat please help me????????????????????????????????????????!
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