some things are happening to me for a long time , but lately they are worrying me a lot. I feel like I am going slowly insane. last couple of years i get heart palpitations, last from minutes to hours. medical causes have been ruled out and i get dizzy sometimes at work for no reason. i was told "it must be anxiety"also at night if i accidentally touch a certain part of my body i have to immediately wash my hands. i cant pet my cat unless i wash my hands directly after i feel kinda bad about it. i no longer can eat certain foods i used to love, things with skin. for example i used to love cheesecake with cherries on top, but i cant eat it, as i am chewing i become afraid i will choke & must spit it out. there is a restaurant me and some coworkers go to for lunch i cant sit at the booths it feels to confined, tho this didnt used to bother me now i make everyone move to a table instead, i literally cannot sit there. these things are disturbing to me because they are recent developments over the last year, i was never like this before about these things.
there are other things that ive always had before this. i think about dying, every single day, both accidental and on purpose. i cut myself cant wear short sleeves, its to the point where i cant visit my sister during the warm months, she lives down south, so i have to get out of visiting her all the time. ive been miserable for as long as i can remember. i blow up at the smallest things, its so bad im known at work as "columbine". then i feel horrible after, but that doesnt ever stop it from happening again and again. sometimes im just walking and i feel like i am a passenger inside my head, looking out.sometimes i cant feel any emotion, sometimes i feel too much i feel like im not supposed to be alive, that it is a mistake. ive tried to see a therapist, but i can never follow thru, i am terrified if i told anyone this they would put me in a mental hospital.
From what I could read in your post here, I can identify 2-3 different aspects to your situation. Firstly, you seem to have symptoms similar to those seen in Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Added to those, obsessional thinking appears to be a major theme. Obsessions are intrusive and repeated thoughts about certain things, events, etc. Another aspect is how you are doing at the emotional level. Feelings are emotions are results of inner thoughts and beliefs. And exploring those thoughts might help in the long term. In addition to all this, you could also be having depression.
It is difficult to point to a particular diagnosis here. What would probably help you is if you can force yourself to follow through with the therapy. Following through seems to be quite a task initially, but if you can associate pleasant feelings with the whole process, you would get more motivation than otherwise.
The situation 'appears' to be all confusing when you have a lot of issues to deal with. But if you can break it down into sections (so to say), you will have specific areas to work up on and specific goals to achieve. You can ask your therapist to help you with that.
Being afraid of sharing your thoughts for the fear of hospital admission does not appear to be helping you move forward. Weighing the risks against possible benefits will help.
Thank you for responding to my question/situation. I will try to see a therapist again, but i don't know if i will be able to do it or not. The thought is terrifying, but I am exhausted of these thoughts and feeling. I don't know how much I have left of myself to give. I will let you know if I am able to do it or not.
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