how does a daughter deal with a mother who has been Dx'd with paranoia

My mother was Dx'd appr. 30 years ago with a paranoid personality diaorder and depression.  She only went for treatment for several months. The condition appears to have exacerbated-she thinks,among oher things, that "everyone at our church likes me but not her, everyone thinks she is stupid and a second class citizen." She has also thought other church membets had ignored or dilike her. I have tried to reassure her this is not true but she will no longer go to church where her children go and has told other members that. She has told me numerous times that she keeps a diary with everything in it that I do "bad to her!" I try to be a supportive daughter but can  do nothing to please her. She and my father rarely socialize with friends but are spending more and more time at the casino.Years ago I suggested therapy for her but she refused to go. I finally did go for couseling recently  and was told I have a co-dependent relationship with her and that  my mother appears to also be narcissic as well as paranoid.(She has also suspected another family member of stealing groceries from her house and a neighbor of stealing flowers!) I try to have a loving relationship with her but its very difficult!

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

There is only one way to handle this situation..you have to take care of your self, your life, do what you think is right by your mother, but never try to satisfy her..it is impossible. She needs therapy..you may need some help in carrying out this prescription.  You can get more detailed help at the masteringstress program.

[healthcareguerilla]

You posted so long ago you probably won't see this. However, I well understand your position. When my mother died in 1982, I felt like a burden had been lifted. Her diagnosis was paranoid schizophrenia. Had anyone really been paying attention, I someone would have gotten me a supportive therapist when I was a child. But no one did. I am now 52 years old and I do struggle with some anxiety issues and "self-esteem" is always hard won. Because medical practitioners rarely listen to one's personal story, I am viewed as having anxiety disorder and depression. I have neither. I had an experience this week with a medical practitioner that has gotten to me to such a degree that I do, in fact, now feel depressed. Clinically depressed. That would not be the case if I had completely detached myself from my mother, and if I had gotten therapy at a young age.  One would think, given that it is now 2001, that attitudes toward mental health and emotional disturbance would have advanced an iota. They have not. We live in the age of Prozac, and I am convinced that 2 out of 3 people are taking some form of prescription drug simply because it seems there are few adept psychology practitioners available. Mental illness is still a big, dark secret. But it isn't to me, and it isn't to you. You would not believe some of the things my mother did. My father died when I was 14, but he never sought help for me, which is no surprise. You must take a very hard line. Feel no guilt. Guilt is useless and destructive. Find a good therapist. If one doesn't seem wise after several visits, find another. You sure as hell don't need to be told you have a codependent relationship with your mother. What ******** is this? That's just another label and it doesn't help you, does it? Before I left this current therapist, I would suggest to him or her that he/she has a codependent relationship with YOU! You have the right to not be eaten alive by destructive people, whether therapist, mother, father, boss, coworker, minister, priest, whomever. The right! Do you hear me? It is even more than a right, it is your duty to yourself. Get out of this relationship with your mother. Get an unlisted phone number. Get a therapist for yourself who doesn't add worthless pscyhobabble to your already overwhelmed thoughts. This is what makes me truly crazy. What the hell is wrong with the mental health profession? If you need permission to end your relationship with your mother, I give it to you now. When you have a good track record with a good therapist, you may find a way to interact with your mother that does not involve your giving up your soul. I feel for you more than you can possibly imagine. She's out having fun at the casino, and you're left with the garbage. I really don't mean to blame her. Blame is also useless and won't help me or you get well. But there is enormous manipulation here. Stop it. And, let me know if you find a path to follow that works for you so you can share it with me. May God or whatever power you believe in bless you and help keep you whole.

[sadone]

I deal with this question as well.....how to deal with a mother that has paranoid personality disorder. My mother is undiagnosed, but fits the clinical description for PPD to a T! Of course, my mother does not think she has a problem, everyone else has one. Growing up with her mood swings was not fun and very frustrating. You never knew when she would be mad at you. When I was six years old, I did something to embarass her, or so she claimed.  I was punished for that act and reminded of it constantly. As a child I was not allowed to talk to my grandmother sometimes, because my mother said so. The same with an aunt of mine. Then all of a sudden, you were allowed contact and told you were bad for not talking to your grandmother. She didn't like any of my friends and had this uncanny sense of when I would see the forbidden friends. As I got older that abuse great worse. I moved about 150 miles away and she refused to visit, because "I chose to move away from her and if I want to see her, I must visit her." I have been called a slut and a ***** numerous times by my mother. My father has been accused of cheating on her. We are always accused of talking about her. he believes that cancer is contagious and that the medical doctors know that fact, but refuse to tell the public, so they can make more money. As a child, I was locked out of my house, for some stupid reason on several occasions. When I was married,  was expected to spend the holidays with my family. My husbands family was to make plans for another day. If I was to work on a holiday, I was told to quit that job. Then my ex husband was accused of being a sexual abuser to our child and I was told that she would call human services on him, if I didn't. She also thought he would come and kill us in the night. She wanted me to forbid visitation with his child, because he was so terrible. Then an incident happened and my mother became angry again at me. Now my child is being told that I am a bad person and she fears that I will come and kill during the night. As for the sexual abuser ex husband, she thinks he is great now and started a relationship with him, only to maintain contact with her grandchild. She says I am disowned from the famiy.
I have tried every tactic that I could think of to get across to her at times. Ignoring her and going along with her perceptions doess not work. Trying to talk calmly but firmly does not work. Talking with a raised voice does not work. trying to be her friend or her enemy does not work.
My father knows that she has a problem, but to make his life easier with her, he tolerates her behaviour. I am not allowed to talk to my father at all, because of her. I just do not like that she is now exposing my chlld to her antics and abuse.
It is a very sad situation.

[Karyn]

My mother is diagnosed with dementia and paranoia about 5 years ago. In addition, she has MS.  She is now 74 years old. Recently, the doctor took her off of Paxil and put her on Depakote for her mood swings.  The Depakote has kicked in now and she seems better.  When her paranoia is visible, people are coming into her apartment at the assisted living home where she lives.  In addition, she reports to me that they are steeling or breaking things.  I go over to check out her dilution and just like when she lived in her house, whatever is wrong or not, is from natural causes or non-existent.  She hollers at me for not believing her and call me various names.  I remind her how she praised me the day or so before saying that I am the only daughter who cares about her (my sisters live in other states).  Then she laughs.

Yesterday, she admitted to feeling good and not nervous.  I believe that the Depakote has kicked in.  I sure hope I am right.  I will write again in a few weeks or month from now to let you all know if this new med is making a real difference.