will i ever ...

[kiramy]

dear dr. gould - thank you for always beeing here.. and there we  go. i am off lexapro for about 4 weeks now. i have been on anti-deprs. for about 10 yrs. sometimes it was ok, sometimes not. i am doing better with the withdrawal symptoms- the "zaps" and not so dizy and out of balance now, but i am still very irritable, very sad, think of dead and lack energy and concentration worse than ever. i was never diganosed with anything more than deperssion. will this "dark mood" ever end or i need to go back on the meds and be on it for ever. i am tired of "trial and erros" when i was in the usa- this is what most of my docs did. now i am in spain and it is even harder to find a good specialist. i try to excersise, walk... no good. i push myself hard to do the things i used to enjoy. NADA! i really don´t like the person i am. and i just don´t know what to do... thank you in advance. edith

[Jaquta]

Are either sensitive or don't care.  Either way these are vulnerable and suggestive people.  
The emotional burden is heavy enough without it being added to by over zealous mental health professionals (who rarely see or understand the bigger picture).

It's interesting how we come across as being passionate about mental health, etc when in our own lives we struggle so much.

My brother did a short course in Spanish a few years ago and I expect he would be most impressed if I ended an e-mail with besos y abrazos.

Thank you for the offer, and it sounds beautiful, but you need to be extremely cautious with people whom you meet over the internet.
At times we're revealing very personal things about ourselves and it can feel like we know others, at times intimately, but we still need to be vigilant about our own safety.  (Not that I expect the doctor is an axe murderer, but you just never know).

I hope we all receive lots of nurturing.  Not just this year but throughout our lives.

Thank you for your post.  Take care.

J

[Roger Gould, M.D.]

You need to be in  psychotherapy and get to the source of your depression, and figure out why your life is not working the way that gives you hope. Over reliance on medications for a long period of time stops you from doing all the processing and developmental work you need to do in order to stay healthy and make your life work.  Find a good therapist in Spain.

[Jaquta]

Our computer is very annoying too.  It has a mouse pad that I don't use that is very sensitive.  It sends messages prematurely or puts text in funny places.  Even my brother who is a computer geek has problems with it.

We live out in the country and not in town.  Probably just as well as Rotorua has a reputation for its geysers and smell.  There is a forest in town with Redwoods and mountain bike and walking/ running trails.

Maybe you could make an irritated piece of art work?
Maybe art therapy could be an option for you.

I hope all is well.

J

[Jaquta]

I know that feeling.  It is extremely hard trying to initiate anything and even just thinking about it feels exhausting.  Climbing Mt Everest seems much easier and achievable.

I would have thought that with a long history of depression that you would need much longer than 4-6 weeks.  It doesn't sound like very much to me.
(The T I am suppose to be seeing currently said it would take her at least four weeks to do a psychological assessment.  I gave up after the second session).

I don't know about the medications.  My history of depression goes way back and as I don't generally take medications I haven't kept up to date.
You could try looking them up on www.rxlist.com.

Its been a stressful weekend.  There's been concern for my sister in Victoria, Australia.  Bush fires are estimated to have killed 300 people there.  She's been placed on alert now vs an urgent threat so that's better.  My 20 month old nephew was having surgery today.  I'm trying to get the house and roof cleaned and painted before next Thursday and it seems to be taking forever.  Plus I've got cuts on my hands and knees.  And I'm tired and sore.
I also have a radiation oncology appointment on Wednesday.  My sister's tenants are moving out in three weeks and her place will need a through clean.  If I consent to radiation therapy it is likely I will end up cleaning and tidying her house and farm.
Sorry for venting.  Just feeling a little stressed at the moment.

I live in Rotorua, New Zealand.

[kiramy]

yes, but the problem is because i am so down, i cannot even touch paint or pencils, everything irritates me. yesterday i spoke to a doc here, he recomended as dr. G did, to do heavy duty 4-6 weeks therapy, once a week. and also for a short period of time Tranxen 5mg X2 a day... he said it will help with to take the edge off and if i take it for a short period of time- a month or two- i can easily stop it after. Dunno... do you know anything about it? he said i can also try Lexotan half a 3mg pill, two times a day. pff...
hope you have a good weekend and a nice week. where in the usa are you?
best!
edith

[Jaquta]

You must get a lot of inspiration from your environment for your art works.

I inserted the comment about Dr Gould for a little light humor (I hope he didn't mind too much).

It's my brothers birthday in 13 days so I might try it then.  Thanks heaps.

I hope you have a great week and are able to enjoy life again soon.  Your art work is a great place to start to help beat the low mood.

Take care.

J

[kiramy]

you are right on all counts. however i have met few very nice friends- women artists like me over the internet- we do exchange ideas, pics, life expirience. and no, you are right again, somehow i don´t envision dr. G as an axe muredrer, but- u never know :)
i hope all is well and if u write to your brother, he might get a kick out of the "besos i abrazos"
again, thanks for writing,
edith

[kiramy]

exactly my sentiments, jaquta. in general ppl with depression are extra sensitive and the last thing they need is patronizing, lectured or made feel even more stupud and guilty as they already are. at least this has been my case. so of course i am greatful to read dr. gould´s opinion. and yes- you got the translation right- hugs and kisses, hope you both get them throughout the year. ever planning a visit to the north coast of spain, let me know, i will be happy to take you around.
thanks again for everything!
e

[Jaquta]

Hugs and kisses (is that the translation?) seem appropriate so close to Valentine's Day.  (It is Friday the 13th here today).

I personally don't believe people should be on medication indefinitely.  Certainly not for depression anyway.

I can understand why you found Dr Gould's post encouraging.  He is one of the few psychiatrists I have known to be 'discrete' with medication.
I don't see psychiatrists anymore because all they ever seemed to do was threaten, lecture or compel one to take medication.  That certainly wasn't something I always wanted to be confronted with.  In some respects I find it very insulting.

I hope you are able to find an awesome T in Spain and are able to live the life you desire.

Best wishes
J

[kiramy]

thanks to both!
dr. G- not sure if it matters to you, but to me this was one of the most encouraging note i´ve gotten in awhile. lot of profesionals and patients feel that you should stay on meds for depression for ever...i will try to find a spec. here in spain.
besos y abrazos to both!

[Jaquta]

Nothing is ever hopeless.

No, not a great place to be.  It can be the same for me as well.  If it's not family then it's something else:  fear, fatigue, a big one for me at times is not having a will or having made funeral arrangements.

To me it sounds as though you are still depressed and need to address that.

Not knowing what to do suggests you may need to problem-solve the situation.  Dr Gould suggests starting and ending with reality.  Maybe if you were to look at, or list, the facts that could help put things in perspective.  Once you have identified the problem and options available and have an action plan you will feel much more in control and feel less hopeless.

I don't know if this helps but nothing is ever hopeless and there are people out there who can help.

J

[kiramy]

thanks for taking the time to reply. i don´t know what to do... it feels seriously hopeless. i think i stay alive only because i don´t want to hurt the ppl that love me. not a good place to be, eh...

[Jaquta]

Perhaps the taper from the medication was too quick?

I've heard there are guidelines for treating depression based on the severity and number of episodes.
I think figures I heard suggested that for one depressive episode a person should remain on medication for up to one year after they are symptoms free.  That may have increased to three years, I'm not sure.  I was shocked when I heard the figure anyway.  Initially I was told three- six months.
For several depressive episodes some recommend medication for life.

Exercise is good.  Maybe you're pushing yourself too hard??  Sometimes this just wears us down faster than if we backed off a bit and were kinder to ourselves.

Therapy to help address issues and low self-esteem could be beneficial.

I guess the answer is that you need to find something that works for you.  Whatever that may be.

I'm glad you're feeling a little better.  Sometimes we just need to build on the small positives that are happening in our lives each day.  I really hope that you feel much better soon.

J