Re: My Daughter

[slenderthread]

Hello to Everyone!

I want to be as brief as possible here - but please bear with me. I REALLY need both a 'sounding board' and support for what I am trying with my daughter. Here we go ... she will be 31 this coming January and once again she has lost (a kinder word than fired) yet another job. She has another income but it is not a real job. In any case, she blames her failure to work .. and she worked from home no less ... on anxiety attacks. I won't belittle those because I take meds myself for the same condition. She always has a .. reason each time she falls apart and loses employment. Typically it's because, "no one liked.." her.
The last time she went this route she followed it by living with both my husband and I for 5 years ... doing absolutely nothing to go back to work. Later when she got the job she just lost, she expressed regret for all those wasted years, etc. I watched optimistically when she became a supervisor in record time and she loved her job! Then she gave up that position to work from home with this same airline company. I began to worry then. She worked and nothing else. She didn't fix herself up and get out any longer. To the doctor, the pharmacy and the grocery store ... that became her life. I figured we were headed for yet another, 'trip down the proverbial rabbit hole' and I told her so. Of course she didn't 'see' what I saw. Why would she? I'm always on the outside watching the slow motion slide to the same 'blow out' time and time again..
I feel like this entire family may be sliding towards that same abyss and I do not wish to 'play' that song again. I have told her that THIS time I will not rescue her. No calvary in blue riding over the hill with money, car payments, rent and utilities -- you get the idea. She has reacted very badly to this change of behavior on my part. Then she goes into denial and behaves as though I've said nothing at all! I have even told her that when the sheriff shows up on her doorstep and puts everything she owns on the lawn, in the rain ... THEN will she take any of this seriously?  Had she not alienated everyone she once called friend, she might have an emotional support system and potential roommates. Alas, that is not the case.
Families are supposed to help each other afterall ... but at what point do you let your children experience the full weight of their choices?? I love my child and all her behavior(s) leading us to this decision grieves me badly! Yes, we can afford to 'carry' her ... but simply because we CAN do a thing - does it mean we SHOULD do a thing? As the old saying goes: perhaps if you aren't part of the solution you really ARE part of the problem. I really need to know if the course I have chosen for us all is the right one.
Thank you all for taking the time to read all this .. and for your responses! Bless you all!!

[Kayannaboo]

I too am pretty young but I believe that I can give u advice based on experience. It is important to be as supportive as you can be, letting others especially those u love know that you care deeply and that you love them strongly. However, love does not mean "carrying" a person on ur shoulders or solving every problem that they are facing. It is allowing them to use the tools they have to be emotionally independent I specifically said emotionally because our emotions have great influence over the latter part of our whole being. Your daughter needs to face reality, she is grown and she needs to develope a sense of maturity so that she can deal with the struggles of life and stand on her own two feet. She needs to stop blaming others and come to grips with the fact that she is standing in her own way. In life people will not like you, especially in the work environment SO WHAT? You are there to carry out ur function and make a living for urself, for those who do not like you too damn bad.

I commend you for refusing to baby ur daughter anymore, parents are supposed to take care of their children but parents are people and others lose sight of that. You are supposed to nurture ur kids so that they are able to take care of themselves but u r not responsible for them every day of lives.

I hope that one day ur daughter will come to accept and appreciate what u have done for her and I hope that she will understand herself better and find appropriate ways to solve her issue. Take care.

[Clysta]

Meant to say "right thing" not same thing.

[Clysta]

I'm very young myself, so my advice might not be the best but I will give my own thoughts on it nonetheless.

YES I think you're doing the same thing. We can not be carried our entire lives and hide behind excuses. While she has a very real problem, people tend to rely on them as an escape route or as a crutch. Then when things become too hard or they just don't want to bother, they use their tried and tested method and take an easy path. Life in general is not easy, and when you have problems IE anxiety, depression, debilitating illness it makes it even harder. There are times when you need to use tough love to help someone realize what they're doing and take that step to DO something with their lives. You do not want her to abuse you and your husbands generosity because she doesn't want to deal with life.

For now, watch and see what happens. Let her know you support her mentally, but financially you will not help. It'll be hard for her to handle, but at some point we all have to grow up and fend for ourselves. It's not a nice thought to think about, but you and your husband won't be there forever and she will have to manage alone at some point.