strange thoughts

i have been suffering from depression for a long time, i am under the care of a psychiatrist. i am having a very difficult time responding to medication to gain control of the depression. i am feeling incredibly guilty, i have been having severe physical symptoms that have been attributed to the depression. i think it should be a simple case of mind over matter, that i should be strong enough to pull myself together and make this go away, but i just cant do it. i am so frustraated at my lack of response that i have just resigned myself to the fact that this is the way its going to be. the major problem is the strange thoughts that have been creeping into my mind. as i prepare meals i will imagine the knife i am using slicing into me, or when i open the medicine chest, i immediately see the bottles of pills as a way out. is this normal under the circumstances or am i subconsciously thinking of suicide? i dont want to die, but the guilt and frustration are beginning to overwhelm me. i am desperate to find a way to put my life back in order. as we try new medications to control the  depression without success, the feelings just intensify. it feels like i am stuck going around and around in a revolving door. i keep ending up at the same place. any help or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. thanks in advance

[HFHS-M.D.- HG]

Dear Amal
Biploar disorder  (Manic - Depressive illness) is classified into Biploar I disorder and Bipolar II disorder. Bipolar I disorder is diagnosed based on the presence of atleast one manic episode with or without the presence of major depressive episode. Bipolar II disorder is diagnosed by the presence of atleast one Hypomanic episode and one or more major depressive episodes. Manic episode differs from hypomanic episode by the presence of more sever symptoms for longer duration of time. In Biploar I disorder, a person can have significant impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioning where as in Bipolar II disorder, it is unlikely.

[not crazy in al]

You are not crazy.  What you are describing is common among people worried about depression.

[***doc, i did not receive a reply****i"m]

doc, it looks like you replied to amal 2 times and missed me. you can forget it though, i dont need a reply. i guess i already know the answer.     thanks for trying anyway    crazy in al

[HFHS-M.D.-HG]

Dear Crazy in al

I am sorry I posted the previous answer twice by mistake. Following is the intended answer for your question.
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From the information that was provided, I am not clear on what antidepressant medications you have tried. I can understand your frustration that nothing has helped you so far. Depression is a condition that can be caused by chemical imbalances or can result from psychosocial stressors. It is not uncommon to see suicidal thoughts in people suffering from depression. Given the fact that you are motivated to get better, I am convinced that you will get better soon. There are several antidepressant medications that are available at present which are proven to be safe and effective. Psychotherapy is another mode of treatment that you can consider. A combination of medications and Psychotherapy (individual/ group therapy; cognitive therapy) can cure the condition. If any time you think that you are unable to control your self (suicidal thoughts), it is important that you go to Emergency room or call your Physician /crisis line. I wish you all the best.

[crazy in al]

a little history...i have tried a multitude of medications, including but not limited to effexor, paxil, prozac, remeron, to name just a few. i am currently on doxipen, to no avail. i spent a month in the hospital and was released then only because my ins ran out. i have been having problems eating and lost ALOT of weight, and have been unable to stabilize, with it going up and down. i can't sleep, i am unable to work, which ads to my guilt and frustration. i am quick tempered and lack the control to avoid confrontation. i have to limit my driving to the slow times of day to avoid road rage. my dr finally tried ect and it was effective but the effects did not last beyond a month. i don't want more ect, i can't stand the way they make me feel, and they give me bad headaches. so my frustration grows and i feel defeated. i want to get better but at this point i don't see it happening. this has been going on for years, but was just diagnosed about 7 months ago, and i am so tired of fighting it. it seems a endless battle that i can't win. i used to be afraid of dying but these days i am more afraid of living like this. i have a good dr, and i have tried group therapy. i'm just so tired, and i can't see the light at the end of the tunnel any more. i don't know how to keep fighting.