Will I ever overcome this major depression

[melody]

I have been suffering from Major Depression with psychotic features for 15 years.  I am on many medications including effexor, neurontin, serax, trazadone and risperdal and have been for many years.  I really never get a whole lot better and have been hospitalized many times.  I have also received ect inn l996 but will never do that again because of the memory loss.  I am on disability with the prospects of probably never working again.I am a 44 year old woman and would really like to find some peace in my life.  Is there any hope for me?  Thank you. Melody

[amy g]

Hi, Melody, and everybody.  I, too, have suffered with a lifelong, chronic depression, with occasional severe episodes.  I had always managed to exist by acting like I thought a 'normal' person should, and no one, not even my family nor closest friends, realized how I was suffering.  It wasn't until I was about 34, when a very sensitive, new friend who suffered similarly noticed my pain, that I even realized I could *do* something about it.  I went directly to a psychopharmacologist (later, I also tried counseling, but I'm a better self-counselor)and got started on Prozac.  After a difficult period of adjustment (about 3 months!) I heard myself say one morning:  "I feel good".  I realized that it was the first time I had ever uttered such a phrase.
  Since then, I have tried to go off of medication twice, when I felt really strong and together enough.  Even though I was patient for 9 to 12 months, it just did not work.  I felt horrible.
  Now, even though I espouse 'natural' living, and have studied Herbalism extensively, I have come to grips with the probable fact that I simply need this chamical adjustment in order to live and function without suffering.  I have learned that I can offer my gifts of love, energy, music and humor to the people and the world around me, providing that I am not crippled by the pain and distraction of self-extinguishing depression.
  Therefore, I will continue to use the best medications, as they come available (and switch, when they quit working), because I truly want to be in shape to give something back to the world.
  I am now 44, and I surround myself with people, animals, and things that make me smile (smiling releases healing chemicals into our depressive brains!).  Yes!!! There is hope for you, Melody, and I offer proof, though I do not presume to know your difficulties:  You are still here, to be seeking advice as how to keep going.  You want to live, and be happy, and functional.  You will.
  Love to you all...
Amy G

[HFHS-M.D.-HG]

Dear Melody
I am sorry that you have been suffering from major depression for the last several years. Given the fact that there are several antidepressants coming into the market every day, which are proven to be safe and effective, I do recommend not to lose hope for your future because it will have a major impact on your prognosis. Staying positive helps. I am not clear on what antidepressant you have tried on, but I would recommend that you talk to your doctor about concerns. Consider psychotherapy (individual/group) as an option. Keep your self busy and preoccupied and try to do things that interest you such as going for vacation, gardening, cooking etc. I hope this information is helpful to you. Good luck.

Sincerely
HFHS-M.D.

[p]

Melody,
I could really relate. My birthday was last week,45yrs old. I've been on meds and in therapy since 1975.  I have sat in your shoes many times.  Thinking there was an END. There might be for some people. For me I've accepted that I'll probably be on meds of some sort the rest of my life.  Doesn't mean I can't make the most out of what I have.  I'm not willing to put my life on hold until I'm "better". Knowing I'll have my really down periods, I try to make the most of my recovery when there is some energy to do so.  I admitt it can get very discouraging. Especially when you know you've given it every thing you have, and all you can say is well, I'm not suicidal today. I've learned a lot through it all, and somehow it helps me to try to share some of the gifts I've acquired with others like myself.  I know the time period between the "really downs", is growing.  Maybe I'll always have to live with the depression but I am acquiring more and more time in my life for ME to be. Hang in there.  I know I get jealous when I hear of someone who's in therapy for a couple of years or takes meds for a year or two.  That is them, I'm me.

[Susan]

Melody,

Hi.  I am so sorry you have suffered so many years!  My story is almost identical to yours and I don't know if it has turned out that the end of my story is much better.

I also had major depression with psychotic features for many years...actually it was diagnosed as such in 1985 which would make mine 15 years also.  I have been in the hospital about 11 times but I have never had ECT.  I am taking Risperdal, Effexor, and Trazadone (to help me sleep).  Just this year my diagnosis changed to bipolar.  I have had mania now and sometimes slump back to severe depression.

I know at least for me, that I had a paralizing fear along with my depression so I really could not tell where my depression ended and the incredible fear began.  What I am asking really, is there an extreme problem that makes you feel so bad that you just automatically think it is depression all the time?  I thought it was severe depression all the time, but when the fear ended, & I literally thank God for that, I realized I was not depressed all the time.  I also think the unending fear was plenty to be depressed about.

This is not anything helpful other than to let you know I care and that many others have suffered along with you.  And I want to let you know there is hope if there does happen to be a problem that could some day improve, even though it seems impossible right now.  It did for me and now my depression is bearable without the fear.  I actually have many happy days(even when I am not manic).

Good luck to you.

[Paul]

hey-  it makes me sad when i hear this.  i suffered from axiety & panic attacks for the last 3-4 yrs. im pretty much cured!! i havent been depressed but anxiety & panic is not fun. it put a damper on my life for a while.  not any more!!!!!!!  i fought it and won..  you might not be able to fight depression. but you have to try. wake up every day and say this is gonna be a great day. try changing your habits in life.  what i mean try to come out of your comfort zone.  try diff things.   go for walks in the park. go to a movie. try eating foods you never tried before, join a health gym, read as much as you can about depression so you can at least try to fight it.  the more you know about this the better you can fight it.    hey im just a regular guy who saw your concern. im not a doctor.   just a concerned citizen. i hope you get better.      remember life is out there.  you just need to take 1 step at a time.   start today!!!!!!!!!
regards
paul

[Dianne Crowley]

I have almost exactly the same problem and would like an answer please.

[p]

Melody,
By no means did I mean to imply that you'd also have to suffer with this the rest of your life.  The point I was trying to make was that even if that were true, that that in itself was not so terrible.  There is progress, and with progress life as we've known it, gets better. I've personally seen people that have suffered longer than either one of us finally hit home and lead peacefully. I've looked very closely.  I don't know if they finally felt safe enough or what.  Just that it can and does happen.