insecurities,jealousy,low self esteem

i am always worried about not being good enough or if my partner is going to find someone else,i constanly have thoughts of how they will find someone else,or that they want someone else,if sex i good enough for them.i feel that if i was locked in a room on a deserted island just with them that they would be even dreaming of someone else.i hate this problem that i have,i have had it all my life.my earliest memory was in kindergarden when i had a little girlfriend ,everything was good until she kissed me then i got this feeling immediatly  after that she did not really like me .so i ran back and forth to a fence on the playground while she tried to talk to me .she would pull on me and ask what was wrong and i just wouldnt answer.after that day she would never talk to me again.this problem has been hapening my whole life i am 30 years old.have been married twice.and i have accused each one of liking someone else or cheatingor asking if i am good enough.also i have been into all kinds of sexual acts and hate myself for every one.I do them and know that it isnt right .i have not hurt anyone except myself.i want to be normal and never do any of these things again.i wish i could trust my partner so i can be free from worry.i do not want any drug thearapy.i want to live knowing that it is me fixing myself somehow.there is so much more to all of this.please can you give me some kind of advice like a book,therapy or something?

[HFHS.MD-AJ]

J.Tov,

It must be hard dealing with the low self esteem and difficulty trusting people that you describe. You may find it helpful to consult a mental health professional for thorough evaluation and treatment. Treatment may be in the form of cognitive-behavioral therapy, interpersonal therapy, psychodynamic psychotherapy, marital counselling, e.t.c.

[Jean Grace]

Dear J.Tov

I have had a relationship with a man who seemed to have similar problems to yourself.  It was so difficult for me because I really DID love him, but as with yourself, he questioned this.  He thought I was having affairs when I wasn't - and says this is based on a 'feeling'.  Our relationship ended violently, and I am so sad about this.  I urge you to seek help from a qualified therapist to help you work through the possible reasons, causes of your behaviour.  You can change yourself - writing about it is the first step.  You deserve to love and be loved.  Dealing with why you have these feelings is the first step towards change.  I hope you can fight your demons before they destroy any future relationships.  

Good luck

[jtov]

I appreciate your side.thank you very much .i know it is terrible i see myself in the mirror.I cant run from it anymore.tired of hurting people.

[GGSpoons]

I thought I was the only one with this problem.  I am a 32 year old mother of four. I am a widow, now married for a second time. It is quite obvious that the problem is mine. When trust is violated in our relationship, it seems I can't get over it.I do not want to be medicated either. I would love to talk more about this, maybe we could find some comparisons and answers.

[jtov]

GGSpoons, have you ever been to therapy? have you had this problem since you were young?was there the right kinda love in your family or did anyone in your family have the same problem maybe more extreme or less.I know we all have different kinds of lives.I dont know much about the problem if its a learned behavior or its something that just happened to us maybe a little of both .I know that in my family i have seen very extreme examples of this ,both my mother and real father have it.so i think that some how they passed it to me by seeing it all the time or bye the way they treated me.I never had a good relationship with either of them.I eventually ran away from home when i was 17.I never lived with my real father,he was gone when i was 8months old . ide see him sometimes.like once every 4 years.so anyway i had a bad family life and i knew it.so from 17 till a couple of days ago,i really just realized what all the pain really was from I think .My mom never gave me real love.This is brand new so im not sure if this is a start you know.Like i said i already fully knew that it was bad in the home.but i didnt know exactly were the real pain was coming from i just put it all together and dwelled on my whole life.until the other day , when i got very upset and cried dwelling on everything bad that happened in my life when my girlfriend came up a held me and told me that she loved me with all heart.as soon as she said that.I wasnt crying over all the bad things ive wrecked or that happened to me or my whole family life in general.It was focused on ,wow i just realized that my mom never really loved me.she never came and held me and told me she loved me with all her heart.If i did something wrong or something that she thought was wrong that wasnt.She would make me feel like i was a nasty or evil kid.just to give you an example once when i was in my bed i woke up earlier than my mom did and she used to come in an undress me out of pjs into whatever.i was so young i was still wearing diapers,no lie i remember this like it was today,anyway i started to take off my pants while i was under the covers i had no idea how to take them off so they kinda got stuck half way done .then she came in to undress me and pulled the covers off an started freaking out calling me a dirty little boy what are you doing.screaming and yelling at me.i had no idea what she was talking about at all i dont think i ever even looked down there yet .you know what i mean.So she took all my clothes off still calling me names and took me out on the front porch and  my step dad had  a container full of worms for fishing on the porch and she dumped them out and told me i couldn't come back in until they were all picked up.I was deathly afraid of worms. she shut the door and i was naked on the porch with worms screaming bloody murder .plus there was all these people in thier cars looking at me .we lived on a main street so there was morning traffic.This is the kinda stuff she would do.I was a little kid i did not know anything about sex i dont think i ever even heard the word sex what the hell was she thinking.I know that my mom has problems and something must have happened to her.I realize this stuff now.But i think this kinda punishment for things that i dont even have a clue about really did something to me.I really feel for the other children that had it worse.All the ones that grow up and commit crimes or abuse there children.its wrong with out a doubt but i empathize with thier pain.I dont abuse my children just wreck myself.

[jtov]

i have not talked to anyone yet about my problem butn seem to be cursed with it ..i think i have real low self esteem .plus the mother thing must be effecting me somehow . i cant seem to let go its seems so simple because i know what the problem is so i should be ok 'but im not will this be with me forever my. idont trust women at all the world is so fast and they seem to be the ones really chasing it why?its hard to be a man and have feelings it seems to me that men have more of the need to be close than a women.its funny because i always thought that it was the other way around..as soon as your nice they treat you terrible but when you are firm thay love you.cant it just be ok to love why is it that women are so up and down but say they are so strong.its hard for me to go up and down all the time . maybe this is why men die early.i love the female they are beautiful but so hard to keep happy it seems.just want a relaxed relationship no worries.when we are upset we cannot just walk with a smile but when they are they can.i dont feel this is strenght i feel it is a sign of not giving the key to ones heart.but i have seen it the other way around sometimes but not really.if i was more independent then she would be ...what upset or not.the only thing that means anything at all is family and love in my book.I just cant step into the world and be like that nonattached at the drop of a hat.whatever.still love her though just frustrated

[steve]

how can i forget about a pass relationship my girlfriend had before we met, i new the guy she was dating ,i hate him are there any self help book s ror online health i dislike him because he always brag about the women he screwing

[Crystal]

I too always question somebodies love for me.  Fearful that it will end, I keep questioning and not believing that I think I finally kill it.  My entire life (from age 3) I have had to rely on myself.  Never shown love from my mother and father.  Always put down and told I was no good, who would love me, etc.
Now when somebody states he loves me and shows me he loves me I am constantly afraid that he will find somebody else better, leave me, etc.  It is very lonely and scary.  I am so very lucky to have this person in my life and I logically KNOW that he loves me, but something inside keeps poking me and saying "are you SURE he loves you?"  "What if he leaves you", "He loves somebody prettier, sexier", etc.  I hate feeling this way and it does get in the way of a relationship - trust is truly and issue and the trust is bred from fear.  I am working very consciously and hard to overcome this insecurity and fear of mine.

[TG]

Okay, this is a long, complicated one and I need some help.
My best friends(who is 30) younger sister (who is 27 years old) has had a history of bad choices in life of which I will elaborate on later.  Recently, she has successfully completed college and has found a "dream job".  However she slowly heading down a path of self-destruction if her past choices and recent behavior are any indication of how her future will end up.  Now her entire family is involved and she is about to be broadsided with a confrontation of her parents.  They recently learned all about how she has conducted herself in the last 4 years.  My boyfriend feels her family should mind their own business and by today's standards she is not out of the ordinary.  However her constant lying and taking things that don't belong to her and lying about it has put her in a position of being kicked out of a place she shared with friends in one place and being threatened with the same consequences twice in the last place she was living at.  She recently moved away and is living with another member of her family and with this new job could have the "world by the tail" success will finally be hers. However the "borrowing and lying" has resurfaced and her family member (knowing her past) finally spilled the beans to her parents who are now extremely upset and worried.  They learned about a pregnancy from many years ago, her recent invitation of a gentleman considerably older to spend the night while she is staying at her family's house with two small children under the same roof.  She claims "nothing happened", however her behaviour was inappropriate given she's known this guy a little over a week. along with other poor choices of male partners since that time in addition to the lying and taking.  The lies that started small and are slowly getting bigger.  Her parents want her to start some kind of counselling because they feel some of it is due to a lack of self esteem and simple want her to grow up and stop acting like a kid.  My questions is, based on the information you have are my friends parents over-reacting?  They aren't conservative narrow minded people, they are genuinly concerned about her value system... or lack there of.  Naturally as parents they're scared and thinking the worst ie.  what if ever catches aids.  I said to them she's educated on safe sex, and based on her past hopefully she's using her best judgement and everyone should stay out of that part of her life.  But it is the lying, partying etc that they are equally concerned with and how she never shares her concerns or problems with those who care for her the most.  It's especially strange because her family is a close knit group who never judges or condemns, they seem to be very supportive of anything that arises.   Should they mind their own business or get involved.  They are look to me for some guidence because I know her better than anyone... or so I thought I did.  What do I tell her parents

[Kim32James]

I am there too. I had a really hard life, and was told I was nothing and a slut growing up..this was even at the age of 6. I was molested, raped, and cheated on and even left pregnant by guys. Im with a wonderful guy now, and can't seem to let my scared wall down to trust him. My issue with him is he doesn't tell me things, and when we first got together I found an email he sent from his phone into his email from a married girl saying how she wanted to be with him. There were pictures of girls he took naked for his album cover on a computer he was letting me use, and he even expects me to be around her and be friends with her. I don't like watching rated R shows, because I don't want to sit with the person I love while we look at a naked girl. he gets very mad at me, but i dont know what to do. Am I in the wrong? I know my self asteam is very low, but it wasn't before. He never tells me Im sexy, pretty or anything, and now we have sec once a month and lately every 2 months. Please help.