relationships with older men

I am female, 24. My father died when I was 13. my mother and her relations have been a negative involvement in my life. I don't talk to her much. I have been very independant, living on my own and recently graduated college. Now I am pursuing an interest.

My question is about love and relationships. I do not have and have never had any desire for sex. In terms of sexuality and desire, I am "asexual". When I tell people this they are often appalled and react with hatred, anger or passive aggression and disbelief. I would just not tell people but they are always bringing up sex. It's their own fault. I do have sexual type fantasies but the image, idea, and thought of actually having sex with someone else is repulsive to me. Also, outside of my mind, I have a physical aversion to sex, such as in explicit movies or porn. I get sick to my stomache and vomit depending on how graphic it is. I think if I tried to have sex and this happened it would ruin the mood. I tried watching porn and this reaction is physical and not something I can mentally control. I have never been sexually assaulted, abused, molested or raped. I do fall in love with the opposite sex and it is not a physical attraction but is still strong. Yet, I've never been able to have a relationship with anyone because they want and need sex.  This has never been a problem. I know many other asexuals (unfortunately I've never fallen in love with one) and I have always been very comfortable with my sexuality, or lack thereof, and being by myself, but lately I am starting to wonder if I will regret or be very lonely later on. I just turned 24. I am attractive. I think I would like a family and a relationship with a man or atleast a fulfilling relationship with a man. I am afraid I might never have a family, but I think I am more afraid of regret. The other problem is I am attracted primarily to older men. In fact the only thing close to a sexual fantasy I have is a sadomasochistic type relationship with an older dominant man. I have not pursued this alternative lifestyle because again, I am not sure I could  have sex with them or atleast not on a continual basis. Aside from that, usually I am very interested in falling in love with and being dominated by an older man, not to the extent of sadomasochism. This is a problem because I think I should be pursuing relationships with people my age but this is just not an interest for me.

Has something like this ever been changed through therapies or is it like homosexuality, unchangeable? Should I even try to change it? If I do pursue a romantic relationship is it alright to try men who are older than me and can these relationships actually work?

(I also do not have any "anxiety disorders". I was evaluated for this and folled up through a panic attack/anxiety, carbon dioxide experiment I participated in for my psychology course in college.)

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

This is definetly something that can be helped with psychotherapy, and I urge you to find someone to help you. You are right to announce the most pertinent fact in the beginning of your statement, and that is the death of your father at a critical time in the development of mature sexuality.  You are frozen in time right now....and that is something that talk therapy is designed to fix.  Now is a good time...don't just wall off a big part of your life unnecessarily.

[jimq]

Maybe you have a hormonal imbalance? My wife had a very low sex drive until we found out it was a hormonal imbalance all along.

[sunf]

Yes, I get this suggestion quite a bit from well meaning people.

It is a two part issue. There is desire and then there is attraction. You can increase the sexual appetite of a homosexual man as much as you want, it won't make him gear towards women. I have no sexual attraction and without it it is hard to tell the other.

I definitely lack something that sexual people have which makes that act look enticing, but it isn't hormones. I know this because I've been getting my blood tested annually as part of a calorie restricted, optimally nutritious diet (www.crsociety.org) I am experimenting with. I get the full female panel test done through Life Extension Foundation: www.lef.org and my hormones are balanced, my nutrition is excellent. It's pretty funny actually the woman who went over the blood test results with me commented that I must have a very good sex drive, because of my testosterone levels. hahaha These are my most recent endocrine test results. RR= lab reference range:

ENDOCRINOLOGY
Free Testosterone (direct): 0.9 *RR 0.0-2.2*
Progesterone: 8.2
homocysteine, P/S: 7.9 *RR 4.6-12.4*
DHEA-Sulfate: 364 *RR 65-380*
Estradiol: 94 *RR 19-528*
C-Reactive Protein, Cardiac: .14 *RR 0.00-3.00*
Relative Risk for future cardiovascular event: <1.00, low

[hangin'in there!]

Hey every one's different!!  These days people are too aggressively sexual anyway.  I love sex, I am a married mum.  But I never felt the need to 'persue' it as heartily as my peer's did.

Find what works for you and develop it from there.  It's not important whether you have it every day or only feel like it once in a blue moon.  When you find your soulmate, sex is nice but very secondary.  If my hubby had it cut off for med. reasons I would still be true to him. I'd still have sexual desire but it would be secondary in importance to us as a couple. I don't think your soulmate minds how often you have sex with him.

It's repulsive the lack of sexual morality out there and what is considered 'normal' is enough to make me throw up!!  I hate porn (although I respect those who get into it) have banned it from my house because it makes me so sick.  Hey, we are all different and I don't think you should mess with hormones just to increase your level of interest in sex.

As for this older man thing;

It's a fantasy and they're nice to have.  Most of us don't really want our sexuall fantasies to come true because it would ruin the potency of them.  Those that endeavour to fullfill sexual fantasies are often chasing rainbows and get themselves into all sorts of trouble anyway.

Your soulmate may or may not be an older man but I wouldn't make "old" a pre-requisite for a meaningful relationship.

Good luck to you.

ps:


Hormone levels change all the time!!! Give yourself a chance and don't be so concerned.  Relax about your sexuality, it probably takes a special someone to develop it fully anyway. Stick with masturbation until you want to make love with someone significant.  You are no freak, it really is the rest of the world that's gone mad!!

[openup]

As a healty male of age 51 I can tell you that one thing I like about being this age is that I have way more patience when it come to sex and can now enjoy the journey without being consumed and so focused with the destination.  With sex drive somewhat reduced, one can focus more on the emotional part of relationships, realizing the physical part is icing on the cake, and still enjoy the physical side without rushing, paying attentiuon to every moment. and sensation.

With some good luck you and the therapy that's been recommeded you might find someone with the patience to get thru.

See the following book on finding authentic love:
If Love Is a game, These Are The Rules by Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.

This might help you find something genuine in a realtionship.

[Lucky2BTeri]

I've got to say your question described my life!  I lost my dad in a tragic accident he had working! I was 14. Dating and guys were a real mystery!  How do I act?  What do I do?  Needless to say I found myslf dating older men) I had a tendency to date men that didn't want sex. I guess I was looking for my lost relationship with the most important man in my life, my dad!
     There is nothing wrong with that, they say girls look for men that are like there dad!  Therapy could help when dealing with the sexual issues at hand here.  And don't forget that a partner who truley loves you will be patient, loving kind and understanding, no matter what the age!  I wish you luck and all the best.to you.  I can be written to at:***@****