Hello, I need help, I just don't' know what to do now, um, I meet my finance at our a.a. meetings for alcoholics, and we are both happy being sober and helping others out to get sober and we have some great points in our relationship and we are having a baby and we don't have many financial problems we should be happy and people generally imagine we are happy together, but i'm hiding alot,
Some times i'm scared of him and i have to leave him alone to do what he wants, now he's addicted to the internet and for a long time i've been jealous of the computer, His job is online and so he has to work online so i accept that, but he plays online games while he works and he makes his own hours, and he is bipolar and a compulsive behaviour to make online post on face book and other news websites for hours on end, we have had arguments about how much time he should spend playing a game online when we have so much to do with a new baby coming, but he has made it clear to me he is'nt going to stop and he feels as though he needs those games and post to get relif from work, but they cause him to not take care of himself, I find that i do all the house chores and all the whole thing alone, i stare at the back of his head every night hoping tonight he might come to bed eventually,
Today is, Friday and he has'nt changed his clothes since Monday morning, it's past midnight on Friday, i ask him when last did you take a shower, he says Tuesday but i don't know if he really did why not did he put the clothes i wash and hang on a hanger and fold for him on.
He has gengervitus so bad i can not receive oral sex from him, because he has not brushed his teeth and he says he forgets to. he becomes so into his work and playing games and being social on face book along at the same time that he cant focus on eating if i'm not around,
I used to get more upset that i do now, but i cant live with us having ridiculous arguing, so i try to treat him like a 10 yr old child, and make things fun for him at home that he might want to do something besides the computer, but nothing i have tried has worked for the last 8 months,
I am now searching self help books for myself on how to accept the way he is, I love him and i don't want to leave even if i'm tempted to, I try to stay off line of the internet because i don't feel right always trying to find out why he cant stop any more, I have even deleted my face book page only to find that i have to keep up with what he's doing somehow and i fall back into going on the site, I know i can look at that stuff, but i can walk away from it, but he cant,
What possibly else can i do? He's made the choice he wants to live this way and if I try to hard he wont' change at all he'll think he should stay on there longer if i try to talk about it, so how can i not talk about it but coax him into at least a daily routine of hygiene? It's hard to love someone who is dirty alot, and you cant even kiss him.
As you say in your title, it does sound like he is totally lost. Not a lot there to hang on to for you, sweetheart. I would go to a good therapist, not just AA, and try to make a plan for your life. Either it will include this guy (in his role as another anchor you have to drag along), or it will not, but you need someone to talk to about the whole thing. He may have totally lost perspective (not changing clothes for five days sounds like lunacy) but you do not have to lose your perspective too. He is not going to be any kind of father, so if you are staying for that reason, wake up and smell the coffee -- sometimes it is lonelier to feel like a single mother when there is a partner sitting right there but not doing anything, than it would be to actually be a single mother.
It's so scary that i know inside your right I've started to save my own money for that reason, and my therapist is doing everything he can to help me get threw it because he see's that i don't want to leave him, but, I have to allow him the chance to be a father, as scary as it is, like i said your right and i'm just glad to acknowledge that by someone i don't know telling me the same thing my friends are saying, I'm just going to take it one step at a time, and it's so much of a let down that I had true feelings and then was trapped by this idea that he would like to be a good Husband and Father, but i realize that he can't until he admits that he needs help. and unfortunately i cant expose a baby to this way of life,
So , I'll be a single mother soon and I wish I could change that now while we are together, and I don't see anything happening for that change.
Thank you because I really don't want to be like this
Sweetheart, good luck. You know you need to leave, he is totally out and gone. But if you are intending to stay until the baby is born, be SURE absolutely SURE you never leave the baby in his care without being very nearby. He could zone out and totally stop paying attention to the infant, and they need pretty much 100% attention.
Anniebrook has given you excellent advice. Please take what she says about not leaving the baby with him seriously (although from your posts you sound very together so you probably wouldn't anyway) - but since he cannot take care of himself he will not be capable of looking after a baby who can not do anything for itself and is totally vulnerable.
I, like yourself also go to AA - and the AA rooms are full of people who have overcome a drinking addiction to have normal productive lives... but you also see some very unwell people their with other mental issues apart from alcoholism, which seems to be the catagory your fiance fits into.
If I were you?? Personally....I could not be with a man this dysfunctional. You say you are somethimes afraid of your fiance.... honey you should not fear your partner. From that to the not bathing for days at a time, and the need to be a 'mother' figure to him..... I personally could not do that. There are usually 2 reasons people will not bath/change clothes for days at a time and this is mental illness and aggression. It could be a combo of both in your fiance. With the obsessive internet usage... it does sound like his swapped one addiction for another (common unfortunately)
Being a single Mom will be tough.... do you have other supports? But in this case... if your fiance does not change... I think being a Mom AND looking after (and out for) your fiance will be tougher.
I'm just wondering 2 things... do you have other supports (like family?) and also.... are you scared to break up with your fiance because you're worried he will get nasty?
Please keep saving your money.... if it does suddenly get even worse than at least you won't be completely desolate.
Also a quick other idea - if you copy and paste your original post and post it in the ''addiction:living with an addict" forum you will get responses from people who are very knowledgable in addiction and may have a bit more isight than us women do to your fiance's current behaviour.
Thankyou so much and you know since i've come to realize so much more now, I am deeper into my sobriety and also therapy, and yes, i don't have any family, why its so hard to leave, but i do have my sober supports and my sponsor who i trust in completely, and now i'm focusing on my recovery and also going to ala non, I too know that i will be desolate one day if i stick around, and your right on about the aggression and mental disorder, this is one great example of why you should not get into a relationship with anyone before you have one year in, besides that you should not even think of a relationship until you have worked the 12 steps of the program and then had even more time to live sober and complete with the serenity of this, my struggles are very hard, but it would be so much worse if I ever went back out. It's only because of the grace of God who has become my Higher Power that I'm sure of one thing, Don't drink or drug because there is a way threw anything without using,
Thank you all so much,
God bless your homes and Family's
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