My "best friend" blames me for his unhappiness.
Over the last ten years I've been supporting emotionally and economically my best friend; however in all this time he hasn't been able to find a proper job or get himself a good life. He has lost two flats and now he lives in a very small miserable room. He has willingly isolated himself from society so he has no other friend but me. I don't know his family, I tried to find them on facebook but it was not possible; he will never share their contact info.
I am doing better economically now, but I am tired of giving him money, specially because I feel I've been on his way to grow up; I told him I couldn't help him this way anymore and he got very upset with me, blaming me again for his unhappiness.
There is no way to convince him to see a doctor, he has no money, no food to eat. All this is real, he looks terrible.
I know I am in a codependent relationship and I've read about this condition and how to deal with it, but everything I try it goes wrong with him; he simply finds the way to make me look as a really bad person.
Now I am afraid for his life but also because I can feel he deeply hates me, so I am afraid he directs his anger towards me or my brother (who he knows).
I don't know what to do. I am desperate, tired and feeling depressive myself. I love him but I hate him at the same time. Over all I feel responsible for his life.
He is a good guy, but I have the feeling he was abused somehow when he was a little child. I feel sorry for him, but at the same time I want him to go away from my life.
First of all, I think your friend is so fortunate to have you as his best friend. You say over the last ten years, you have been supporting your best friend emotionally and economically. In my opinion, you can't keep giving him money indefinitely. I don't know which country you live in and what kind of resources are available. You also haven't shared how old your best friend is. Just an observation. I think it's very unfair of him to blame you for his unhappiness. Instead, he should be grateful for your emotional and financial support. You say you feel responsible for his life. You're not responsible for his life. He needs to become more responsible for his own life. You say you have the feeling he was abused somehow when he was a little child. Why do you think this? You say you're afraid for his life. Why are you afraid for his life? Has he been saying things that you make you suspect that he is planning to take his life? If so, you need to tell someone. Your best friend may be suffering from a depression. You talk about him being angry. Often people who have been abused as children are full of anger and rage. They can't express that rage to their abuser, so they express their anger towards people they come into contact with. I believe the term is transferred aggression. In my opinion, your friend has put you in an impossible situation. Yes, you are a codependent. You say you feel he deeply hates you and that he directs his anger towards you and your brother whom you say he knows. In my opinion, your best friend is being emotionally abusive to you because you say he gets upset when you tell him you can't give him any more money. Then he blames you for his unhappiness. You say you also don't know his family. You say, you feel sorry for him, but at the same time you want him to go away from your life. I think I understand why you feel that way. I mentioned I think he's emotionally abusing you. Every time you want to basically move away from him, your friend draws you in again to this codependent relationship that you have. He may be a good guy as you say, but how he's treating you is not being a good friend. Your friend could benefit from going into counselling. There are some kinds of counselling where your friend wouldn't have to pay for the counselling. Again, I don't know in what country you and you friend live, but hopefullly there is counselling available. You friend should be in counselling. It sounds to me like there are a number of issues he needs to talk about what a trained therapist. These are just suggestions. Don't tell your best friend that he is emotionally abusing you. That's for your informaition only. I would be careful around him. Sometimes abuse victims can get very angry and lash out. Don't let your friend drag you down with him? Your friend needs professional help in my opinion. I'm not a councellor or a therapist. My suggestions are just that. Your situation with your friend must be frustating, I would imagine. Non of this is your fault. You have gone above and beyond to support your friend, but you have to think of yourself and your brother too. Somehow, someone needs to suggest to him the idea of going into counselling. Your friend must have a family doctor. Perhaps his doctor could give him a referral to a therapist. If he's suffering through a depression, perhaps his doctor could recommend some medication to deal with the depression. Good luck. You can only do so much.
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